Truth: Day 9 – Butterfly

November 17, 2010

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. ~Steve Jobs

My horoscope today, so very apropos:

Wednesday, Nov 17th, 2010 – The alluring quality of your feelings can be quite intoxicating now, whether or not you are in a new relationship. You could even fall in love anew with someone familiar, or discover an exciting attraction to a total stranger. Either way, your enthusiasm is contagious as long as you don’t allow fear to stand between you and love.

I think I fall in love with W a little more every day.

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Today’s Truth: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I guess that means “drifted away from.”

I have actually done this more times than I like to admit. I am…capricious at times; as a friend has called me, a “butterfly, flitting from thing to thing.”  I don’t think she meant it unkindly, and she didn’t add “and person to person,” but I have to be honest and admit that sometimes, the worst connotation of that could probably also be applied to me, as well as the kinder one.

Sometimes I let people…lovers…friends….drift away. It makes me sad, but then, I get busy again, my interest flits off somewhere else, and…I forget about it.  Until the next time.

It’s also a defense mechanism of sorts. True friendships, deep friendships, are work to maintain, and I don’t always have the time/energy to put out the effort to take them from acquaintances to true friendships.  But then I end up with a week like last week, when I had all kinds of free time–and had no one to spend it with. When the guys are here, it’s fine: I am so full of “deep” friendship, of deep relationship, I have no time and no need for any others; the other lighter relationships suit me. And I’ve never been one for many close friends.  I usually have one or two close friends and then a wide circle of people that know me, and I know, that I talk to and maybe even have brief flings with, but who I never really form the kind of friendship in which, say, I would call them up and ask them to go to the mall with me, or to a movie.

Sometimes, though, I regret letting those fledgling, half-formed relationships lie fallow and drift away.  And even more so I regret not nurturing relationships in which I felt a true connection, but couldn’t seem to make stick, for some reason.

There are actually three people I can think of that this has happened with (or is happening with now):

The first girl I ever fell in love with, my NatureGirl; my close friend & lover-once-upon-a-time, C; and my friend B in Chicago.  All of these people are within my reach to reconnect with, but…I just don’t know how to, not anymore at least. We’ve drifted too far apart and let the moment slip by.

(From the Truth Meme. I found it via The Blogging Slave, who got it from Rayne of Insatiable DesireRose Thorne has also joined in the truth-telling!  Let me know if you do, and I’ll put a link to your blog here as well.)


Busy Bee

November 1, 2010

“How was your day?” the pseudo-father-in-law asked.

I froze, one hand on the stair rail, my face turned away as I desperately tried to think of what to say.  I had been heading rapidly down the stairs, hoping to avoid small talk. I’m so bad at making things up to cover for my frequent absences.

“Oh, um,” I stammered, “it was great! I went to, um, to the park. It was such a lovely day.” What I didn’t mention was that I had been decked out in full ponygear doing a photo shoot in a public park right smack in the middle of downtown, with the Arch as a backdrop. Or that only an hour before that I had been handcuffed in a hogtie on W’s floor. Or that the evening before that, I had been sleeping in W’s bed…okay, well, sleeping and not sleeping, if you take my meaning.

I don’t know how much he knows about what I do or where I am on the frequent nights that I don’t come home. Of course I don’t want him to know about much that I do…but I get tired of not being able to just say, “I was at W’s.” He knows W, does he ever wonder who he is?  Probably not; most people take “He’s a friend,” at face value. But then I think about the coworker and her bf that rent our house, and the fact that I just found out that they have a female “roommate.”  My quotation marks, for all I know she is just a roommate. But the other night my coworker invited me out to a local alternative club where they were going to see Rocky Horror…soooo? Who knows.

Perhaps it is the fact that I am feeling tenuous connections being made between me and W’s family that is making me think about this.  He’s told his mom and daughter about me. This week I am sending a baby hat that I crocheted for his granddaughter to her. He invited me down to FL to visit him this month while he’s away–and stay at his mom’s if I did! He mentioned perhaps going to NYC with him sometime, where I would meet his daughter and son-in-law.  Of course they don’t know that I live with someone else. That is not part of the conversation, nor does it need to be. My own family, while aware I am poly, don’t actually know that the “W” I speak of on occasion is, in fact, my other partner. I did tell my mom that it was he that stayed with me the entire time I was in hospital, though.  I know eventually I will tell her, at least.  My sister I don’t talk to enough to make it matter, and my stepfather…well, we just don’t talk about some things. But my mom and I do, so I have been preparing the way a bit. After having been with W for two years, maybe it’s time, eh?  But I totally understand why that doesn’t have to be a part of W’s conversation with his family.  That I am in the conversation at all makes me feel…deliriously happy. Validated. Important to him. (I know, I know, all things I should feel anyway, but I feel what I feel…)

Anyway.

