I ran after work today, a good, long run, and hard, too, turning off my usual path to one that led back into the park and then up several flights of steps and across two or three pretty bridges. It’s a path I’ll integrate into my regular route now, but originally I just took it because I still had not outrun all the shit in my head from when I started. I was irritated and disappointed when I started out, and at first I thought of going straight home, but I didn’t want to lay it all on Ad, and I realized running might take the edge off. And it did. I outran most of the negative feelings.
Ad says he notices a difference in me in general when I run, as opposed to days I don’t. Again, I didn’t want to explain to him that I had deliberately run to alleviate negative feelings today, since I don’t think he deserves to have it all thrown at him and he would certainly have wanted me to explain what I meant, but he is right: I feel more even when I run, more balanced, emotionally and physically. By the time I got home I realized that in the larger scheme of things, this really wasn’t important, and was able to let it go. And I think running facilitated that.
And, if there are any residual feelings leftover tomorrow, I have found a way to be able to spill it all out (vomit it up, as I call it) without causing undo drama–I’ll password protect it so that only those I want to see it can. There is a larger point to being able to do this too, that has to do with the intersection of real life and my blogs, and being able to use this space not only to speak to the amorphous “audience” out there, but also as I had always used blogging in the past-as a way to write through my feelings, to sort myself out. I used to have a strict “no filter, no self-censorship” policy, but that’s hard to maintain when people who are involved, or people you know, read it. Self-censoring is inevitable, I fear. But this way, at least, I’ll have a safe way to spew if I need to. A bit of a cop out, perhaps, but an acceptable one, given the alternative.
Okay, I’m off to bed now. Nite all!