I recently read this in a post in a new blog that I have been following:
“I’ve been learning for a while not to sweat the small stuff, and I am getting much better at it but sometimes -just sometimes- I freak out anyway. What can I tell you, I’m a Virgo who needs order and balance for her world to feel right. I know I’m pretty stressed when I start tidying (incessantly). I mean, I’m super neat normally but when I’m feeling overwhelmed it just gets out of hand.”
Um, yeah. Me to a “T”. In fact, reading that made me recall a post that I had started and saved, but not posted, so I went and looked for it. I found that I had started talking about my organizing neurosis fetish, but ended up talking about something much different, and wonder for the life of me why I didn’t post it! I hate it when I start something and don’t finish it…um, wait, that’s pretty much the story of my life. lol Anyway, here it is, for your reading pleasure.
It always amuses/amazes me how much pleasure-real, true, pleasure-I get out of organizing myself, my space, my time, my thoughts. To-do lists abound in my homespace and workspace, dutifully created and prioritized, frequently consulted, continually revised as tasks are completed and new ones arise. I feel good when I can mark things off my list, but the true pleasure lies in being able to start my day, week or month with a plan in mind, a goal, some sense of purpose, even if I don’t get to every item on the list. Because it is in the organizing that I derive the joy, not just in the completion of tasks.
Maybe that is why I failed so utterly at being a “good submissive” when I was with a Dominant that required me to complete tasks at his order. I loved that he wanted to tell me what to do, I loved thinking about the fact that it got him off telling me what to do, and yes, it was cool to have his tasks to think about all day, keeping him in my mind…I just wasn’t so good at actually doing the things he wanted me to do when he wanted me to do them.
I had my own lists, my own stuff that needed doing, or that I’d rather be doing. I’d get around to his list, but it was usually in my own time, in my own way. Just as I do with my own lists. (I know, I know, obviously I missed the class on what “submitting” means.)
Oatmeal Girl and Discerning Dom both talk about this type of D/s in recent posts. DD calls it the “Micromanaging Dom,” and frankly, I’d have to agree with him in using that phrase. OG doesn’t like the phrase so much because of the negative connotations of the word, but still the sentiment–and for her the pleasure–in being managed this way is the same. And I have to admit, there is a definite thrill to getting that text, email or phone call in which I am told what to do, how to do it or what to wear, or that, for X,Y or Z length of time, I am to behave a certain way.
Just not all the time. Not as a way of living. As a way of getting me hot, yes. “Making me think with my cunt,” as W calls it. To get me revved up and anticipating.
Because honestly, I’m just too damn busy with my own shit to mess about with all kinds of rules, with having someone constantly poking at me, checking up that I did this or that, wanting me to report to him every step of the way. Perhaps this is an outcome of having multiple relationships: I don’t have the time to focus that specifically on one person’s wishes. Although seriously, even if I was a one-man or one-woman woman, there would always be other things in my life than that one other person anyway: children, work, school, friends, writing…I am never free of other obligations, other things that snag and divert my attention. And I’m just not that good at focusing on one thing. As OG says, though, for her, having these simple tasks forces her to focus, and that’s good. There are people for whom that kind of structure is a good thing, especially, perhaps, for those who have difficulty imposing that kind of structure on their own. And some people just like to have someone else structuring their lives for them. W told me the other day that he thinks I have more control and self-discipline than most people he knows, but the truth of the matter is, most times I feel like I am flying off at loose ends, just barely hanging on and keeping my head above water. That’s why this surface organizing that I do calms me, gives me the illusion of control when actually I know I don’t have any.
What would it be like to give that up to another? To shed the illusion of control completely and give it up to someone else? To simply do as I am told? I don’t think I’d be able to live up to it, to be honest. I don’t think I could live within that much control successfully. I’d fail him and myself. Now I only fail myself when I don’t live up to my expectations.
There’s another part of the micromanaging thing that tweaks me on another level as well (and I would probably get bitch-slapped if I was to say this in a room full of “true” submissives and slaves, but hey, this is my space, I can say what I like here.) It’s the part that sets the Dom up as the Lord & Master Supreme Know-It-All and the sub as the child, as one who “doesn’t know herself” or that needs direction and needs to consult with her Master for her every move, her every thought. I’m not a child, I can run my life very well and have been pretty successful thus far, without having to rely on someone else telling me what to do and how to do it.
Unless he is doing it to make himself hot. Then it’s okay, because what makes me hot is doing what turns me on…soooo…if he wanted to control what I ate, when I came, how often I ran or when I studied, slept, fucked & peed, well then…eh, maybe it’d be okay. Just don’t do it for me.
I’m kinda in one of those “I desperately need to organize myself” modes right now. I don’t know if it’s because I actually do need to get organized, because I have so many things to do/think about, or if it’s just generalized anxiety tweaking me. Either way, I don’t have any time in my schedule this weekend for organizing bookshelves, etc. Maybe having some of my control forcefully removed from me in the way of some play this weekend will soothe the savage organizing beast, eh?