Weekend Update

W’s out of town this week, so I am practicing my “I’m just a normal mom/girlfriend/psuedo-daughter-in-law/daughter” facade, checking everyone’s schedule, driving kids around, working out, writing, reading, planning dinners and making a grocery list (slow cooker food even!), doing all those normal mom/girlfriend type things–you know, the ones that don’t involve kink. Cuz my kink-guy is outta town. (sad face) Even he is pretending to be a normal person–he’s at his daughter’s place on the East Coast, waiting for her to have her baby, his first grandchild. Wow, huh? My kinky guy’s gonna be a grandpa! Part of me wishes that (well sometimes) we were a “normal” couple, and that I could get to know his daughter/grandchild.  You know, share in that? But I guess vicariously will have to do.  And hell, I make a lousy in-law with Ad’s family, and they are pretty awesome, so what am I saying? Why add to the weight of familial obligation?

I do pretty much have my week scheduled out though. This morning I dropped off the BoyChild at school (remembering to give him lunch money–I haven’t forgotten once yet! Go me…) and went to the gym.  Ran two miles and did some weights, and, um…bleh, I’m already a bit tight.  :-(  That’s what happens to lazy girls. Missy, her bf, the BC, Ad, me are home for dinner tonight, so I need to figure out what to make…oh yumm, just found a recipe for chicken enchilada casserole…!  Loving allrecipes.com and their “recipe box” feature.  And making a weekly menu makes me feel like a “real” mom.  lol  Tomorrow I drive the BC to school again, but I am planning to go to a workout class with my workmates tomorrow night–my first at the new gym–so don’t think I’ll hit the gym in the AM. I’d like to get some writing done, real writing on a new project, maybe I’ll grab me a coffee & a bagel and write at the cafe for an hour or so before work.  So, Tuesday night…slow cooker night? Wednesday is open (daughter & bf home, BC not.)  I was thinking about meeting a new guy from OKC for a drink, but…naw.  Think I’ll go home on time and hang with the kids and Ad.  So that means cooking dinner. (That’s three meals to plan!) Then Thursday is another gym class night, so, another easy or slow cooker night.

Sheesh sounds like all I do is think about food (and it’s true, I do, all the time!) but really, I kind of enjoy making dinner with Ad. It’s a really nice way to unwind from the day, and finding all these new recipes to try is a lot of fun.  Maybe not as much fun as getting tied up and messed with…or maybe it is.  It’s just a different kind of fun.

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I had a pretty good weekend. Started with my boss giving me the okay to work one day a week from home, so I’m thrilled about that!  Already set it up so that I’ll be (most weeks) at W’s the night before, so I can combine “I’m an office slave” play with work. ;-)  Then Friday night was a “special” date.  That went…well.  I mean, the guy was thrilled, and it wasn’t awful, in that it was all for W, and that was hot, knowing that all the while he would be waiting to hear all about it, knowing he wanted me there, knowing that this guy knew, all through drinks and smalltalk, that he was going to get laid, because W had said so…  And knowing that the guy really felt…I don’t know, like he’d won the lottery or had dreamed his good fortune in getting the opportunity to spend and evening with me. It’s flattering, and from the angle of wanting to give, of really feeling submissive, it worked. It wasn’t great sex, but the sex I had with W on Saturday, while I told him about it, and then later again, was great.  But that was just as I had assumed it would be.  It’s always that way…it makes me so fucking hot to know I’ve done what he wanted, that I’ve pleased him, and to feel the pressure of his pushing me to go there. And, yes, to know I gave this guy something he might not have had the chance to experience otherwise.

