Undulations

I took my first belly dance class last night, and we practiced undulations.

I love that word: undulation. Sensual and exotic, mysterious…something deep and half-hidden beneath the surface, rising and falling with the music and the moon and the heat and the desire.belly_dance

Oh wait, I was talking about belly dancing in a room full of strangers.  No moon or heat or desire.  Except maybe my own. My desire to be able to move that way, slowly, gracefully, owning my body, loving it, displaying it.

I didn’t love my body a lot last night. The class was hard! And I felt sooo incapable, so not “getting it.”  But then I looked around…and most of the other women were like me. Learning, struggling, trying…failing a lot, but enjoying themselves. And I realized, maybe, I could enjoy it even if I didn’t get it.  Even if I wasn’t good at it.

Plus, it’s damn good exercise and it was fun to be doing something new.

I am as varied, and have as much of a need for that variety, in the rest of my life as I am in my love life. I’m not going to pretend that poly isn’t about my need for new experiences, for variety. Oh I know that “twue polyfolk” would probably castigate me for admitting such: “It’s about the LOVE!” And it is.  But it’s also about me knowing myself well enough, and being comfortable enough with myself, to admit that it is also about variety…about getting bored easily….about needing change and  stimulation. For me, anyway.  And, I will venture to say, for a lot of others.

That differs from the thrill-seeking of a “player” that lives for the next conquest, or someone that thrives on the rush of NRE, though. Not that those are bad things, in and of themselves, but that’s not what it’s about in this instance. It’s about learning someone new, of finding out things about myself and that other, of seeing things in a new way or learning about things I had never considered before. Not just the quick visceral satisfaction of the hunt and take-down, of the chase and eventual capture.  And not the wild highs and lows that encompass NRE. I want to know my lovers well enough to be able to crawl inside their heads, to experience the world through them. And I despise NRE…all those anxious, insecure feelings?  Ugh.  You can keep them. But there is an excitement in the adventure of someone new, and I am not going to pretend that that’s not there for me.

Excitement…adventure…undulations.

My relationship with The Girl is undulating. There is movement there, beneath the surface, as we negotiate our way through the tricky waters of what this relationship is and what it might become. We sway, forward and back, our bodies and minds in rhythm…before breaking off to spin to our own music…and return again, rhythm restored. Undulating…discovering…uncovering the movements deep within.

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