I’m feeling the need to organize something. Anything. This is usually a result of unresolved anxieties or a jumbled emotional space, neither of which I believe I am experiencing.
I’m experiencing something though. At the moment I am experiencing the desire to crawl into bed and sleep for a week. Or the rest of the winter. Whichever.
Maybe it is the end-of-the-semester blues. Though that should have me jumping for joy. Maybe it is the back-from-vacation blues. That would be acceptable.
I’m having a little bit of difficulty adjusting to being back in the swing of things, actually. I know, I know, I was only gone four days. But being here, at work…bah. I am feeling slow and bored and disconnected. Worse, discontent. Though not sure what I am discontent with.
I’ve had a kind of peripheral issue going on at work that is poking at me. First of all, while there are many many good things about this job (good pay & benefits, steady work, hands-off boss, enjoyable, if unexciting, work, lenient time-off policy, good hours) I am beginning to feel less than enthusiastic about being here every day. It’s getting to my third-year anniversary, and frankly, about three years is my limit before I am ready to move on. Combine that with the fact that someone else in my very small department is very-probably going to be promoted into a position above me–and combine that with the fact that because I don’t have a university degree I know I wasn’t even considered for the position, and never would be–and yeah, I am having some negative emotions about it all, and some insecurity about my own position here.
The fact of the matter is that:
- I don’t want a VP/management position anyway
- I know I have been distracted and not performing up to (my own) standards, regardless of how everyone here feels
- I really don’t want more responsibility
- If I have to have someone else above me in the office hierarchy, then she would totally be my choice
- I like my “independence” here and that my job kind of puts me outside the usual corporate framework, even to the point that I am somewhat set apart from the rest of the staff, at least in their minds.
But I can’t help feel somewhat slighted, and as though my value is diminished and as though I will never be truly valued, unless I have some sort of degree. I am just a cog in the…wheel in the…spoke in the cog? Eh, whatever. (How can I be a fucking writer that doesn’t even know these stupid phrases???) And honestly? There is this abject part of me that wants to fit in, that wants to be one of the group, part of the team. Pitiful, I know. Disgusting, really. I don’t want to be one of them, and I’m simply not–my lifestyle choices really set me apart to start with, then add to that that I am the office web geek, and, well, I am my own little department, set apart from everyone else. But there’s this sad little girl inside, the one that was never asked to play on anyone’s team, who never got a Valentine’s Day card or got asked to a dance, who was never part of any crowd, that kind of wants to be.
Wow, pity-fucking-party here, eh?
It was those feelings that drove me to marry my ex, btw. He had this perfect Midwest family & life. I SO wanted to be a part of that. Perfect kids, perfect house, perfect marriage, perfect husband. But I never was perfect, I never did fit in, no matter how much I wanted to or he wanted me to. Realizing that–and realizing that it was okay not to fit in–was a first step to finding my own self-worth, to valuing who I am, what I have to offer the world and those around me. But sometimes…sometimes I just want to be picked, yanno? To be popular. To fit in.
Huh, I thought I’d got over that. Apparently not. Looks like I’ve got some more work to do on this fucked-up head.
Or maybe just a really long nap to take.
Edit: Because I refuse to give in to my own whiney-fucking-head I am going to organize myself thusly (and do the things that need doing in the process):
- Go to class
- Work out with Ad after class
- Look at my projects list
- Work on one writing project when I get home
- Work on one photo project
- Crochet before bed
Because if I don’t, if I let myself skip class and crawl into a bath and then into bed and wallow in my self-pity, I’ll feel even worse.