The end of a day

And what a day it was.  We sent over 1400 climbers up 42 flights of stairs, raised over $300k, and managed a huge event with only a few mishaps.  In all I probably climbed and descended 80 floors of steps in 10-20 floor chunks, and then managed to be the sweep-the last climber-at the end, doing the entire 42 floor climb to release my volunteers from their posts in the stairwells.

I love my volunteers. They are amazing people–my own kids and Ad included, who volunteer all that long day every year at my side.  Anyone that gives their time the way my volunteers do, cheerfully, all day long on a gorgeous Saturday the way they did, deserves an award.  All I could give them was my sincerest gratitude, and a free beer ticket.

But it was a rough day. By default I somehow became the crisis manager, and so I heard about everything that was going wrong throughout the day. And there are always problems in an event like this, from fire alarms that inexplicably went off, to a water issue that we hadn’t counted on, to volunteers not showing up, to medical emergencies. For me the day was one crisis after another.  It was not until the day was over that I was able to take a step back and see that the event was wildly successful as a whole, and to hear some praise, even of my job, that is so invisible at times (as it should be.)

I’m tired now, and honestly, feeling very very low and close to tears, as I have been periodically throughout the day.  It’s just so so much to manage.  It doesn’t help that my back hurts, because, of course, climbing stairs isn’t good for it.

And I am struggling with being apart from W tonight.  He showed up at the event today.  An unexpected treat, to see him there. I am very proud of all that we do in this event, and to hear him praise it, to see what we have worked so hard to accomplish, meant more to me than he can know. I know that he values–and knows the value of– “work” as he has said, and I know that he realized all that it took to put that thing on.  And my role in it.  I love that he has seen my work, what I do, and values me for it.  That he is proud of my personal role in it.  But I’d like him here, now, to enjoy the end of this day with me, to rehash the event, to talk to. This is one of the challenges of being poly in this way.  I want to share everything, every part of my life with them both, but it’s just not possible.

I’m not sure why I have been feeling this so acutely lately.  But, as W said when I told him how I was feeling: “Don’t struggle.  Enjoy the end of your day.” And he is exactly right. I need to celebrate the wonderful things I do have, not bemoan the things I don’t.  Where’s that half-full Jade when I need her? Probably in a stairwell, exhausted.  Well, I’m off to find her, bring her home.  Bring her back to curl up with Ad on the couch. ;-)  Because that’s the wonderful thing about this kind of poly: Ad gets all this that I am feeling, and he will hold me tenderly and understand that this doesn’t mean I am loving him less. And for that, I love him even more.

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