I wonder what he’s doing right now. It’s 11:45 PM here, 12:45 AM there, so I imagine they are in whatever dungeon space the camp has… If it is like when he and I have gone to events, he is probably playing. This seems to be a prime play time for him at events, at least when we’ve gone to them.
I wonder, if he is, if he occasionally, just in passing, thinks about me. Thinks about what it’s like when we play, how I react, how we respond to each other. If I am in his thoughts at all.
It’s interesting to me that these aren’t bad thoughts. I’m not consumed by jealousy or even envy; only curious. Curious what he’s like when he is with her, what they are like together, what he is like around an entirely other set of friends and acquaintances.
And if I am ever in his thoughts while he is with them. While he is with her. I want him to be enjoying himself…but another part of me wonders if he is missing me, just a little. Thinking about me.
I think about him a lot when I am not with him. I think about him at odd, unrelated moments, and when I am in the middle of conversations with Ad, even, sometimes, when I am in the middle of (~gasp~) sex with Ad. Not in a bad or comparison way–I am not wishing I was with him instead of Ad at that moment, I just…think about him. What he’s doing, what he’d think about this or that, the things that we do.
It is nice right now because I am not actively missing him, just thinking about him. It feels good. Warm.
Of course I don’t want to actively think about what they might actually be doing. I don’t want to think about the real, physical things he might be doing with her or others. That’s…a little close for me. I know my own boundaries & triggers, and don’t want to prod too hard at myself. I am curious about him though, about what he’s like in a relationship with someone else. I’ve never seen that.
There is part of me that would very much like to see it, to understand this other aspect of him…and part of me that knows that I might not be able to deal with it right in front of me, so I don’t push too hard for that either. But…if they start playing frequently again (she has been out-of-commission for the past year or so) that could happen. Although I didn’t pay a visit to him and another play partner when she came to town this past year, if this partner came to town, I most assuredly would meet her. Which would be…interesting.
Ah damn…and now I have sat and thought about him (and her) long enough to start missing him, to start myself thinking too much. (sigh) Sometimes I shouldn’t journal. I’d best be off to bed. A good night’s sleep, a busy day and (hopefully) a fun night out will put an end to this. And then there is Sunday with friends and new people, and then there’s only Monday to get through before he gets home on Tuesday. Not that long. Truly.