Keeping on Task

April 3, 2011

I’ve had a lazy, enjoyable weekend.  Had a date on Friday night and didn’t get home til past 2am (had yummy post-date sex with Ad), then slept in til 10am (had more sex) and lounged about for a good portion of Saturday, before we decided to go shopping and out for dinner.  Had fun shopping with Ad (really, if you don’t have a boyfriend that will shop with you like Ad, you are missing out.) Got a sexy dress for one of the nights on the cruise, and another just because Ad said, “Oh–that one. YES.” (See what I mean about shopping with him?)

Anyway…today was another lazy day. Thought about finishing up with the shopping (almost there!) but decided…eh, screw it. I wanna stay in bed ALL DAY.

So we did.

I got some stuff done, though:

  • Updated “The List” w/three more
  • Worked on crochet bikini
  • 30 Days Truth – Finished the series. You’ll see them posted here throughout the week.
  • Got the guys to decide on our Belize excursion and made reservations–doing a river cruise/Mayan ruins tour!
  • Added pics and info to our swinger profile on c4p
  • Updated PoJ with details about Task 15 – Public O – Car

So…it’s been a productive weekend in so many ways…hooray for me, right?


Accountability, Dynamics, & Tasks

April 1, 2011

First, a silly task (having nothing to do with sex, so I’ll house it here.)

Task 16: Wet – Fill a large glass with water to within 1/4″ from the top. Hold it over your head for 30 minutes.

Yeah, this was silly, but surprisingly difficult. I had a conference call yesterday while I worked from home, so it seemed the ideal time to do it. The call lasted 26 minutes. My arms only lasted 17.  Also, I was a day late in completing.

Penalty: 13 minutes + 1 day overdue

I’ve had some difficulty with one of the tasks he has assigned, “Ad – Write an ad offering yourself for lease/rent.”  It was due way back on Wednesday, the 23rd, and I haven’t come close to writing it. I think it has to do with the fact that what this task means is that I have to blow my own horn, and frankly, I’m not good at that. I keep circling the task, and have considered doing it in a very sarcastic, ironic or clearly farcical way, but I feel like that would be a cop-out. I kind of want to force myself to do it for real.

Or not.

I wish I was so full of self-confidence that I could.  So convinced of my own abilities and desirability that even writing such a thing for pretend wouldn’t make me cringe, make me feel self-conscious. There is, of course, someone in my past who has done such a thing, and done it amazingly well (I think she got like 200+ responses in 24 hours to her Craig’s List ad. Of course that could be because she posted a photo of herself, legs spread, cunt and ass open to the camera, and not her fine prose. Who knows.) But the fact remains that I feel like I could never live up to what she did, to the responses she got, so even though this wouldn’t be placed as an actual ad, just the thought of doing this makes me freeze up.  So there you have how truly insecure I am.

And okay, there’s more. This makes me feel so incredibly inadequate because, right or wrong, I think what she did was something W would love for me to do, to be able to do. To have the guts to do.  I think that that kind of attitude that would allow her to do that, to write that and do that, is what he wishes I had.  But I don’t. For a variety of reasons.

So…bottom line…although these tasks are supposed to be fun, and are, this one has kind of tweaked me.  And that makes me disappointed in myself.

Does that mean I won’t do it?  I don’t know. I think I’d be a big pussy if I didn’t do something just because it made me uncomfortable.  And regardless of W’s insistence that it’s meant to be fun, the times that I feel challenged, when he does something to me or makes me do something in spite of my comfort level, are the most memorable, and touch me the deepest.  So, we’ll see.

An interesting situation.


In conjunction with W’s tasks for me, I also created my own task list, of things I wanted to do while he was gone. We all know how I have had difficulty when W is gone in the past. Each time it gets a little easier, as we learn from our mistakes and find new ways to keep me feeling connected to our dynamic, as well as both of us connected as a couple. W’s Task List grew out of that.

My own task list grew out of my desire to take personal accountability for keeping myself sane and happy and occupied while he is gone.  I appreciate the efforts he is making to address some of the issues I go thru when he’s gone, and he seems to be enjoying them as much as I am, but I’m a big girl, and I realized it was time to put my Big Girl Pants on and take my separation-anxiety-demon by the balls and castrate it. Or at least give myself some clear goals to focus on rather than my whiny-ass self.

In other words, stop with the self-pity and do something about it already, right?