The past week or so was insane…crazy…wonderful. The aforementioned photo shoot was just the icing on a very tall, wonderfully yummy cake. The two days before KK, then KK, then Baltimore and then back home to hang with Ad and kids, and then unexpected time with W before he leaves for FL. I think I am better equipped to deal with his absence this time than last, but the proof will be in the pudding, eh?  Especially as at least two of those weeks will be sans Ad as well.  My daughter knows me so well sometimes…when I told her that W and Ad would be gone, she texted me, “OMG, do you have your Happy Light?!?”  (Yes, it does work for those of us who suffer SAD. I was able to kick the meds by using it.)  I thought it was so funny/cool that she recognizes that. Next she told me she’d be sure to hang out at home more, make sure I didn’t get lonely and depressed.  I assured her that although I would love her company, I am quite capable of being home alone (something that is surely true in the technical sense, but perhaps is more difficult to bear emotionally than I let on.)  With that reality in mind, I have started a list of things I want to get done/do while The Boys are gone:

  • I am deciding on a writing project for a short story submission.
  • I’ve (once again) joined the madness that is NaNoWriMo
  • Daily writing for PoJ/APL
  • Three crocheting projects to complete, AND
  • I want to start working on my new domains. (That’s right, folks, I’m taking this blog and PoJ to my own domain(s)!  Woohoo!  But I’ve got a lot of work to do before I do it.)

Aside from that stuff, I have many OK Cupids to comb thru (didn’t realize my message notifications were going into my Spam folder! (WTF? After a couple years??), a possible “Special Date” in the potential offing, I’m kinda putting feelers out to the local swinger community and starting to chat with them, a birthday date-surprise for a special Dom friend of mine (tho she hasn’t called me back, so…I don’t know if that’s a go or not), AND Spanksgiving to attend/vend and, if all works out (which it probably won’t, sigh) maybe play at.  Plus think of some new project to do for W, and work on the logistics for a new weekly feature on PoJ, plus, plus plus…! Oh and yeah, deal with my kids & dog & food all on my own.  Oh, and start the new classes at the gym with my workmates!

Whew, this may be an insane month.  Thank GOD the guys are leaving, else I wouldn’t have time for them, right? ;-)


Freedom of Speech

October 19, 2010

I wrote a post over on PoJ the other day in which I talked (obliquely) about a scene I had recently with someone W set me up with. I was a little hesitant to post it, because while it wasn’t meant to be criticism, but rather musings on a particular thing that came up during negotiations for the scene and afterward, I was worried that it might come across that way, and the person that instigated those musings–the Top with whom I played–reads that blog (and this one as well.)

You never know how people will take things they read in your blog. I used to be very careful about who I gave my blog address to, preferring to keep it from local, real-life friends & acquaintances, because some of the things we do, the way we play, etc., can be…a little on the “not-quite-acceptable” side.  A little edgy.  And, frankly, I wasn’t sure I wanted them to know all that about me.  Especially as many of my friends in the local BDSM scene knew me as my ex’s submissive and saw me a certain way.  To have them see me as W’s slut, to have them know what he does to me and makes me do, to allow them to see me degraded and degrading myself at times, well, I just didn’t know if I wanted that.

I also didn’t know if I was ready for them to know W like that.  I wanted them to know him and like him, and to understand what I saw in him, besides the fact that I love how he does hurt me, use me, degrade me when we play.  If they saw all that stuff first though, before they got to know him as a person, or saw how healthy our relationship is, they would have been likely to make judgments about him as a person (and question my judgment in being with him.)

After my break-up with the ex and my subsequent withdrawal from the lifestyle and from everyone I had known in it, some of them were understandably protective of me when I decided to come back into the scene.  And to come back with someone that is obviously a far more intense and edgy player than anyone I have been with before (and than many of the people in our local community in general), well, there was some generalized concern. “Does she know what the fuck she is doing?” I think is how a friend put it later to me.  This isn’t an unwarranted reaction, to be truthful; we see it all the time, naive, inexperienced submissives and bottoms that get in over their heads and don’t know how to get out of situations that are too much for them. Telling them that I knew perfectly well what I was doing, what I wanted, and where I was going wouldn’t have helped much–everyone says that. The fact that I did, and do, would have to be shown, and that would just take time to prove.

So, for awhile, my blogs were pretty anonymous.

I don’t know exactly when it was that I decided to open my blogs up to them.  I do know that I had many long conversations about it with both guys about the possible repercussions in being more public, and about possible reactions–not just to me, but to them. My relationship with A was still a fairly unknown element with them as well. Although I had been involved with him for a year before the ex and I split, and although they had met and gotten to know him before we split, due to his reserve, and my withdrawal from everyone when the split happened, I don’t think they had a good feel for the solidness of our relationship, nor for how well W fit into that picture.  Was I looking for a replacement for A? Was my relationship with A on shaky ground? And even, was I going to ruin another good relationship?  My ex had been well-liked and respected, and I know that there was some feeling that I had caused the break-up (I had, but not in the way that some people thought) and thought that perhaps I was just being selfish, or flighty, or careless with yet another good man’s heart.

All that is long past. I exposed and publicize my blogs and postings quite openly now, but I do think holding back on “revealing all” was a sensible approach: although sometimes I still get the occasional “are you really okay?” after I post something horrific over there or after they see us scene together, I think they know that this is, truly, what I want, heart and soul, and that while it may not be for them, it really is good for me.  And they all seem to like and respect W, can see the strength of our relationship in its entirety, and know that it is precisely because of Ad’s and my solidity and love for each other that it all works so well.  And yes, sometimes the exhibitionist that lurks inside gets a little thrill to know that something I do titillates or shocks those around me, those that run into me at events, parties, and gatherings. Blast my narcissistic heart, but (okay, I admit it, W) I do get off on a little notoriety.

