It’s Official

Ad’s taken the new job. He’ll be a M-F 9-5 kinda guy now, with weekends off and regular hours and things like vacation time and holidays off. He’ll be working a job where he’ll be using his mind, and where they appreciate his thoughts and ideas and skills. I’m so very happy for him.

He’s worked his other job for more than 15 years, because it is a job, it paid well for what it was, and it served its purpose. But it was soul-deadening and mind-numbing.  That was why I encouraged him to get his massage certification. I wanted him to know that he could do something else, something that had power and meaning and that brought good to him and to others. And it did. He has changed so much in the past 18 months in ways that are both large and subtle.  It’s been a joy to see, to watch him coming into himself, to see him taking an interest in life again, growing more confident.  Blossoming, to use a cliched word.  And besides, I get great massages as a side benefit.  If I can pin him down to give me one. ;-)

You’d have to know how he is with the people he loves, with people in general, what a huge, loyal heart and what a giving nature he has to know just how much he deserves this little bit of good.  He’s been kicked around a bit, has my Ad, and yet he has never grown bitter, never grown cynical or angry.  That thing about karma? Yeah, that’s how it works. You send out good into the world, and good comes back to you. Maybe not when you decide it’s time, maybe not in the way that you choose it, but it works. It happens.  And Ad deserves this chance at something better more than anybody I know.

In other news, I just got a text from my Sis, whose birthday is today. I asked her about plans for this weekend, as she had mentioned doing something tomorrow for it. She just texted me: “Decided to stay home and put in the new stove we just bought.” Kinda irritated about that, since I made plans (or didn’t make them) based on her earlier desire to do something for her birthday.  Oh well.

But also, it gave me a weird feeling when I read that Sis & her husb bought a new stove. Such a “normal” thing to do, such a domestic, married-with-children-two-cars-and-a-mortgage thing to do. And it felt totally alien to me, something so out of touch with my life and where I live, that for a moment it was if I was reading it in a book, about some fictional 50’s housewife.

I was there, six or seven years ago. I lived that life, quietly and desperately.

Don’t get me wrong. It isn’t a bad place to be, isn’t a bad thing to want.  But it wasn’t me. It was the Stepford me, it was me trying to be something I wasn’t, trying to fit in to a world that frankly was an strange and incomprehensible to me as if it had been an alien world in a sci-fi novel. My ex Dragon-in-Law, that venerable and evil old woman, was right the first time she met me when she said: “You will never fit in here.  Stop fooling yourself and go back to where you came from.”  But oh, how I wanted to fit in! How I wanted to just be “normal” for once in my life. Not this crazy left-of-center knock-about girl that I was.

So I tried. For 17 or 18 years, until I realized that I had the power to make my life what I wanted.  That I didn’t have to fit into someone else’s world.

That I could make my life a reflection of me, not the other way around.

That isn’t to say there is no mundanity in my life. Sometimes, the sex and BDSM and fun takes a backseat to other stuff.  There is housecleaning to do, errands to run, a house to work on and a dog to walk. There are school events for my kids and work events and niceties I must observe in my world when I just want to say, “Do you even REALIZE how small and petty and asinine and stupid this is??”  But it is my life, and I live it as I choose, on my terms. Sometimes I just choose to, you know, go grocery shopping and stuff.

With that in mind, here’s my weekend to-do list:

  1. Ironing
  2. Clean house (clean bathroom, bedroom, fold laundry, dust)
  3. Revise short story
  4. Finish WotW piece/poly piece
  5. Put away summer clothes & bring over fall/winter clothes

Mundane things, all.  And that’s okay.


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