It’s been a rough few days. I’ve put my guys through the wringer and myself on an emotional roller coaster. “We have to kill the hamster in your head,” W said, though what he actually said was the “squirrel” in my head, and “kill” might be my interpretation (and preference) and what he was referring to was the hamster Ad says runs around and around on its little wheel in my head when I can’t stop myself from thinking.
And seriously? I just want to stop right now, I don’t even want to write more about it now, because I’m just so fucking tired of feeling this way, out of control and anxious and unhappy! And writing about it makes me feel worse when I am really trying hard to remember everything W and talked about yesterday and not think about making him feel bad when it is all me and my fucking stupid head…
Oh fuck, there I go again, thinking about it. Please God, if you’re out there, can we just skip ahead to this time next week? Because I think I’ll be normal again by then, or at least not this fucking anxious crazy person that can’t stop herself from turning her insides out. It’s like picking at a scab, and I don’t even get that feeling of relief along with the pain when the scab finally pulls loose, revealing new, raw, skin beneath, or maybe just ripping yourself open and watching the blood seep up because you’ve picked it loose too soon.
~sigh~ I will get through this, I will be okay again, I will. But right now? Right now fucking sucks.