So I made it to the Hook Pull. The dots on my chest are the holes the hooks left in my skin. The hole the piercing left in my heart, where they let out all that stuff I had inside, went much deeper.
As I said, everything that happened happened exactly the way the universe meant it to. There were three piercers, Fakir, a well-known piercer/body-modification guy called Elwood, and Ms. Cynthia. Originally I stood in Ms. Cynthia’s line, because it was shorter. I didn’t know her from Adam, so to speak, but I didn’t know Elwood either, though lots of folks seemed to. Then I decided, hey, Fakir is a celebrity here, I should totally get pierced by him! But he and Elwood were both a lot slower than Ms. Cynthia, and though I had moved into Fakir’s line, she got done and had no one to pierce. I glanced over; I looked away. I resisted going into her line, for some reason. But when I looked over at her again, she was looking right at me and smiled, and waved me over. It seemed inevitable.
I can’t adequately describe what happened when she pierced me. It was just incredible. Overwhelming. It was if she had literally pierced my heart, instead of just my heart chakra…the hook went into me and opened a hole in me out of which I could quite literally feel…something…something tangible…flow out. Like air going out of me, like poking a hole in a balloon and feeling the air go out. My breath left me in a whoosh…and then the tears came. They poured out of me, waterfalls of pain and misery pouring down my cheeks, emptying out all that had been balled up inside there, releasing so much that I had still held inside, as I had tried to protect myself these past weeks, to hold it in, to keep control. I fought those tears even then…and then she put her hands on either side of my face…and just…held me. So tenderly, with such incredible understanding and compassion.
“I know, I know,” she said. “It’s not physical pain, it’s that other pain, inside here, inside your heart,” she said, touching me lightly, just over my heart. “The piercing, it opens up your heart. It’s okay, you’re safe here. Let it out.” And I did. I cried, and she held me in front and Ad held me from behind and I cried, feeling the cleansing release of my tears. She was so incredibly kind and through her kindness I was able to let go, to allow the release to happen.
I can’t really describe the rest of what happened, either. As I moved to a pulling station, and then to a place where I could pull against Ad, I hovered in and out of trance, from a high-flying space where I floated in silvery, gentle silence to a deep, safe place deep inside myself, and back out again to connect, briefly, with Ad before soaring once more. It was a dreamlike state punctuated by moments back on earth, back with Ad, before I was off again on my own journey. At one point I distinctly remember feeling…encouraged…by the universe to give up what I couldn’t hold inside any longer, and knowing that the world was large enough and generous enough to take it all from me. And I let it flow, from my heart through the piercings, out through the ropes and out into the ether and away.
When I finally came back for good, I felt an enormous relief and release. I felt, if not completely freed from the pain of these last weeks, at least lighter, unburdened, and strong enough to go on again, to deal with this. Because it will never go completely away, I will never be without it, now. But I’m strong, and I have the love of the universe and Ad and W and so many others. I think I can make it now.
For more HNT joy, be sure to stop by Osbasso’s!