Once again, with discipline

W tells me I am one of the most self-disciplined people he knows. I feel like I am the least disciplined. I miss deadlines. I start and quit things all the time. I forget important dates and have to write lists just to remember to get my kids where they need to go when they need to be there–and still sometimes forget. I even keep lists of the people I am currently involved with, on whatever level (email, chat, 2nd date, fucking, want-to-fuck, W-wants-me-to-fuck?) so I don’t lose track.  I do go through high energy/activity periods, and I do have a high “intellectual metabolism,” which is a nice way of saying I have lots and lots of interests, which is also a nice way of saying I get both distracted & engrossed in new things–hobbies, thoughts, activities–easily.

Just as easily, though, I let myself get overwhelmed.  And then, when that happens, I shut down. I ignore everything in my mental to-do list, refuse to look at my written to-do list, and basically curl up in a mental ball and refuse to engage at all.

I’d like to find a happy medium. But that involves self-discipline. That involves making a priority list–and sticking to it.  When I do, I find that I accomplish an awful lot, and I feel powerful in my little world, in control. This weekend I almost achieved that lovely nirvana.  I actually accomplished a lot (paid bills, worked on a new PoJ header, did laundry, got clothes ready for this week, did homework reading, helped the GirlChild apply for financial aid for school, finished a blog post, took care of some email, got some crocheting done, finished a website for work), but there were so many things that didn’t get done.  A list would have helped.

Or maybe not.  Sometimes, I just don’t have the self-discipline to do the things on my list.  There are things that are important to me that aren’t getting done.  And dammit, I want to do them all!

How does one learn self-discipline?


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