Fuzzy Saturday

It feels like it should be Sunday evening to me, and I keep thinking that I have to go to work tomorrow.  It’s these summer hours at work. Getting off at 11:30 on Fridays is terrific, but it does mess with the schedule in my head. I’m glad I have tomorrow though to clean house and normalize–stayed out til 3am with W last night and then woke, early, with his hands on me…tried to nap later, but that of course leads to not-napping…not that I am complaining. At all.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t get enough of him and I just want to sink down into those spaces with him for days, only lifting myself out of them long enough to eat and bathe, and even more occasionally, sleep. And today was a perfect example of that.  But when I come back to the real world I feel like I am in a fog, and struggle to function again, to focus, to be in the here.

“Here” is sitting at the table with my laptop trying to write and not succeeding, glancing idly thru blogs and not really taking anything in, feeling restless and overtired at the same time. Sleep, maybe, then a run in the AM to clear my brain. Then housecleaning and hopefully some pool time and catching up with the GirlChild. The Boy came home with his dad a day early (they’ve been vacationing) and called me first thing to see if I could pick him up. That was sweet, I have missed him. But I had had other plans, possibly involving both my guys, for my night tonight.  Still, if that had happened I would have had another unproductive weekend, so, maybe it was for the best. I get the kids the rest of this week, til they start school on Thursday, and then I start school myself on the 24th. I called UMSL Friday to see about possibly enrolling in the spring…can I/do I want to go back to school for real? I don’t know.

I think I am having some issues with my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder.) I’ve had it under control for about a year now with the use of my HappyLight (full spectrum light therapy), after having gone off a three-year stint on anti-depressants rather determinedly (and abruptly.) I’ve sworn to the efficacy of my HappyLight, and have never felt better, especially as it has been drug-free. But in the past month or so I have felt bouts of unprovoked anxiety and the edges of depression creeping around me. It’s a very familiar enough sensation, having fought it off and on most of my adult life. It’s disturbing that it’s returning, and unfortunately becomes one of those goddamned spiral things: I worry about it, so I get anxious and depressed that it’s coming back. What I can’t figure is why my HappyLight would suddenly not be working, unless it has been a placebo affect all along, but a year of feeling even seems an awful long time for a placebo to work.  But hell, what do I know? I am just very, very reluctant to go back on meds.  On the other hand, they were all that brought me out of it last time.  Sigh.

Here’s a funny thing: the gf told me she had a UTI and an ear infection. Next day, I came down with a UTI. This morning I woke up with an earache.  Is it possible to be synchronized from four hours away?? I just hope this is a sympathy earache and not the real thing.

Okay, sleepy time for me. G’night world.


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