So, following is my list.  I have been working steadily on it, and sending updates to W on it, and it’s been both an edifying and enlightening experience. What has stood out for me in all this is that I really do kind of need some structure, someone to be accountable to. Not only because it forces me to be accountable, but also because it feels good to know that someone else sees what I am accomplishing (or vise versa, acts as a stick when I am not accomplishing what I need to.) I like knowing he will know–and wants to know–that I have done task 1, 2 or 3; or that I am accomplishing the goals I set for myself.

And yes, it also serves to remind me, in one more small way, of my dynamic with him, and that makes me feel secure, makes me feel loved, makes me feel cared for.  Even when he is far away, even when I don’t hear him tell me he loves me, this somehow translates to that for me.  I don’t know why–and I am okay not understanding the why of it.  It is enough that it is.

Jade’s Personal Task List

  • Short story submission for April 1 (couples kink story) Not completed. I’d like to say it’s because I was too busy, but the reality is that I just procrastinated until it was too late. I got it about half written.
  • Keep up with the “Couch to 5K in 8 weeks” running program Have kept up mostly, running & doing weights at least 2 days/week and sometimes 3. I am in week three (repeating it) now.
  • Start a 3x per week yoga or stretching regimen Have been stretching out when I run, but have not attended any formal classes. I still have two weeks though.
  • NO FAST FOOD – I want to try not to eat any fast food (except subway maybe 1x per week) for the month. Success so far! Fell off the wagon briefly the other day with a breakfast burrito from Micky D’s, but other than that have been fast food FREE.
  • Look at possible ring configurations for the cruise, coordinate with W to see I need additional rings Have not done yet, on my to-do list for this weekend.
  • “Boys Jade Has Fucked” list updates Completed 5 out of 30. Need to get on this a little bit!
  • Finish crochet bikini After crocheting one of the bra cups three times, I now think I have the sizing right and am working on finishing a fourth (and final) version. Then it’s on to the other cup and the bottoms! Will I make it in time for the cruise?  I don’t know, but I do have 16 hours in a car to work on it if it comes down that.
  • Try out body paint w/Ad Done! Now need to order body paint.
  • Get W and Ad’s headscarves made Bought materiel, Mj is making.
  • Create cruise/trip itinerary Haven’t started yet.
  • Complete 30 Days Truth/Kink One entry (maybe?) Truthfully my Tasks project has kept me with enough kinky writing material that I don’t need more for PoJ, although it might be good for over here.
  • Complete cruise docs/reserve beach excursion/order wine packages Done!
  • Find Belize excursion Waiting on W.
  • Couples cards Waiting on W.
  • Swinger profiles Set up the cruise dot com profiles and have been posting on those boards (networking, baby!) Set up one “regular” swinger site profile and have gotten a good start on the “About Us” essays from W. Need to edit and complete profile.
  • Organize blog drafts Yikes. Not even.
  • Pay Lewbari invoice Done.
  • Order blue hemp Just ordered! http://ajarope.com/home/6mm-15ft-electric-blue-hemp-rope-p-296.html  And realized that the color I had in my mind is not actually the color of the rope, which may change my decision on the below…
  • blue shoes Decided I don’t need them, will use white. But now, seeing the above, I may change my mind…
  • white pool sandals/white high heels Got some cute while high heels that really started growing on me when I tried them on last night with my outfits. Am undecided about the pool shoes (I think the ones I found are cute, but I have flip flops and sandals, so…maybe W will have to survive with me not being in heels at the pool. Then again…if I want to establish myself as the High Heel Girl…well, I gotta keep up the image, right? ;-)
  • Swinger lingerie Almost complete.
  • Go thru Ad’s clothes/shop with Ad Done.

I added on a few to-do’s as the month has gone by as well:

  • Make a dentist appt Done. Monday, April 4, 12 pm
  • Make a hair appt Done. Tuesday, April 19 6 pm
  • Make a wax appt (legs AND cooch! Woot!) Done. Thurs, April 21 5:30 pm
  • Get nails done Possibly getting them done by a friend Fri night before we leave.
  • Work on a base tan In the works.
  • Get my formal night dress hemmed At the Russian lady’s. Need to pick up.
  • Go thru my jewelry box Done.
  • Organize my drawers/closet Done.
  • Take items to the dry cleaners Saturday
  • Return overdue library book Hahahahaha. I SUCK. But I do bring in revenue to the library district!
  • Figure out how to add books from library to my eReader, add books Umm, yeah. Someday…
  • Figure out suitcase situation

And that’s all she wrote!