There’s another reason I wasn’t totally open about my blogs right from the start though; a reason many of us out here in the blogosphere have encountered and wrestle with, and the one I began this post talking about: how to balance my need to be open here, not to censor myself, with my desire not to ruffle feathers, not to cause confrontations, and not to use this in a way that hurts others.

Because I have been/done that.

I lost a very good friend and destroyed a relationship between myself, my ex and a woman that we were both involved with by writing something both hurtful and indiscreet in my old blog.  At the time, I felt it was necessary, a “wake up call” to some self-destructive behaviors, but my blog was neither the place nor the way to communicate that.  I recognize now that I did it that way precisely because I couldn’t confront her face-to-face, but blogging was both cowardly and passive/aggressive, and I regret doing it because I embarrassed and hurt her, something I wasn’t intending and would never have wanted to do.  That I learned a valuable lesson from it doesn’t make it okay.

I was initially cautious to even start blogging again, after that fiasco. I love to write, I love to muse on the things we do, to share my thoughts on life, on love and sex and happiness and pain and relationships and BDSM and everything else, but I was pretty gun shy. I so wanted share these things with W, the things I experience inside when we do this stuff, and I thought that he, of everyone I had known, would truly appreciate it, but I couldn’t be sure. There is nothing more disheartening than to share this space with someone, wanting them to know my innermost heart, only to discover that they don’t even bother to read it. It’s hard not to feel…slighted…by that.  Not to feel like they don’t really care to know about me.  Rationally I know that isn’t true, many people just don’t get into blogging or reading blogs, but, on an emotional level it’s a hard feeling to shake.  What if I did write all this stuff, and he didn’t read it?  Didn’t care?  I really liked him by that point, already knew I wanted to continue to be with him to explore what we had started, and I didn’t want to jeopardize that by feeling resentful because he didn’t read it.  Or, conversely, if he did and something I wrote hurt or angered him.  What if he broke up with me because of something I wrote, as she had?  And even worse (to me, personally, as a writer, as a blogger): I need to be honest in my blog, that’s why I write.  What if I was unable to be honest because I worried about his reaction all the time?

I needn’t have worried about him not being interested in what I write. W reads, and often comments on, everything I write. It is just another part of “paying attention,” as he does in a scene, I guess.  He listens: to my voice when we talk, to my words when I write, to my body when we play. It’s probably how I learned to be so multi-orgasmic with him–he and my body have very intimate talks, even when my brain isn’t engaged. lol

He has also insisted that this is my space, and that I should write whatever I want or need to here, even if I think he won’t like it.  In fact he insists that I do write whatever I want to here.

Recently, that edict was tested a bit.  I wrote some things, he didn’t like them, we had a pretty intense talk about it.  It was uncomfortable.  I felt bad.  But I did discover that even when I did say something stupid here, or something that he didn’t like, that upset or even hurt him, he didn’t stop loving me and he didn’t leave me.  The sky didn’t fall down and we didn’t fall apart.

I am learning that…sometimes…it’s okay to screw up. That doing so doesn’t mean the world falls apart. That I don’t have to always “go along to get along.” Yes, I gotta take my lumps when I say things that affect other people, but…that’s okay too. It’s part of communicating too.  Of learning.

Live, love and learn.


Weekend Notes

October 5, 2010

I carried my keys into my office this morning in my mouth.  I’ve locked my keys in my car several times in the past few weeks.  It has been an occasional thing before (prompting Ad to make multiple copies of my car key), but now it’s becoming a disturbing trend.  I think it’s because I have things in my hands when I get out of the car, so don’t think about the keys.  So Ad suggested the keys-in-mouth trick. We’ll see if that works. Though if any of my coworkers see me they are going to laugh their asses off.

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I had a good weekend.  Quiet for the most part, except for a pretty intense fisting scene W and I did Saturday night. (Heh, like how I just threw that in there? La-di-da, and oh yeah, by the way, W fisted me the other night.  No big deal…)  It is a big deal, actually, not something we do every day for sure, but I don’t know, because of the context of the situation, it didn’t have the emotional resonance it had the first time we did it. I think, actually, it was set up more in line with the way W approaches play at times: kind of objectifying and remote.  And I think that was exactly what he wanted it to be, because he was doing it to prep me for an upcoming play session with someone else.  But for me, it’s an incredibly intimate experience, and something I want to be intimate, not brutal or cold.  We talked a little about that aspect afterward as well, when I kind of reacted to some of the scene language he was using about it, and expressed some of my concerns in playing that way, with this particular act, especially with this new person he is going to allow to play with me tomorrow.

But wait, all that is not part of this blog…you’ll have to read more about that sometime over on Pieces of Jade.

