I did an unusual thing today: I talked with W on the phone.
Actually it’s not that unusual anymore. He well knows my phone-aversion, and doesn’t seem to mind that I am just not a phone-girl, but it’s been awhile since I have been afraid to talk on the phone to him. In fact (can you keep a secret?) I kinda like it. I think about him a lot during the day, and miss him when I know I won’t get to see him later. Emails and the little back-and-forth pseudo-chatting we do on our favorite online/email game usually suffices, but other times…I want real contact. I want to hear his voice. I want to hear him laugh, or tease me, or just talk to me.
I love being the lover of two men. I love our arrangement–a couple nights a week at W’s, usually a weekend day and/or night as well, sometimes with Ad too so I get them both at once; the rest of the time at home with Ad. But sometimes…sometimes it just doesn’t feel like enough. I want them both, and I want them all the time.
I know this is being greedy. I remember J just shaking her head when I would bemoan missing one or the other of them: at least you have one, she’d say. And she is right, of course. But I can’t help what I feel. When I am with W, I miss Ad. When I am with Ad, I miss W. It’s not a searing painful kind of missing. It’s not, “my life will end if I don’t see the other one RIGHT NOW” kind of missing. It’s just…there. On simmer, in the back of my head, in the corner of my heart.
I used to play with not calling W when I felt this way. Calling Ad isn’t a problem. We talk to each other or text each other a couple times a day. But calling W was a treat or a trial. A trial because it was so hard to pick up the phone, a treat because I loved hearing his voice, sharing parts of my silly day with him. So sometimes, just to torture myself, I wouldn’t call him when I really, really wanted to.
I still don’t do it easily, but when I was taking that math class, I almost got into the habit of calling him after class once or twice a week. It was…fun. I looked forward to it.
Talking to him today was like that. Fun. It made the sting of missing him that I feel today less sharp. It makes having to go home to “only one” tonight okay. Tonight I will crawl into bed with Ad, and we will talk to each other about our days, and I will tell him I actually talked on the phone with W–willingly!–and he will laugh. And for a few minutes I will have them both.