I had a rough ending to a pretty good day. A damn good day, and week, actually, as W pointed out to me. Yeah, there was that rejection business at the beginning of things, and some oh-my-fucking-god-I-am-so-overwhelmed-I-can’t-stand-it bullshit in the middle, but on the whole? Lots of good stuff.
The main good stuff is that my class is over, and I got an A on my final presentation, and got many pats on the back for being a good student and writer from the instructor, so that was nice. I don’t know what I got on my final paper, but he seemed to think that I didn’t need to worry about it–that regardless of my last paper, I have an A in the class. Which is probably true…except, well, he hasn’t read my last paper. I wrote a good paper, but it wasn’t exactly written to the assignment.
And, I outed myself.
I’m not sure why I felt the compulsion to do so, perhaps because I know for a fact that he (and everyone in that class) saw me as one thing, and…I wanted to disrupt that version of who he thought I was, based on how I look, how I write, how I speak. I bit my tongue so often while they all talked about gender and race and sexuality, bit back the way I see life, the way I live, that I couldn’t bite my tongue anymore. Or rather I could bite my tongue, but I couldn’t shut my fingers up.
For the record, I think my paper was very well-written. Whether he will give me the A is to be determined. It was a risk I was willing to take.
I also had some good stuff go on at work. I am getting more comfortable making decisions about our website and the direction we want to take in regards to social media, in no small part thanks to bending W’s ear many times about it. He consistently encourages me to just do it, make the decisions, and not let me natural reluctance for taking a leadership role inhibit me. It’s not like we’re talking saving someone’s life. And he’s right. I am as capable (and perhaps more so) of making these decisions as anyone else in my organization. In fact, I may be the only one that IS capable of making some of them, as I am the one that deals daily with the issues involved. But of course it isn’t someone else dying that I am worried about if I make a wrong decision. It’s me. It’s making a mistake that paralyzes me. But, slowly, I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Let’s hope that the first time I make a serious blunder I don’t run scurrying back to my hole to hide forever.
Also, via the strangeness that is Facebook, I ran into a dear friend of mine again. She is the first woman I ever fell in love with, and throughout the years she and I have floated and cavorted and drifted in and out of each others’ orbits time and again. As I told a friend, it’s a lovely, bittersweet thing that we do. I so love running into her, and circling in her orbit for a short period, basking in the glow of her–she shines bright–but I also know she will as soon drift off somewhere else, and leave me here again, and for a time, the world will be a little less bright, a little duller. But that’s okay, we’ll meet again, and again, I know. My lovely Dragonfly Girl.
This weekend is to be filled with housecleaning, laundry and writing, and maybe a hike, if I am brave (or stupid) enough to go outside–my allergies are horrendous. Meanwhile, I am curling up here with Ad, looking forward to waking him later for some late-night nookie. He doesn’t know that’s what’s going to happen, but I intend to not let him say “no.” Sometimes, the best way to excise the bad is to reaffirm the good…and having my lover love me is good.