Guilt

I am feeling out of sorts and anxious today. Was yesterday too, as a matter of fact.  Like life and events and stuff is getting ahead of me, about to overwhelm me; the fact is that nothing’s different than before. This happens sometimes, I just have to ride it out.

Or hide out in my room and sleep til it goes away, remove myself from life for awhile until I feel like re-emerging.

In the past this has not been such a good option. My various lovers, play partners, friends & family sort of object when I disappear that way.

I thought it might be subdrop, but it’s lasted too long for that. It can’t be the seasonal thing, a) we’re still in high light, and b) I’m using my Happy Light as prescribed. I don’t know what it is. Everything in my life is going wonderfully, just as it was three days ago, a week ago, a month ago. I just feel…overwhelmed. By people. By life. By everything. And then I do stupid things and get mad at myself.

Such as: yesterday, instead of settling in to work, I fucked around on the net. I’ve been doing that too much lately. My focus has been on this other stuff (blogging, writing, kink, emailing, IMing) when it should be on work. I have GOT to refocus there. (sigh)

Solution: Leave the laptop at home. Work from my desktop so I am only doing WORK.

Such as: I have ten bazillion people wanting my attention, and I am not giving any of them enough. And at the moment it feels like so many fingers pulling at my skirt, needing needing wanting my attention… The thing is, I like some of these people I correspond with. I don’t want to give that up. But I am not giving anyone enough attention because I feel stretched in twelve different directions. I feel unorganized and chaotic and unfair to people that matter to me, and to those that don’t so much, but expect me to at least respond.

Solution: Make a list. Make priorities. Do I really need to talk to that new guy from Fetlife? Where are my priorities? What about my family, my good friends, my SO’s, as opposed to possible “new” friends. They may intrigue me, but I don’t need any of them, do I.  Cut back, cut down on the surplus in order to focus on those that I should be, so that I don’t shut everyone out and shut down.

Such as: My math class is coming to an end, but I haven’t focused on it this week at all. Have been too…spastic to settle down and do the work or study or make ready for my final Thursday.  I have a test tonight that I haven’t done any of the homework for. And I am really pissed at myself for not doing it. Last night I got home after work and fell into bed because I just wanted to shut down, shut off my head, shut out the world. Not. Good.

Solution: Math at lunch. Math tomorrow night. FOCUS.

Such as: I wanted to run after class last night, but my body hurt too much from the weekend’s activities and I hadn’t eaten all day, so I had no energy. It was hard to stop from castigating myself for not running because my body aches;  like, I shouldn’t let that be an excuse since I did it to myself, I asked for it, I wanted it. It’s all true, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t give myself a break, that I can’t give myself a break. You get beat up, whether it’s consensual or not, and you have to let your body heal.

Solution: Eat during the day when I am going to run. Treat myself with kindness, as I would anyone else. Let myself need time to heal, don’t get down on myself because I need it.

I don’t know if canceling belly dancing would be a positive or not tonight. Would it be hiding, or listening to myself needing not to do stuff in a healthy way, prioritizing? Since I am supposed to be going with my daughter, I feel especially bad about possibly canceling, because she should be a priority, but as evidenced by me going out the other night to meet W when she was here, and then going out Saturday again while she was here, obviously she is not. Even tho she is 17 and has her own things to do.

Ewww…there it is, isn’t it? I feel guilty for doing my own things this past weekend, while she was here. Especially when those things were kink.  I should have been sitting home with her, right? Or should I? I just don’t know. Or maybe I do. I just want what I want and get so fucking selfish at times. Is it selfish to live my life? Where’s the balance?

That’s what I feel right now.  Out of balance. Out of whack. I need to find my balance again. Prioritize.

Sigh.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: