I had a crappy day yesterday. Really, an epic crappy day.

The morning was filled with my own stupidity, angsting on shit I shouldn’t have, although I did manage not to expose anyone else to my knee-jerkiness, which I consider a win. I can’t help how I am, but I can help how I react.

I wish that my sister would learn that lesson.

She was the cause of the rest of my crappy day, spewing venom and rancor at me over something that a) should not have been rancor-causing and b) had nothing to do with me. I understand that she is in pain over recent events with her eldest son, but lashing out at me isn’t right.  Before it was over it got ugly, and I got uninvited to her son’s graduation luncheon as well as to be a part of her life–I’ve “shown my true colors” which she “should have known, seeing as how I live my life.”

Sigh.

My sister and I have had a complicated relationship, as do many siblings, and honestly, she isn’t a very nice person. She is still filled with hatred and bitterness over her divorce ten years ago, and she and her ex are poster children for how not to be divorced parents. If they haven’t seriously damaged their son with their viciousness and bitterness towards each other, I would be surprised.  But I have kept my mouth shut for the most part, knowing that to raise the slightest criticism of her would be seen as disloyalty.  Then yesterday, via a careless comment I made, it all came to a head, and she attacked me, rather viciously, as she is wont to do, and I…well, I didn’t just roll over and take it.

I abhor confrontation and for the most part I will do anything to avoid it. That is why she and I have even gotten along at all. But yesterday…I just couldn’t do it. It may have had to do with the fact that she was attacking my daughter in all of this too that made me stand up to her: I may not stand up for myself because I don’t care what people say/think about me, but do it to those I love, and I come out swinging.  So I told her that, in this instance, I thought that it was her own bitterness that was causing the issue.  Big mistake. Even that tiny bit of criticism unleashed a torrent of anger at me that ended up boiling down to recriminations over how I choose to live my life.

It always comes down to that, doesn’t it?

The damn thing is, it still hurts. It hurts to know that because I am who I am, because I choose to live my life in a way that she doesn’t approve of, I can be attacked at any time and turned on at any time, and that is the real issue, that is really what she wants to attack.

I made it through work and then, on the way home, broke down in tears. I knew I shouldn’t drive, so I called W to see if I could hide at his house until I regained control of myself, but he wasn’t available, so I pulled over in a park and bawled in the car, feeling sad and alone and, well, freakish, crying in public. Oh well.

And then I straightened myself out and drove home and took a long walk with Ad.

I’m better today. Sad, but better. I’ve always known that when she got mad at me she would attack my lifestyle. She’s done it before. Oh well. And the reality is that I don’t like her very much, and never have, but because she is “family” I have put up with her negativity. She was a spoiled, selfish teenager with a feeling of superiority and entitlement, and she has become an negative, bitter adult who believes that it’s the world’s fault that her life isn’t what she wants. I’ve watched as she systematically beat down my nephew and has used and abused my parents, and listened to her rants about how unfair life is and how this is all her ex’s fault. At least now maybe I don’t have to listen to that anymore.

I imagine we’ll get over this. Like the last time, she’ll come around in a few months and act like nothing happened. Or not. I find that I have a hard time really caring at this point. The bond of family is the only thing that connects us, and honestly, in my dysfunctional family, that’s not a very strong bond.

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