What did have more emotional resonance with me was the quiet time W and I had afterward, on Sunday, laying in the grass in the park, talking about nothing–deliberately not talking about anything. We had done an awful lot of that Friday night and Saturday after we had come home from the munch, and I think we both wanted to just…be. Be in each other’s company and presence, be safe and quiet together, without the emotional climate that talking “about” things of the past week engendered.  I know I just wanted to feel cocooned, warm and safe with him.  And I did.

It was good.

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There is other stuff to think about re: the weekend, but, I am not sure I’m ready/able/should talk about them. We’ll have to see.


Too much, too much

October 1, 2010

My horrorscope was so right on today I have to share it:

The self-protective Cancer Moon usually tempts us to withdraw from others, but emotional retreat isn’t likely today. The apparent significance of our thoughts is inflated by magnifying Jupiter as it opposes smart Mercury. The cosmic tension between opinionated Jupiter and the messenger planet encourages us to say more than is necessary. Meanwhile a quixotic Mercury-Neptune quincunx makes it difficult to know when the facts are being bent out of shape.

You may have high hopes about a relationship today. Or, you might become frustrated and try overly hard to please your friends. It’s tempting for you to expect more from your partner than he or she can deliver. Instead of fixating on the outcome, bring your attention back to the present so you can enjoy the process as it unfolds.

Yep, I know that everything I am feeling right now seems so significant, so damn important, but that opinion isn’t reality.  And I will probably say too much, but, hell, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t say and feel too much, would I?

And yes, I know that at the crux of my irritation all this week has been that I have unrealistic expectations.  I expect other people (W, in this instance) to think and act as I would, or as I want him to. And that’s just not fair. I do have to let this past week go and just be in the moment, and enjoy the fact that he’s back.  It’s pretty hard to do, though.

I’ve been bent out of shape and pissy all week while W’s been gone. While I do think he could have alleviated the situation, the reality is that…well, it is what it is.  He is how he is.  And, as Ad so succinctly put it, I need to just “get over it.”  I don’t want to be prickly and unhappy when he gets home, when I see him. But I know that this is coming through even in my choice of dress to meet him.  Last time, I wore this:

I even wore tit collars, even tho he didn't ask me to.

Today, while dressed cute, I am definitely not dressed “W style.” Sweater, foo-foo skirt and boots.  And nothing sexy or naughty underneath.  It feels almost…rebellious to me.  Sassy kinda, but not in a wholly nice way. I think I’m acting out. :-(  And the thing is–I don’t want to act out. I don’t want to be pissy and resentful when he gets here! But I don’t know how not to be.  I am not good at stuffing my feelings.

I am also worried that having said what I did in my earlier post might have hurt or angered him. He’s seemed distant in our brief communications, but I don’t know if he’s upset or if it’s just how hard it is to really communicate with him via email/IM. So…I am having a bit of anxiety about seeing him tonight in general.  I just wish…he wanted to communicate more/better.  I wish it was as important to him as it is to me, or that the fact that it is so important to me made it important to him.

Sigh.  Just let it go. Let it go.

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I do get a lot done when he’s not around.

Worked out 3x this week–two actual 1 hour classes, ferchristssake, which left me SORE, which was nice, and a treadmill run which was exhilarating, but, I have to acknowledge, not really pushing me as much as I should.  As much as I could. Even the classes were a bit…easy, except for the abdominals. But I am able to keep up (and have to add bounces and stuff in order to keep myself working hard enough) in the cardio. Which is cool, but which also means, fuck, I have to work harder.

I worked all day yesterday, and got some serious work done. Pretty proud of myself.

Blogged 3x on PoJ and twice here.

Cleaned house.

Did laundry.

Did outside stuff.

Organized my upcoming writing goals and started organizing my bookmarks.

So maybe I should encourage him to go away more often, huh?

Nah.

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I’ve got a surprise for him when he gets back. I almost always find something to surprise him with when he returns from his trips.   I know, I know, that’s backwards, but I can’t help it–I love to surprise him.  It’s kind of become a little mission whenever he goes: What can I do/give him that will make his eyes light up? That will show him I was thinking about him while he was gone?  A couple times I have done his yard, installing new flowerbeds, doing landscaping, cutting and cleaning up and weeding. Another time I got this print for him; the next time I got it framed. Once I cleaned his kitchen and bought him a toaster. Another time I bought all new bedding for him. This time wasn’t anything so elaborate, but rather an inside joke having to do with this scene.

And no, I’m not gonna tell you what it is.

Well, maybe later. In fact, probably later. I’m hoping so, anyway. ;-)

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So the other day I mentioned a second reason why I am feeling especially out-of-sorts and anxious.  I really don’t feel like talking much about it (yet), but mainly it’s been that I have been chatting with someone that W is negotiating with to scene with me.  It’s put me in a weird place mentally…he (W) hasn’t been available to talk to me about the guy, or the situation, or what the guy is saying to me, or I to him, and it’s left me feeling very…anxious and vulnerable, kind of out here on my own, in a way I don’t like.  It really brings home how much I rely on him emotionally, actually, and I don’t know if I like that either.