Plans, plans and more plans…

March 11, 2011

I’ve got so many things I need to remember, so many things I gotta do, that I think I better start writing them down…

This weekend

  1. Cruise docs
  2. Profile?
  3. “Couples Cards”?
  4. Look over W’s clothes
  5. Shopping w/W?
  6. CS5 books?
  7. New playlist on iPod
  8. ‘s addresses/keys/instructions for house-sitting
  9. Party store: Mardis Gras stuff & Stairclimb stuff
  10. Enough “must do” things for work so I can take Monday off?
  11. And, according to W’s email, “bondage/fuckmeat/torment/objectification/display/planning”

This month:

  1. Short story submission
  2. W daily tasks
  3. Crochet bikini
  4. The “List” daily update
  5. Order book
  6. Keep up with running
  7. Yoga and/or stretching

And now I am making other plans. Dates. Naughty pictures in public. Things to do to entertain W while he’s gone. (Shhh! It’s a secret!) I actually did have THREE dates lined up the week that W departs. But I stupidly forgot that my Saturday is filled with the big event that I manage the volunteers for. So I won’t be in any shape to go out that night. :-(  I am REALLY looking forward to my date with Lawyer Guy on Wednesday though–I am glad it wasn’t that one I had to cancel! And on Thursday day I have a lunch date with a new guy. And just now I have been planning…naughtiness…with a guy that I have played with a bit before.  I can’t wait!! Fun fun fun til my daddy takes the t-bird away, right?

Ha!


Truth: Day 14 – No Heroes

December 14, 2010

 

When in doubt, tell the truth.

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.

Another Truth post that is supposed to be in the form of a letter, but I wouldn’t know who to address it to. I have no heroes, never have. I’ve never held anyone up to the status of my own, personal “hero” because everyone makes mistakes, everyone fails, everyone falls. No one could live up to the pressure of being a hero, and I would never ask someone to.  That’s just setting someone up for failure, and myself for disappointment. Instead I feel blessed by the very humanness my loved ones exhibit, by the fact that they feel safe enough, secure enough, and loved enough by me to show me their failings, and to know they never have to live up to any arbitrary ideal I set for them.  I do not put people on pedestals (or at least try not to) and do not want to be set on a pedestal myself.

Except, maybe like this.


I ran this morning for the first time in ages.  I’ve been doing classes, which has been enjoyable, but it does not hold the sheer joy of stretching my legs, feeling the sweat pour off my body, finding that headspace that I do when running.  It was good, and it felt right to force myself out of bed and into the world, into physicality, this morning. I am a hedonist at heart, but also have a need to push myself at times, which naturally wars with said hedonism. Moderation in all things, right? Too much hedonism makes a slothful, lazy girl. Too much pushing makes a sore, tired one. So I am trying (again) to find a balance. Balancing has never been my forte.

See?


But I keep trying. It is my life’s calling, I suppose, to find that balance.


I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I did manage to get a story sent out to an editor for a call for submissions this month. I love the story, even though it was rejected by another editor, so I had to try to find a new home for it.  It shows a softer side to WIITWD, a story of romantic bondage that I actually asked W and Ad to help me with in real life–not the writing of it, but the acting out of it. We’ll see what happens.

That said, there are a number of upcoming deadlines for anthologies calling for submissions (see the Erotica Readers and Writers Association website for a complete list and details.) A short list:

Lesbian BDSM Erotica Anthology [Title Forthcoming]
Editor: Sinclair Sexsmith
Publisher: Cleis Press
Deadline: January 1, 2011 (Fall 2011 release)
Payment: USD $50 and 2 copies of the book on publication
lesbianbdsmerotica at gmail.com

Red Velvet and Absinthe: Gothic Tales of Erotic Romance
Editor: Mitzi Szereto
Publisher: Cleis Press
Deadline: January 1, 2011 (earlier submissions are strongly encouraged )
Payment: $50-70 (payable on publication) and 2 copies of the anthology
Send to: submissions at mitziszereto.com

Going Down: Oral Sex Erotica
Editor: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Publisher: Cleis Press
Payment: $50 and 2 copies of the book on publication.
Deadline: January 15, 2011 (earlier submissions preferred)
goingdownantho at gmail.com

Corsets and Clockworks: Steampunk Erotic Romance
Editor: Kristina Wright
Publisher: Cleis Press
Publication Date: Fall 2011
Deadline: February 15 (earlier submissions preferred!)
Payment: $100 per story and 2 copies of the book, on publication
E-mail: corsetsandclockworks at gmail.com

Bound By Lust: A Collection of BDSM-flavored Erotic Romance
Editor: Shanna Germain
Publisher: Cleis Press
Deadline: March 1, 2011
Payment: $50/story
BoundByLust at gmail.com

Chocolate Flava 3: The Eroticanoir.com Anthology
Editor: Zane
Publisher: Simon and Schuster/ATRIA Books
Deadline: March 1, 2011
Payment: A one-time fee of $300 and 5 complimentary copies
Emailed submissions not accepted: Send your submissions to: Strebor Books/Simon and Schuster, ATTN: Chocolate Flava 2, PO Box 6505, Largo, MD 20792.

