Processing

I am tired.

As evidenced by the timestamp on my post last night, I did not get to bed early, as I had wanted to, but at least when I did I fell into sleep easily.  Really, all the hullabaloo the past week was over and yesterday/last night was no big deal. In fact, I mostly feel a vague sense of embarrassment that I reacted so strongly and negatively.  But, they are my feelings and I have to own them, as uncomfortable as they might make me.  I do regret sharing those feelings with the world and W though. I don’t know why it bothers me so much for W to see me that way. Ad sees that in me, has seen my weaknesses, and I am okay with it. But W…he doesn’t nee to see it. As he has said, he likes strong, confident women.  That wasn’t me at my strongest or most confident.  The next time, I keep it to myself.

Sometimes though, when in the midst of that, I recognize this plurality of self, this disconnect between what I project and what lives, hidden, inside me. And I recognize the benefit–to me, if not to my unfortunate menfolk–in splitting myself open, in examining what it is that lives inside. I’m a better person for forcing myself to look at it, and maybe finding some peace with the demons that live within. Of that I am certain. Still, demon-slaying is nasty work, and work best done alone, lest I drag everyone else down into the demon’s lair with me.

On the positive side, it did cause me to be honest with W about something that has been an issue for me lately, so that can’t be all bad. And talking with him…damn, talking with him when I was feeling so crappy helped so much, even if it is tinged with guilt and embarrassment for even showing that side of myself.  And lest anyone think for a moment that my embarrassment has anything to do with W’s reaction to me baring my weaknesses, nothing could be further from the truth. He was and is kind, loving and supportive of me in all respects: the good, the bad, the weak, the strong. In fact he applauded my honesty, and exhorted me to share my feelings with him before they reach the epic “hamster on a wheel” stage that they did last week.  It’s me that feels…a little raw and exposed now.

I recognize in this also a…discomfort level with sharing the depth of my emotions. I have never felt myself to be the emotionally stoic individual, the pragmatic, unemotional logic-lover that we Virgoes  are supposed to be, but I recognize in myself a distaste for allowing myself to be overwhelmed by emotion. I love easily, and am demonstrative and open in that feeling, but I do not “fall in love” often, disliking the lack of emotional control that seems to be the hallmark of that state of being; my no-drama rule is probably, partly, a manifestation of my distaste of such flamboyant, self-indulgent emotional displays (the other part being a distaste for people that put themselves into an emotional state either artificially or deliberately, by making poor choices.)  This may be rooted in family dynamics: my family members have always been highly emotional, and huge dramas and emotional outbursts were common–and uncomfortable–to me; as a middle child I was constantly trying to mediate such things.

Anyway, enough processing for one day/week/month/lifetime. I’m off to get some real work done.

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