Or maybe that isn’t exactly accurate. Part of D/s for me is that reliance on someone else for direction, for instruction, for boundaries and a feeling of safety. I love to feel that need for his support and direction, and when he gives it to me, at the risk of going all subbie/slavey, it really does my make my world feel settled and right. But when he’s not here to give that to me, I feel…alone.  Untethered. Not incapable of dealing with these kinds of things on my own, but…I just don’t know how to put it. I don’t like it.

How I wish that he loved this about me.  How I wish that he loved that I need him, that it inspired his desire to control, love, nurture and protect me! But I don’t think it does. I think it just…annoys him. I think about how independent his other partner is, and I know he loves that in a woman. But I don’t know how to not need his guidance, his presence. The deeper I go–the deeper I feel it, the more I need him.  I wish I could be someone else, not feel this, but I do.

Except, honestly, I don’t want to not feel it.  I like relying on him.  I like that I think about him 12 bazillion times a day.   I like this, and I like me, even if it does make me an emotional basket case at times. (LOL)  But really, even if I did want that, even if I did want to stop feeling that way, how could I?  How do you unfeel a thing?  and if you could, would you even want to?

And there you go, I’ve said more than is necessary.


Weekend Update

September 27, 2010

W’s out of town this week, so I am practicing my “I’m just a normal mom/girlfriend/psuedo-daughter-in-law/daughter” facade, checking everyone’s schedule, driving kids around, working out, writing, reading, planning dinners and making a grocery list (slow cooker food even!), doing all those normal mom/girlfriend type things–you know, the ones that don’t involve kink. Cuz my kink-guy is outta town. (sad face) Even he is pretending to be a normal person–he’s at his daughter’s place on the East Coast, waiting for her to have her baby, his first grandchild. Wow, huh? My kinky guy’s gonna be a grandpa! Part of me wishes that (well sometimes) we were a “normal” couple, and that I could get to know his daughter/grandchild.  You know, share in that? But I guess vicariously will have to do.  And hell, I make a lousy in-law with Ad’s family, and they are pretty awesome, so what am I saying? Why add to the weight of familial obligation?

I do pretty much have my week scheduled out though. This morning I dropped off the BoyChild at school (remembering to give him lunch money–I haven’t forgotten once yet! Go me…) and went to the gym.  Ran two miles and did some weights, and, um…bleh, I’m already a bit tight.  :-(  That’s what happens to lazy girls. Missy, her bf, the BC, Ad, me are home for dinner tonight, so I need to figure out what to make…oh yumm, just found a recipe for chicken enchilada casserole…!  Loving allrecipes.com and their “recipe box” feature.  And making a weekly menu makes me feel like a “real” mom.  lol  Tomorrow I drive the BC to school again, but I am planning to go to a workout class with my workmates tomorrow night–my first at the new gym–so don’t think I’ll hit the gym in the AM. I’d like to get some writing done, real writing on a new project, maybe I’ll grab me a coffee & a bagel and write at the cafe for an hour or so before work.  So, Tuesday night…slow cooker night? Wednesday is open (daughter & bf home, BC not.)  I was thinking about meeting a new guy from OKC for a drink, but…naw.  Think I’ll go home on time and hang with the kids and Ad.  So that means cooking dinner. (That’s three meals to plan!) Then Thursday is another gym class night, so, another easy or slow cooker night.

Sheesh sounds like all I do is think about food (and it’s true, I do, all the time!) but really, I kind of enjoy making dinner with Ad. It’s a really nice way to unwind from the day, and finding all these new recipes to try is a lot of fun.  Maybe not as much fun as getting tied up and messed with…or maybe it is.  It’s just a different kind of fun.

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I had a pretty good weekend. Started with my boss giving me the okay to work one day a week from home, so I’m thrilled about that!  Already set it up so that I’ll be (most weeks) at W’s the night before, so I can combine “I’m an office slave” play with work. ;-)  Then Friday night was a “special” date.  That went…well.  I mean, the guy was thrilled, and it wasn’t awful, in that it was all for W, and that was hot, knowing that all the while he would be waiting to hear all about it, knowing he wanted me there, knowing that this guy knew, all through drinks and smalltalk, that he was going to get laid, because W had said so…  And knowing that the guy really felt…I don’t know, like he’d won the lottery or had dreamed his good fortune in getting the opportunity to spend and evening with me. It’s flattering, and from the angle of wanting to give, of really feeling submissive, it worked. It wasn’t great sex, but the sex I had with W on Saturday, while I told him about it, and then later again, was great.  But that was just as I had assumed it would be.  It’s always that way…it makes me so fucking hot to know I’ve done what he wanted, that I’ve pleased him, and to feel the pressure of his pushing me to go there. And, yes, to know I gave this guy something he might not have had the chance to experience otherwise.

Along that tangent, it always amazes me when a man says, “God, I’ve never met a woman that would do that!” (whatever “that” is) when it seems like such a normal thing to me.  Or, “I’ve never met a woman that likes sex so much!” And, of course, most have never met someone that will look them right in the eye and say, “My Owner has told me to satisfy you sexually.  Will you allow me to do that?”  One thing he (W) has given to me in all this is a sense of being…special. Unusual, and possibly…desired for that.  Sought after, even. I mentioned that before in terms of BDSM, that BDSM really gave me an understanding of how much my “differentness” made me special and desirable. And now…he’s shown me how my sexuality and sensuality makes me special too.  Wanted.  And when he says, “You’re hot!” I’m starting to believe it.  To feel it.  And not just because I’ll spread my legs, or let someone tie me up and hurt me. But because I’m…me.