Best Bondage Erotica 2012
Editor: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Publisher: Cleis Press in late 2011
Deadline: April 1, 2011
Payment: $50 and 2 copies of the book on publication

Best Erotic Romance 2012
Editor: Kristina Wright
Publisher: Cleis Press
Publication Date: Winter 2012
Deadline: April 15 (earlier submissions preferred)
Payment: $100 per story and 2 copies of the book, on publication
E-mail: besteroticromance2012@gmail.com

Best Women’s Erotica 2012
Editor: Violet Blue
Publisher: Cleis Press
Deadline: May 1st, 2011
Paste your story submissions into emails and send to: cleisbook at gmail.com

Best Lesbian Romance 2012
Editor: Radclyffe
Publisher: Cleis Press
Deadline: March 15, 2011
Payment: $50 and 2 contributor copies


In other news, this month looks like it’s going to be a poopy one, in terms of getting Jade tied up, beat and/or fucked. Well, I did get several days of good fucking, and had an awesome scene with Ad and W at a play party earlier in the month, but since then…bleh.  I had some recent (minor) surgery that has dampened things a bit, W hurt himself beating on me (how’s that for irony?) and is now suffering from a cold, he will be away for a few days at Christmas and I have some rather more extensive surgery right after he gets back that will most likely lay me up for several weeks afterward. I had (hoped) to maybe schedule a couple days with W before the holidays to get my fix for a few weeks, but I am not sure that will happen. We have a play party at the new playspace on Friday though, so who knows? Maybe the stars will align and we’ll all be healthy and in the right headspace for it.

And that, as they say, is all she wrote. At least for the moment. ;-)


Silly Sunday Mornings

November 14, 2010

I’ve decided not to cut my hair. It is, apparently, an asset.

Oh, and just discovered WordPress for Android. Will wonders never cease? I love technology.

Now, for shower and some food. My head hurts.


Busy Bee

November 1, 2010

“How was your day?” the pseudo-father-in-law asked.

I froze, one hand on the stair rail, my face turned away as I desperately tried to think of what to say.  I had been heading rapidly down the stairs, hoping to avoid small talk. I’m so bad at making things up to cover for my frequent absences.

“Oh, um,” I stammered, “it was great! I went to, um, to the park. It was such a lovely day.” What I didn’t mention was that I had been decked out in full ponygear doing a photo shoot in a public park right smack in the middle of downtown, with the Arch as a backdrop. Or that only an hour before that I had been handcuffed in a hogtie on W’s floor. Or that the evening before that, I had been sleeping in W’s bed…okay, well, sleeping and not sleeping, if you take my meaning.

I don’t know how much he knows about what I do or where I am on the frequent nights that I don’t come home. Of course I don’t want him to know about much that I do…but I get tired of not being able to just say, “I was at W’s.” He knows W, does he ever wonder who he is?  Probably not; most people take “He’s a friend,” at face value. But then I think about the coworker and her bf that rent our house, and the fact that I just found out that they have a female “roommate.”  My quotation marks, for all I know she is just a roommate. But the other night my coworker invited me out to a local alternative club where they were going to see Rocky Horror…soooo? Who knows.

Perhaps it is the fact that I am feeling tenuous connections being made between me and W’s family that is making me think about this.  He’s told his mom and daughter about me. This week I am sending a baby hat that I crocheted for his granddaughter to her. He invited me down to FL to visit him this month while he’s away–and stay at his mom’s if I did! He mentioned perhaps going to NYC with him sometime, where I would meet his daughter and son-in-law.  Of course they don’t know that I live with someone else. That is not part of the conversation, nor does it need to be. My own family, while aware I am poly, don’t actually know that the “W” I speak of on occasion is, in fact, my other partner. I did tell my mom that it was he that stayed with me the entire time I was in hospital, though.  I know eventually I will tell her, at least.  My sister I don’t talk to enough to make it matter, and my stepfather…well, we just don’t talk about some things. But my mom and I do, so I have been preparing the way a bit. After having been with W for two years, maybe it’s time, eh?  But I totally understand why that doesn’t have to be a part of W’s conversation with his family.  That I am in the conversation at all makes me feel…deliriously happy. Validated. Important to him. (I know, I know, all things I should feel anyway, but I feel what I feel…)

Anyway.

