Tonight was rough. I was sitting there in my car after math, when it hit me, what the date is.

Today is another part of the process, when a family member comes home and I have to face talking about it all again. I don’t know how to do that. How to say the words. How to face that once they are said, nothing will ever be the same again between us. There will be…this…between us.  Seeing my parents this weekend was hard too, because of what they don’t know, what I can’t say…all they know is what I have said: I won’t be around for the holidays. I am going away.

I just want to be on the other side. I want…release. To be released, to release this ball of pain inside.

It isn’t there all the time anymore–or maybe it is and I am just learning not to see it, not to hear it, not to feel it.  I don’t know.

I started out writing about the hook pull from this weekend. And I’ll finish that, because that was integral this, to getting through this. An amazing experience on so many levels.  But, right now…I just need to curl up with Ad and let the tears come.

So many fucking tears.  Won’t they ever stop?


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