I’m not trying to be self-deprecating or falsely modest here.  I do know I am an attractive woman.  But I have just never been “that” girl, you know, someone that men actively (and openly) look at, lust over, watch. And now…sometimes…I am. And…it’s kinda cool.

And yet, as wonderful as all that is, Saturday was spent trying to get through the particular kind of “drop” I always get after I do these things. It’s weird…similar (very) to subdrop, but without the subspace incident that usually precipitates such. It’s (I guess) a sort of reaction to doing something this…emotionally edgy for me. I am in this heightened state of anxiety for so long, and then deeply in this space where I am so focused on him that I almost…lose myself in my desire to please him, but then, when it’s over, I kind of have to come back to myself, and sometimes, well, I still suffer from feelings of guilt, of being “bad” that I can’t seem to shake no matter how much I tell myself it’s not bad, what I do.  And then, I need to work through those. Generally, I work through them by spending time with W, feeling and experiencing his very real admiration of me and what I do for him & for others, and know that it really is okay, what I do.

Or he fucks me silly, and makes it better that way. lol

Seriously though, I really need to be with him afterward.  For the first time this time, we tried having me going home to Ad, and it just didn’t work. Nothing against Ad, and in fact I highly praise him, because when I mentioned my low feelings of Saturday day, before I’d got to see W, he said, “Well, of course you were feeling down. You do this for him, with him, you need to be with him after.  I just don’t get it the way he does, and I can’t give you what you need to come back from it.” What a lovely, smart man he is.

So, in future, if we can’t schedule me being with W after, it will have to not happen until we can. I did get to spend Saturday afternoon and evening with him, and then the next morning (of my Sleeping in Chains post) and had a lovely scene later that afternoon before I took him to the airport, which was perfect for getting me recentered and feeling “normal” again, but the hours spent in a funk Saturday morning, avoiding him and everyone else, were not so good, even if they looked good on the outside (facial at a spa, library, shopping & a yummy (expensive) lunch alone at a favorite restaurant.) Alone-time is not good for my emotional state when I am in the throes of that.  It did all come right though, and Sunday morning I “woke up” feeling my usual sexy, sassy, happy self.

I do wish I could give W that bouncy, excited girl that he wants me to be after I do this stuff without the sad-girl part, though. I know he doesn’t understand why I suffer, and, more than wanting me to be bouncy for him, he probably just plain doesn’t like seeing me suffer needlessly. (Unless, of course, he is directly causing it, because he wants me to. Then it’s okay. lol) But for me, knowing I am not what he wants me to be only makes it worse. I hate to fail him, even in small ways, even when I know he doesn’t see it that way. It’s like being short.  I can’t change that about myself, but knowing he prefers tall women makes me feel a little less because I am not. And yet he would never phrase it that way, I am sure.  It’s stupid of me, I know!

Anyway, enough useless rambling…this is starting to be a “poor pitiful me” post, when it is certainly not meant to be.  Maybe I am just feeling down because he’s away, it’s after 5pm there, and I haven’t heard a peep out of him. I know we’re not a “real” couple (see above) but at least he could let me know he is there and safe.  This is when I truly resent the shit out of the fact that he doesn’t text.

Sigh.

Okay, off to the grocery and home to Ad and kids and making a yummy dinner, and maybe, later, some warm, loving “vanilla” sex with my boyfriend. That’ll make me feel better.


Things that Go Bump

September 6, 2010

We all know how paramount good communication is to maintaining healthy relationships, poly or otherwise.  And I admit that I have fairly good skills in this department, as do my Guys. It’s one reason we get on so well, and have for so long–and will, hopefully continue to do.

But everyone stumbles occasionally, and there are always going to be bumps in the road to negotiate. This weekend was one of those “bumps.”

One of the challenges in poly relationships is that oftentimes we aren’t with our loved ones when something goes awry.  Many polyfolk, us included, don’t live with their OSO’s, either by choice or because they can’t.  And so when you hit a bump, you aren’t right there in the same room or house with your SO, and working through the issue has to be handled from afar. Over the phone, in email, maybe even in blogging or (heaven forbid) texting. And if, in the process of addressing the issue, that communication stops…well, you can’t just follow the person into the next room and say, “What’s up? What’s really going on? Why did you say that?” Or, “I’m feeling hurt and angry and here’s why.”

I don’t live with W.  We communicate a LOT via email every day. Little unimportant things, news and tidbits, shared stories and online Scrabble/Lexulous.  As if we were in the same room, chatting back and forth. We also use it–cautiously–to work through the occasional flare-up or issue that comes up.  He’s much better than I am at knowing when to say “stop” to the email and insist that we have a phone or face-to-face conversation, though, as so much can be misunderstood when you don’t have verbal or physical cues to clarify things. As I discovered recently when I had to work from home, I need those verbal/physical cues much more than I thought I did. I always knew that I need a lot of communication, but I was surprised at how much I rely on those other indicators as well.  And if the email communication stops and I have no indicator of the other’s emotional barometer? Bad bad news for Jade.

