This weekend, as anyone who has read here lately knows, I was in Chicago for a kink convention. I’ll be writing specific scene-related stuff later in PoJ, including the details of an incredible two-Top, rope & anal hook scene I had with a new scene friend & Ad, but I did want to share pieces of my experiences I had here that have more to do with my emotional & relational landscape.
As you might know, I went up to Chicago alone with Ad. Originally I had hoped that W would be able to come too, but due to him having a play partner in town over the weekend, he wasn’t available. We were both disappointed at first, but it ended up being a very good thing for Ad and I. And for W & I in a way, because in the days leading up to the event, I had that upheaval in my life, and in negotiating exactly how I was going to deal with that, and with other potential landmines that I might have encountered while there, he was able to solidify much of what our relationship is based on, while proving himself to be incredibly intuitive & caring. He helped get me into a good headspace for the weekend, and once there, Ad’s presence was more than enough to keep me there.
There were also other reasons why it was good for Ad and I to be there alone. Ad has not always felt comfortable in his role as a Top, or more specifically, as he says, he’s not always been sure what his role is. What he wants it to be. He’s still learning about himself, and he was nervous about going to a major event like this without some clear-cut understanding of himself in the lifestyle. It can be intimidating to be around all these really high-level players in the scene, especially when you don’t feel like your “type” fits into any clear-cut role. Now keep in mind that this is all in his head. I don’t think there’s any need to fit into anyone else’s preconceived notions of what kind of role he should be in. He just needs to be what he is, enjoy what he does, what we do, and not care about all that. But I have been in the scene a lot longer, and a lot deeper, than he has, so that’s easy for me to say, maybe. Bottom line though was that he was able to do that there, play and be himself and just enjoy our interactions, which was great for him. He also got to see a lot of people doing what we do in all kinds of different ways. Our local group seems to be heavily in the Master/slave, Dom/slave type dynamic, but there were all kinds at the event, not just “lifestylers.” It was refreshing for him to experience, and liberating too. We don’t all wear leather and collars and call ourselves Master and slave, or even submissive. Lots of us are just plain old kinky folk. So that was good for him.
There’s the reality, tho, that in going to an event with someone like me, who likes being out there in public, to be put on display, to be exhibited, well, that can be intimidating too to someone that doesn’t like the spotlight. He had some (understandable) reservations. How would we balance that? Would he measure up? Would he be able to do the things that he knows I like? These were all things he worried about, going in. And yes, I did too, a bit. But once we were there, and it was just he and I, communicating with each other, being ourselves, enjoying each other, it all just…worked.
There are lots of reasons for that. Even if W hadn’t specified to me that my job was to make sure Ad was happy, to make him feel like a million bucks, to make sure he was on top of the world, I would have done so anyway. I adore my partner, and know all his insecurities about that stuff are in his head and not reality, and I wanted to make him know that too. I want him to be happy. He wants me to be happy. For me, it was in letting go of my expectations, in focusing on his happiness, as opposed to my own, that we were freed to enjoy what we did have, what we are, what was there, and to expand on that. Because he feels the exact same way. And hey, isn’t that they way it is supposed to be? Love feeding on love. You put love out there, it comes back to you. One big circle, round and round.