I am headed out to the wilds of near-KC to visit my gf this weekend. She lives 3.5 hours away and my daughter will be doing some of the driving, giving me (hopefully) a chance to get some writing done. I am excited to be going to her home; while she has been down here several times to visit, and Ad has been to visit her, I have never seen her home. So now it’s my turn! I’m eager to get a peak into where this woman who has come into my life so unexpectedly and become such a large part of it, lives. We’ll have all the kids and are planning a weekend of hanging out, painting toenails, watching movies, maybe getting some pool time, and just general girl-time. Plus (yay) girlie snuggles in bed!!
As I mentioned earlier, I didn’t intend to fall in love with J. In fact, I didn’t intend to seduce her or even expect to have a chance to. We met at a BDSM event, both of us demo-bottoming for the same seminar, and although I felt an instant connection with her, her profile read “straight,” and I respected that. I tend to be very careful around straight women. As an openly bisexual woman, my friendliness, flirtatiousness and the fact that I am a very hands-on, warm, touching person, can be misread, and the last thing I want to do is to make anyone uncomfortable.
But I couldn’t deny my attraction to her. I mean, she is seriously hot physically, but there is also a vulnerability beneath her tough-girl exterior that affected me. I wanted to get to know her, to befriend her. I wanted to show her good things and good people; I wanted to love her, even if it was not reciprocated in a physical way. I wanted her to feel loved, not because of what she is (hot sexy chick) but because of who she is–a human being deserving of love. The fact that I lusted after her not-withstanding.
So I brought her down and introduced her to my guys. If I couldn’t have wild hot monkey love with her, well, they could, and maybe I’d get some vicarious yumminess from it too.
Okay okay, it wasn’t just the wild sex I wanted her to have with them. My guys are two of the good ones, you know, the ones you hear about, the ones women always say, “why are all the good ones taken?” about. And…I wanted her to get to know them. I wanted them to show her what good people are like, what good men are like. Cuz honey, she’d had her share of the other type. And (beauty of poly) they aren’t “taken”…
Amazingly…it all worked out. Better than I ever could have expected or hoped for.
They dug her, and she them, and in one of the most exquisitely sexy moments I’ve ever had, I got to vicariously enjoy them enjoying her, while I laid on the couch in the other room and brought myself to orgasm. Sweet.
And later…after having slept next to her warm sweet body all night, I had to confess to my not-so-virtuous feelings about her, because, again, I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. I assured her that though I found her wildly attractive, I wasn’t going to violate the “straight girl” rule, and that although I flirted and teased and hugged on her, I would never take it farther than that–if she didn’t want me to. And that right there was me putting myself out there to a straight girl, something I never do, because it sucks sucks sucks to be rejected. But I had to take that little bit of risk…I knew if I didn’t I would regret it. And…I have made it my life’s mission to live my life, to take risks for love and joy and fulfillment that I didn’t for so long. I am not going to be 70 and look back on my life and say, “why didn’t I?”
And…she responded positively. Nope, she wasn’t suddenly bisexual, but she had feelings for me as well, physical ones as well as emotional. And…she had an open enough heart to be willing to explore those feelings, to allow what we felt for each other space to grow in its own way, if it would.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
It hasn’t always been an easy road. I have my moments of insecurity, of “what about me??” My guys are not immune to “shiny new toy” syndrome, and she is a force of nature. Sometimes, yeah, I feel like the wallflower I used to be in high school when she’s here. Like, “Hey! Notice me!” (And not just as an afterthought!) She craves and draws a lot of attention, and because she is one of those women that just naturally draws every male’s attention, she gets it. (Hell her first time out with HNT and she’s drawn more comments than I’ve ever gotten AND made a “Friday Favorites” list already!) She also tends to be voracious sexually…I love sex, but not like she does. It can be…intimidating. And again, can leave me on the side watching as the guys do her for hours. Which is not always bad, but sometimes…well, it makes me feel like, seriously? Again? But of course that is the beauty of multiple sexual partners as well, I don’t have to fuck for four hours straight, and they can tag team. lol W’s theory that women need more than one man is borne out there. So it all works out. ;-)
But yeah, sometimes it’s hard for me, and there are times I feel overshadowed. But those things are all about my own insecurities, which are there whether it’s some baby bottom W is playing with or Ad falling in love. And overcoming them makes me stronger. And what I get back from loving this wonderful woman, from having these amazing lovers in my life is worth working through the insecurities. The love and attention and affection and joy and laughter…the strength and sense of belonging…it’s all worth it.