Saturday night an issue came up.  It is one that frustrates me in my relationship with W, but that I usually deal okay with.  Well, for whatever reason, Saturday night it came to a bit of a head. I didn’t want to address it right then, as we were in the midst of a night out with the three of us, but I’m not that good at compartmentalizing, and it soured my enjoyment of the evening to the point that I called the evening short and left W’s feeling angry and resentful, something I have seldom–if ever–done in the past.  The next day, yesterday, he sent me a short email that he considered an olive branch, but which I felt trivialized or ignored the real issue.  I sent him a terse response back, fully expecting, as one would do in person, a “Hey, what’s going on here?” communication. Which would then allow us to talk through the original issue.

(And yes, I recognize that as passive/aggressive. Rather than simply saying I had a problem, I wanted him to want to know what was wrong. I realize now that the reason I had reacted so negatively the night before was not just the usual issue, but something in addition to it that both hurt my feelings and made my rejection-meter go up. So, things were a little more complex than usual, and my reactions were not simply to what was actually happening, but colored by other emotions/baggage.)

I didn’t get it. I didn’t hear from him at all, in fact.  And as the day wore on, and I still never heard from him, things began to get ugly in my head. I was convinced he didn’t care, or worse, was oblivious, or perhaps even punishing me. The silent treatment = withdrawal of love to me, something that I recognize is not reality, but a product of my own baggage.  My stepfather punished me with silence, with ignoring me, with withdrawing his love.  My ex punished me by first badgering me, and then by silence.  So it has heavy emotional triggers for me.  I read it as rejection.  And we all know how I react to rejection (badly.)  And so, instead of simply writing to him, I wrapped myself in my wounded pride and didn’t communicate either.  And that led to a day of misery and sadness for us both.

Suckage.

We did end up communicating, finally, at about 3am, when I couldn’t sleep and finally emailed him about how upset I was.  And we learned that, for us (as he said), “Silence isn’t golden.”

It’s all a learning process. Learning ways to communicate effectively is probably at the very top of an poly person’s “to do” list.  And even after two years, we are still learning.


In case anyone was worried…

August 16, 2010

Re: my post from Thursday.  Apparently, W does still want to hurt me (I have the marks to prove it!)

And do some very, very perverted things to me.

I am a very happy Jade.


August 12, 2010

I love making my Owner happy.

That sounds so trite (don’t we all want to make our SO’s happy?) and yet, it is so much more than that. It touches so deeply inside, in parts of me that I recognize are both the submissive and the child: desperate for approval, desperate to please.  And yet it feels good. So damn good. I know at times like this, when I feel this glowing contentment, that there is little he could ask for that I would not do for him, and I understand other submissives when they say, “I’d do anything for him/her.”

I wonder, knowing that it is this feeling I crave, this deep satisfaction and pleasure at doing something–even and sometimes especially something I don’t want to do–if it is, ultimately, a selfish act. Am I pleasing him only to please myself?  This is, of course, the altruism argument. Is it truly altruism if you are gaining gratification from doing it?  In the end though, as with altruism as well, I don’t know that it matters. What matters is the end result, and the end result is me, sitting here, ridiculously happy at the thought of pleasing him, deliberately doing things that I don’t necessarily want to do because I know it will please him, and anticipating the pay-off in the end, when he holds me, and tells me he loves me, and that I did well, and that I have pleased him like no other.  When he validates me.

Sometimes I wonder at this compulsion to please. It has always been such a deep part of my makeup, even from my earliest, childhood memories, so much so that at times it was almost crippling, and certainly informed many of the decisions I made and my feelings of self-worth.  Can it be a healthy thing, to build a relationship predicated on that? And yet, so much of BDSM relationship is about finding that other-person-shaped key that fits into your lock, that Other that allows us to explore in healthy, non-judgmental, safe ways, these needs that we might otherwise act out on in unhealthy ways.  And because I have found a relationship in which those needs are rewarded, I can feed them in a healthy way, without tearing myself apart or beating myself up when I don’t meet some arbitrary self-imposed expectation.

And hmm, perhaps that is why a punishment dynamic is so incredibly uncomfortable/unhealthy for me.


I had an interesting realization today. W and I haven’t had a really intense scene in awhile. And by intense, I mean of the brutal variety. We’ve had lots and lots of hot, nasty, yummy, incredible sex (and some that has even made me feel beat up!); we’ve played a bit with him using me as a live model for some toys he is making; and we’ve had some fun and/or painful but somewhat lower-key type of scenes, but not the impact-play, beating type scene I’ve been jonesing for. We’ve had some opportunities for it to happen, but, for one reason or another, it just hasn’t.  And, honestly…I’ve been wondering why not. And…hamster-head that I am…I start to think maybe it’s because he just doesn’t want to do that to me anymore. Maybe we are too close, maybe he doesn’t feel that way about me, maybe he doesn’t see me as a girl he wants to beat up, to hurt, anymore.  Maybe loving me makes him not want to hurt me.