Along that tangent, it always amazes me when a man says, “God, I’ve never met a woman that would do that!” (whatever “that” is) when it seems like such a normal thing to me.  Or, “I’ve never met a woman that likes sex so much!” And, of course, most have never met someone that will look them right in the eye and say, “My Owner has told me to satisfy you sexually.  Will you allow me to do that?”  One thing he (W) has given to me in all this is a sense of being…special. Unusual, and possibly…desired for that.  Sought after, even. I mentioned that before in terms of BDSM, that BDSM really gave me an understanding of how much my “differentness” made me special and desirable. And now…he’s shown me how my sexuality and sensuality makes me special too.  Wanted.  And when he says, “You’re hot!” I’m starting to believe it.  To feel it.  And not just because I’ll spread my legs, or let someone tie me up and hurt me. But because I’m…me.

I’m not trying to be self-deprecating or falsely modest here.  I do know I am an attractive woman.  But I have just never been “that” girl, you know, someone that men actively (and openly) look at, lust over, watch. And now…sometimes…I am. And…it’s kinda cool.

And yet, as wonderful as all that is, Saturday was spent trying to get through the particular kind of “drop” I always get after I do these things. It’s weird…similar (very) to subdrop, but without the subspace incident that usually precipitates such. It’s (I guess) a sort of reaction to doing something this…emotionally edgy for me. I am in this heightened state of anxiety for so long, and then deeply in this space where I am so focused on him that I almost…lose myself in my desire to please him, but then, when it’s over, I kind of have to come back to myself, and sometimes, well, I still suffer from feelings of guilt, of being “bad” that I can’t seem to shake no matter how much I tell myself it’s not bad, what I do.  And then, I need to work through those. Generally, I work through them by spending time with W, feeling and experiencing his very real admiration of me and what I do for him & for others, and know that it really is okay, what I do.

Or he fucks me silly, and makes it better that way. lol

Seriously though, I really need to be with him afterward.  For the first time this time, we tried having me going home to Ad, and it just didn’t work. Nothing against Ad, and in fact I highly praise him, because when I mentioned my low feelings of Saturday day, before I’d got to see W, he said, “Well, of course you were feeling down. You do this for him, with him, you need to be with him after.  I just don’t get it the way he does, and I can’t give you what you need to come back from it.” What a lovely, smart man he is.

So, in future, if we can’t schedule me being with W after, it will have to not happen until we can. I did get to spend Saturday afternoon and evening with him, and then the next morning (of my Sleeping in Chains post) and had a lovely scene later that afternoon before I took him to the airport, which was perfect for getting me recentered and feeling “normal” again, but the hours spent in a funk Saturday morning, avoiding him and everyone else, were not so good, even if they looked good on the outside (facial at a spa, library, shopping & a yummy (expensive) lunch alone at a favorite restaurant.) Alone-time is not good for my emotional state when I am in the throes of that.  It did all come right though, and Sunday morning I “woke up” feeling my usual sexy, sassy, happy self.

I do wish I could give W that bouncy, excited girl that he wants me to be after I do this stuff without the sad-girl part, though. I know he doesn’t understand why I suffer, and, more than wanting me to be bouncy for him, he probably just plain doesn’t like seeing me suffer needlessly. (Unless, of course, he is directly causing it, because he wants me to. Then it’s okay. lol) But for me, knowing I am not what he wants me to be only makes it worse. I hate to fail him, even in small ways, even when I know he doesn’t see it that way. It’s like being short.  I can’t change that about myself, but knowing he prefers tall women makes me feel a little less because I am not. And yet he would never phrase it that way, I am sure.  It’s stupid of me, I know!

Anyway, enough useless rambling…this is starting to be a “poor pitiful me” post, when it is certainly not meant to be.  Maybe I am just feeling down because he’s away, it’s after 5pm there, and I haven’t heard a peep out of him. I know we’re not a “real” couple (see above) but at least he could let me know he is there and safe.  This is when I truly resent the shit out of the fact that he doesn’t text.

Sigh.

Okay, off to the grocery and home to Ad and kids and making a yummy dinner, and maybe, later, some warm, loving “vanilla” sex with my boyfriend. That’ll make me feel better.

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