Too much, too much

My horrorscope was so right on today I have to share it:

The self-protective Cancer Moon usually tempts us to withdraw from others, but emotional retreat isn’t likely today. The apparent significance of our thoughts is inflated by magnifying Jupiter as it opposes smart Mercury. The cosmic tension between opinionated Jupiter and the messenger planet encourages us to say more than is necessary. Meanwhile a quixotic Mercury-Neptune quincunx makes it difficult to know when the facts are being bent out of shape.

You may have high hopes about a relationship today. Or, you might become frustrated and try overly hard to please your friends. It’s tempting for you to expect more from your partner than he or she can deliver. Instead of fixating on the outcome, bring your attention back to the present so you can enjoy the process as it unfolds.

Yep, I know that everything I am feeling right now seems so significant, so damn important, but that opinion isn’t reality.  And I will probably say too much, but, hell, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t say and feel too much, would I?

And yes, I know that at the crux of my irritation all this week has been that I have unrealistic expectations.  I expect other people (W, in this instance) to think and act as I would, or as I want him to. And that’s just not fair. I do have to let this past week go and just be in the moment, and enjoy the fact that he’s back.  It’s pretty hard to do, though.

I’ve been bent out of shape and pissy all week while W’s been gone. While I do think he could have alleviated the situation, the reality is that…well, it is what it is.  He is how he is.  And, as Ad so succinctly put it, I need to just “get over it.”  I don’t want to be prickly and unhappy when he gets home, when I see him. But I know that this is coming through even in my choice of dress to meet him.  Last time, I wore this:

I even wore tit collars, even tho he didn't ask me to.

Today, while dressed cute, I am definitely not dressed “W style.” Sweater, foo-foo skirt and boots.  And nothing sexy or naughty underneath.  It feels almost…rebellious to me.  Sassy kinda, but not in a wholly nice way. I think I’m acting out. :-(  And the thing is–I don’t want to act out. I don’t want to be pissy and resentful when he gets here! But I don’t know how not to be.  I am not good at stuffing my feelings.

I am also worried that having said what I did in my earlier post might have hurt or angered him. He’s seemed distant in our brief communications, but I don’t know if he’s upset or if it’s just how hard it is to really communicate with him via email/IM. So…I am having a bit of anxiety about seeing him tonight in general.  I just wish…he wanted to communicate more/better.  I wish it was as important to him as it is to me, or that the fact that it is so important to me made it important to him.

Sigh.  Just let it go. Let it go.

**************************************************

I do get a lot done when he’s not around.

Worked out 3x this week–two actual 1 hour classes, ferchristssake, which left me SORE, which was nice, and a treadmill run which was exhilarating, but, I have to acknowledge, not really pushing me as much as I should.  As much as I could. Even the classes were a bit…easy, except for the abdominals. But I am able to keep up (and have to add bounces and stuff in order to keep myself working hard enough) in the cardio. Which is cool, but which also means, fuck, I have to work harder.

I worked all day yesterday, and got some serious work done. Pretty proud of myself.

Blogged 3x on PoJ and twice here.

Cleaned house.

Did laundry.

Did outside stuff.

Organized my upcoming writing goals and started organizing my bookmarks.

So maybe I should encourage him to go away more often, huh?

Nah.

**************************************************

I’ve got a surprise for him when he gets back. I almost always find something to surprise him with when he returns from his trips.   I know, I know, that’s backwards, but I can’t help it–I love to surprise him.  It’s kind of become a little mission whenever he goes: What can I do/give him that will make his eyes light up? That will show him I was thinking about him while he was gone?  A couple times I have done his yard, installing new flowerbeds, doing landscaping, cutting and cleaning up and weeding. Another time I got this print for him; the next time I got it framed. Once I cleaned his kitchen and bought him a toaster. Another time I bought all new bedding for him. This time wasn’t anything so elaborate, but rather an inside joke having to do with this scene.

And no, I’m not gonna tell you what it is.

Well, maybe later. In fact, probably later. I’m hoping so, anyway. ;-)

**************************************************

So the other day I mentioned a second reason why I am feeling especially out-of-sorts and anxious.  I really don’t feel like talking much about it (yet), but mainly it’s been that I have been chatting with someone that W is negotiating with to scene with me.  It’s put me in a weird place mentally…he (W) hasn’t been available to talk to me about the guy, or the situation, or what the guy is saying to me, or I to him, and it’s left me feeling very…anxious and vulnerable, kind of out here on my own, in a way I don’t like.  It really brings home how much I rely on him emotionally, actually, and I don’t know if I like that either.

Or maybe that isn’t exactly accurate. Part of D/s for me is that reliance on someone else for direction, for instruction, for boundaries and a feeling of safety. I love to feel that need for his support and direction, and when he gives it to me, at the risk of going all subbie/slavey, it really does my make my world feel settled and right. But when he’s not here to give that to me, I feel…alone.  Untethered. Not incapable of dealing with these kinds of things on my own, but…I just don’t know how to put it. I don’t like it.

How I wish that he loved this about me.  How I wish that he loved that I need him, that it inspired his desire to control, love, nurture and protect me! But I don’t think it does. I think it just…annoys him. I think about how independent his other partner is, and I know he loves that in a woman. But I don’t know how to not need his guidance, his presence. The deeper I go–the deeper I feel it, the more I need him.  I wish I could be someone else, not feel this, but I do.

Except, honestly, I don’t want to not feel it.  I like relying on him.  I like that I think about him 12 bazillion times a day.   I like this, and I like me, even if it does make me an emotional basket case at times. (LOL)  But really, even if I did want that, even if I did want to stop feeling that way, how could I?  How do you unfeel a thing?  and if you could, would you even want to?

And there you go, I’ve said more than is necessary.

One Response to Too much, too much

  1. Rob says:

    I’m in a very similar situation and the woman whom I love is so busy she can’t email me much or really much of anything. To say this makes it difficult is like saying that water isn’t a good medium for air exchange.

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