So I’m writing a new article for Eden Cafe on (surprise surprise) poly. Not surprisingly, although I discuss events unrelated to my earlier post on the sometimes uncomfortable incongruity between what I want to talk about vs what I can talk about to my family, the essay touches on that very topic. How do we mesh living poly in a mono world? In our desire to be “out,” to be open and honest about our lives, in our lives, do we have an obligation to be careful of others’ sensibilities, those around us that may not be aware of, or condone, our lifestyle choices?
This question gets asked a lot in BDSM circles. How much can a lifestyle BDSM person or couple be “out” in the vanilla world? In my life, since BDSM is much more about my sexuality, as opposed to a lifestyle choice, this isn’t an issue. But for people that choose to live D/s as a lifestyle, for those that say that “it’s not about sex, it’s a way of life,” well then I think it very well could be as much of an issue as any other non-conforming lifestyle choice.
Poly, on the other hand, is the way I live my life. I want to be able to talk openly to my parents & my coworkers about the two men in my life. I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about simply being able to say, “W and Ad and I are going out for my birthday tonight.” Or to have an invitation to a wedding be for all three of us. Or to hear my mother ask how all three of us are, rather than just Ad and I. Or to be able to talk about going away for the weekend with W, without having to make up a story. “What’d you do this weekend?” would be so much easier to answer in our Monday morning marketing meeting if I didn’t have to carefully avoid any mention of my OSO (or any other person I may have been out with that weekend.) I really would like to be out at work. It’s just so tiring not to be.
On a related note, in our Monday meeting yesterday we were all talking about our upcoming weekend, or rather, they were talking about it. Three of us will be out this Friday and they were discussing what they were going to be doing. I was keeping quiet, especially when I found out that my boss will be in Chicago–where I will be. But I am going to Kinky Kollege, a kink convention, and she will be there with her best friend and their husbands having a couples’ weekend away. Didn’t really feel like trying to sidestep the “what are you going to be doing/where you going to be staying?” questions.
But of course they finally turned to me.
“So what are you doing this weekend?”
“Oh, uh, well, I’ll be in Chicago too,” I said. I probably should have made something up, but I’m lousy at that, so I just told the truth. But I played dumb when they asked where I will be staying, what we’re doing: “Oh, Ad’s got it all planned, I have no idea what we’re doing, where we’re staying! It’s all his idea…”
“We should meet up for drinks!” my boss says. And I think, shit, I hope they won’t be staying at the same hotel by some strange coincidence–I do NOT want to meet up accidentally, even if I am wearing street clothes going in and out of the hotel. I am sure my head will NOT be where it should be to have a “normal” conversation with ultra-straight boss. Turns out they are not, thank goodness. She told me to text her when we get settled in though. I plan to tell her that Ad had every minute of my weekend planned. lol