One of the seminal events of the weekend, and the first thing that drew Ad’s interest in going to KK, was the Energy Hook Pull. You can read more about this ritual, and the amazingly dynamic couple that lead us in the ritual, here. Briefly, it is the use of ritual piercings and pulling against those piercings in ritual sacred space to induce euphoric, transformative, and altered states of consciousness. S/M people are particularly suited, in general, to this type of activity, and Fakir Musafar has been holding these kind of rituals at BDSM events for a long time, as people seek to blend the altered states of S/M with that of sacred ritual. I am not personally very spiritual, I don’t believe in gods or goddesses, I’m not a Christian or a Pagan or a druid or a believer of any sort, but I have felt the energy that connects us all, as human beings, and I do believe that sometimes that energy moves us in mysterious ways. It certainly did with me Saturday afternoon at the hook pull.
As you know, I have been struggling with this thing that has happened in my life. It’s been…rough. And has shown me beauty as well, beauty in the kindness of friends, lovers & strangers. People I never expected to offer their love and assistance, an ear, a shoulder, a kind word, did so, without ever knowing or even asking to know about the particulars. I got emails from people I barely knew, kind words in my blog and in Twitter and IM, texts and phone calls. Such an outpouring of love and support that it has, truthfully, started to fill back in the awful hole in my heart.
I am, as someone integral to my experience at the hook pull said this weekend, pushing through to the other side.
But meanwhile I am still in this space, and when I got to the hook pull, although I tried to let go of my “intent” as Cleo DuBois said, and just let the ritual work through me as it would, I knew that it would come up as I went through it. And it did.
First let me say that my presence at all at KK was because of Ad. I saw the info on the event on Fetlife back in the early part of the summer, and since it was in Chicago, I emailed it to W to see if he might be interested. His reply was, of course, “too early to tell.” lol Later, I showed it to Ad, pointing out the energy hook pull, because it seemed like something he’d dig.
See, I wanted to go to an event with both my guys. The first time we had gone to an event together had not been as successful as I’d hoped, but that was due to other issues (illness, working thru group dynamics, etc.) This seemed like a great opportunity to do that. But I knew that Ad was not into big events, so showing him the energy pull info was sort of…massaging the situation a little. Show him something that he would be interested in, while giving him the security of having W there so he wouldn’t have to do public play if he didn’t feel comfortable with it. And he was all for it, as long as W was going too.
Well. It got closer and closer, and I couldn’t pin W down. I asked Ad if he’d go with me anyway. He was reluctant. Then W said he might go. Oh joy! For about a day I thought my plans were going to work out. Then W found out that a submissive he plays with had made plans for that weekend to come in to town. I was…a little miffed. It’s great being with someone that is so easy-going about plans that I can call him up (as I did today) and say, “Hey, can we have a party at your house this Friday?” and he says, “Sure!” It’s not so great when he lets someone else’s plans interfere with mine. Because HEY, it’s ALL ABOUT ME, right?? (Uh, no, Jade, it isn’t, as a matter of fact. Stop being a selfish cunt. NOW.) So anywaaaayyyy… I was crestfallen. I really didn’t think Ad would go. And, if he did…would I enjoy it? Could I let go of my expectations, of what “I want” (hear that selfish cunt’s voice again?) long enough to just enjoy??
There was another possibility though. A couple that I used to be collared to, and am still close with, and still play with occasionally, were attending the event. Maybe I could go with them…? There were…issues…with that possibility that I won’t go into here, but still I thought that might work out. Then, before I could really explore the possibility, I found out that they had invited J, my gf, who is also involved with them, to go. That created…other emotional issues for me. Feelings of being left out; my “place” being taken, although my place hadn’t been there in a long long time, and I was the one that had decided my place wasn’t there when we’d broken it off originally; feelings of being pushed aside on both sides of the equation. It’s hard to be the fifth wheel, the uninvited one, the one left aside, when one of your lovers takes up with another. But–that is part of what we do, part of growing and evolving, and part of why I do what I do–to push myself through those selfish feelings, to force myself to open my heart and let it be filled with my others’ joys, even when I am not involved. Compersion, anyone? But, as I have said in the past, it is not always an easy road to follow. I struggle with it. And I did, enough that it cast doubt on me wanting to go at all, even if Ad said yes.
And then Ad did say yes.
This is the “things happen for a reason” and “sometimes the universe knows what’s best for you” part.
This was all back at the end of summer. I didn’t know it, but all of the stuff that I learned about here only recently, was coming out right at that time. Only I wasn’t apprised of it yet. I’ll never know what inspired him to suddenly want to go, with or without W. I’ll never really know what inspired him to insist that we go. He knew all my reservations, my fears and anxieties and the issues I was dealing with over it all. He also knew that it would take him way outside his own comfort zone. But rather than just do what he is usually wont to do, he insisted that we go to it.
If I hadn’t gone, I wouldn’t have had to force myself through all those icky feelings. I wouldn’t have got to that place where I truly felt happiness for my gf that she had found what she was looking for in her relationship with the couple. I wouldn’t have come to an acceptance of my “place” being different than it was before, in both her and their lives. Because yanno, it is different–and that’s okay. We’re back to that, “It’s not all about me,” thing. A powerful, important fucking lesson to learn (and to keep learning, until I have internalized it.) I wouldn’t have gone there and had such an amazing, eye-and-heart-opening experience with Ad. I wouldn’t have seen him grow and seen myself grow with him, and wouldn’t have seen that my place truly is with him and W. That yes, there are others, but my heart is right where it should be, seated firmly between these two amazing, wonderful men that I have somehow been blessed enough to have in my life.
Part of that realization was in the fact that somehow W knew to send us (Ad & I) up there alone. He said last night that he would have done that anyway, regardless of if his sub friend hadn’t come in to town. He knew it was the right thing to do. Right for Ad, right for me, right for us all. How cool is that, that he doesn’t think with his dick? (I mean I love it when he does, too! lol) But so many times you hear about the big, strong, all-knowing Dom making all the decisions, decisions that are supposed to be for the good of all, only to realize that he is actually thinking with his small head instead of his big one half the time. W would have had a great time up there, especially meeting BB, someone that we both started talking with before I went up there. But he chose not to, because it was the right thing to do for Ad, for me, for all of us. And Ad chose to listen to his own intuition and take me there, regardless of any misgivings he might have had, because he knew it was right. As Ad said, it was the universe pushing me in the direction I needed to go.
And that is how I got be at the Energy Hook Pull Ritual.