Or maybe he is bored with me. Maybe he doesn’t really have that deep a desire for corporal play, for impact play, that I do. Maybe he played that way before because he knew I liked it, but it really isn’t something that trips his trigger.  Or maybe he just doesn’t want to do that with me anymore.

So many possibilities.  All ones that kill me to think about.

But. And here’s the big “but” and the realization that I had as I thought about our conversation this morning, when I asked him, point blank, if those things were the case (he said no, it’s just been more an energies kind of thing.)  But if any of those were the case…it wouldn’t change one iota of how I feel about him or our relationship.  It wouldn’t kill me (well unless it meant he just didn’t want me anymore at all.)  It wouldn’t matter how our relationship changed…I would accept it and still want it, no matter what it looked like.  I love him.  Yes, I want him to do all those things to me–him, not some anonymous Top–but if he didn’t want to, I would still love our relationship and all the things we do do.  Because there is so much more in our repertoire than just vicious impact play.  Yes, if I had to have a beating once in awhile, I could get it elsewhere, and probably would. But I certainly can’t get all of the amazing other things I get from him, from what we do, from who we are together, anywhere else.  And I don’t want to.


Logic or emotion-does it have to be either/or?

July 24, 2010

A friend of mine is in the throes of a relationship roller coaster.  Up, down, on, off…her days and nights filled with drama and heartache and “Will it work?” “Do I want it to work?” and it is just wearing her down and wearing her out. I feel for her, deeply, but another part of me goes…

“Why?”

Why do this? Why put yourself through it?  If you’ve broken up over and over, if every third week there is upheaval, and that upheaval is enough to cause you to question if you should be in the relationship…you shouldn’t be.  Walk away.

Seems pretty simple to me.

I lived in a relationship like that. My first marriage was a roller coaster. Oh yeah, there were intense highs. But you know what? The crash to the bottom was not worth it. No, I don’t want a relationship with no highs or lows, with no passion or flavor, but it doesn’t have to be like that. When it gets to be like that, I think it’s like that because you are both trying too hard to make something work that just isn’t meant to.  And when the “something” is basic differences in life philosophy, in what you want/need in relationship, well…it’s pretty obvious to me that the relationship, no matter how many good things it has in it, is doomed. Beating yourself into it isn’t going to change that.

Yes, he may be wonderful in all these different ways.  Yes, she may make you sooo happy when things are good. But obviously he isn’t wonderful in other ways, and if those ways are big enough, they may overshadow the ways he is wonderful.  And obviously she is making you sooo sad in other ways. Is the good really worth the bad?

You have to do some cost-benefit analysis here.  Is the good worth the bad?  Are the down days more frequent than the up? When my 2nd marriage was coming to end, after 18 good years together,  I literally did a pro/con list, with weighted values, and started keeping a diary of good/bad days to ascertain if there truly WAS more bad than good.  I needed to know that it wasn’t just emotions that were speaking for me, because those change. I’m happy when things are going well, I am sad when they are not. How could I rely on them to give me a true picture?

My friends thought I was cold-hearted for doing that. Love is an emotion, they said, you can’t logic it!

But you know what? When it’s your life, when it affects your every waking moment and much of your sleeping, a little logic is in order. “Think with your heart!” a friend said. And I do–I love my men passionately, I live passionately, I do not think I feel any less for them for having made sound choices–with my head–about being with them.  But as happy as I am, as happy as they make me and as much as I love them, if every other day was filled with heartache and questioning whether or not it was worth it–my head would tell me it was time to give it up.  Yes, it would hurt, but hearts heal, and they love again.

Maybe I am cold-hearted. I don’t know. But I do know that I am happier, more centered, more secure and stable than I have ever been in my life, because I have made logical decisions about my life.  I have made choices about how I want to live, rather than just letting life–and my emotions–push me one way or another.

I was very happy in my relationship in my second marriage. Our relationship was a good one, our marriage was a healthy one. But I wasn’t happy in my life. I wasn’t being true to me, to who I was.  I had to give up that relationship to do so, and that was terrifying. I didn’t know if I would find someone else with whom I could be happy in a relationship with like I was with him. But I needed happiness in myself, first, before anything…because bottom line was that if I wasn’t, eventually that unhappiness would poison our relationship.  So yes, I made a decision based in logic, not emotion.  And though it hurt, it was the right decision.  Having made a logical decision did not preclude me from loving, from feeling, from experiencing all the emotion that love brings.  I never stopped loving others. Just because I was logical about it didn’t mean I didn’t have emotions. In fact I never stopped loving my ex, and continue to do so to this day. I just knew that being with him wasn’t right for either of us, and though it hurt, breaking up was the right thing to do.

I hope that my friend makes the right decision for herself, no matter what that is. I can’t say for her what that decision should be, although, from the outside looking in, it sure seems obvious. But then again, no one knows what goes on inside a relationship other than those in it, and we only even see the side that others show us.  And too, some people need to live with their hearts, need to follow their emotions, for good or bad. And maybe this will all work itself out because she is willing to stick it out, and in the end, love will prevail.  I don’t know, I can’t say. But it sure makes me sad to see her struggling so.


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