The past week or so was insane…crazy…wonderful. The aforementioned photo shoot was just the icing on a very tall, wonderfully yummy cake. The two days before KK, then KK, then Baltimore and then back home to hang with Ad and kids, and then unexpected time with W before he leaves for FL. I think I am better equipped to deal with his absence this time than last, but the proof will be in the pudding, eh?  Especially as at least two of those weeks will be sans Ad as well.  My daughter knows me so well sometimes…when I told her that W and Ad would be gone, she texted me, “OMG, do you have your Happy Light?!?”  (Yes, it does work for those of us who suffer SAD. I was able to kick the meds by using it.)  I thought it was so funny/cool that she recognizes that. Next she told me she’d be sure to hang out at home more, make sure I didn’t get lonely and depressed.  I assured her that although I would love her company, I am quite capable of being home alone (something that is surely true in the technical sense, but perhaps is more difficult to bear emotionally than I let on.)  With that reality in mind, I have started a list of things I want to get done/do while The Boys are gone:

  • I am deciding on a writing project for a short story submission.
  • I’ve (once again) joined the madness that is NaNoWriMo
  • Daily writing for PoJ/APL
  • Three crocheting projects to complete, AND
  • I want to start working on my new domains. (That’s right, folks, I’m taking this blog and PoJ to my own domain(s)!  Woohoo!  But I’ve got a lot of work to do before I do it.)

Aside from that stuff, I have many OK Cupids to comb thru (didn’t realize my message notifications were going into my Spam folder! (WTF? After a couple years??), a possible “Special Date” in the potential offing, I’m kinda putting feelers out to the local swinger community and starting to chat with them, a birthday date-surprise for a special Dom friend of mine (tho she hasn’t called me back, so…I don’t know if that’s a go or not), AND Spanksgiving to attend/vend and, if all works out (which it probably won’t, sigh) maybe play at.  Plus think of some new project to do for W, and work on the logistics for a new weekly feature on PoJ, plus, plus plus…! Oh and yeah, deal with my kids & dog & food all on my own.  Oh, and start the new classes at the gym with my workmates!

Whew, this may be an insane month.  Thank GOD the guys are leaving, else I wouldn’t have time for them, right? ;-)


Lost & Found

September 9, 2010

Recently I confessed to W that I have lost three sets of tit collars.  Three!  As if he didn’t know. “I know,” he answered laconically, with barely suppressed exasperation in his voice.  They are a pain-in-the-ass to make, time-consuming and tedious–and I am obviously a really sucky girlfriend for being careless with them.  And really, I love to wear them.  They are like my own special, hidden jewelry from W. So I felt pretty awful.

Until this morning, when I opened up the side pocket in my gym bag and found them!  Only one pair–but it’s a start. So I am wearing them today at work, just because.

What I am not wearing is panties. I forgot to bring them into the gym with me.  Tight jeans, multiple labia piercings and no panties = ouchie!  All day.  Penance for losing two sets of tit collars? Perhaps.  At least W will be amused. He once confessed to me that while I was so uncomfortably going through the whole labia-piercing-healing process, it amused him greatly to think of me all day at work, unable to sit comfortably, unless I was on a blow-up hemorrhoid ring.  And he claims not to be a sadist.

I also have newly painted toenails.  After an email conversation yesterday with him, I figured I’d better do them.

Me:  I just looked down at my toes and realized I have no toenail polish on.  I am lost without you to give me reasons to do such things. ;-)

Him: LOL…I suppose I should find someone for you to fuck after work in the next week or two. Perhaps you should put polish on just in case.

Ain’t he just a riot!

I had a wonderful workout this morning at my new gym. I have always liked going to the Y.  Supporting an organization I believe in is part of why I always sign up with them every fall when my allergies hit.  I also figured they were priced about the same as any gym.  But when my coworkers joined this gym, and told me what they paid–I realized that is NOT so. I was paying 3x what I am at the new place, and the new place has ALL free classes, classes at the time I need them, plus is open 24 hours!  And (I know this is a ridiculous thing to think is important, but it is) the new place has a locker/shower room that isn’t like a high school locker room.  I love it!

And last in the lost and found column is that I also found a pair of my sunglasses that had gone missing.  I am still missing one pair from the Twisted Tryst weekend, but at least I found the others!

Okay, off to actually do some work….


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