I left my math class tonight knowing I had to make a choice: a social life or succeeding at this fucking math class. I can’t do both. Seriously can’t do both. And I have to succeed at this class.
So, I am going to buckle down and focus on math, and math alone.
Well, and running.
And okay, blogging too.
Oh, and writing erotica.
That’s not too much to do. Honest.
Math has to be my first priority though.
And I can’t stop running–it just feels good. And makes my head feel good. And makes me feel alive. And makes me happy with my physical self. The way learning something new makes me feel about my mental self. And writing makes me feel about my creative self. And hot sex and submission makes me feel about my sexual self. And loving with an open, giving heart makes me feel about my spiritual self.
I do need to do all those things to be whole and healthy. And fun is part of that–the fun of dates and sexy boys and girls and being desired and pleasing W–but I have to prioritize right now, and at the risk of being an unpopular girl, a social life is the thing I am willing to sacrifice just now. It’s at the bottom of the priority list.
So yeah, I needed to make a choice, and I choose MATH. (Wow, how fucked up is that?) Actually, what I choose is to succeed. To finish this well, not just halfheartedly and half-assedly. I chose this path in the first place, to take this class. No one twisted my arm to do so. And I am going to succeed at it, dammit.
But that means no more playing around until this class is over.
Of course I have Spanksgiving to attend on the weekend of the 20th. And I have my weekend away with Ad the following weekend. But I’m okay with that. I had already decided to take my writing with me to Hot Springs with Ad so I can finish a story for a Dec. 1 deadline. I’ll bring math too if I need to. Spanks may be a lost cause, math-wise, but that’s only two days, and if necessary, I’ll do math on Sunday. I can swing that. And I’ll need the time with W, since I won’t be getting much otherwise. A night here or there, maybe. Not this week, certainly. Maybe next week, after my exam and before I get any more homework. I’ll need that to balance out all the mental/math stuff.
Anyway. Once that decision was made I felt really good. And when I called W, and told him I was canceling my Thurs/Fri night dates and my social life to focus on math, and he said, “Great! I am so glad to hear that!” well, then I knew it was the right choice.
And that he was the right choice, too.
And when I called Ad and told him and he said, “Are you sure you want to give up your dates for math?” I knew I’d made the right choice in him, too.
See, W gets off on me being with others. But he cares enough about me, me as a person, to happily give that up if it is good for me. On the other hand, Ad doesn’t care about me being with others, and would be perfectly content if I dated just him and W. But he cares about me enough to know dating others makes me happy, so he wanted to be sure I would be happy with my choice not to date for awhile.
They’re both watching out for me, each in their own way.
Lucky girl, huh?
And now I’ve got math homework to do.