This summer has been an odd, disjointed one. W out of town for much of it so far, vacation with The Missy, Ad’s weird work hours, then me being in the hospital. My job has taken some stressful turns and my having to take these last two classes to graduate (and then being too sick to finish one of them) has taken its toll. My children deciding to come live with me full-time has also been a huge mental/emotional adjustment (not a bad one, but still, an adjustment.)
Not a propitious way to start what is usually my favorite time of the year, certainly.
And that’s probably in large part to blame for some of my feeling of disconnect with W, and with myself in regards to sex, kink & relationship, even to blogging in some ways. Ad, that astute man, made the connection for me after I told him about my post in PoJ. He pointed out that much of my “self” that is driven and nourished by kink has not been fed recently. W and I share many, many more things than kink now, but that is a deep connection we have, a large part of our interaction, and it is only through him that those needs are fostered, fed and met in me. So it is natural that I should feel a loss, a disconnect, when that is not there. And it hasn’t been there, in any consistency, in many weeks now.
But I feel like I am getting back to myself, albeit slowly. We had some fun this weekend at a party (my first outing since being sick), where I got to dress up and show off. I also engaged in some W-inspired naughty play on Sunday, and I got the A-OK/all-clear from my doctor this morning, so I am hopeful that I will not be considered the fragile, breakable china doll that they (my sweet, loving men) have treated my like since my illness.
I still feel a little off-balance though, a little lost. I am hoping that, with the advent of more regular play time with W, I’ll be able to find myself again…find the kinky Jade girl that I have missed so much.
I’m ready to be broken again, and put back together.