I’ve been up since 3am. All my fears, anxieties, disappointments, and failures snap and snarl at me at 3am, denying me sleep, denying me peace. I laid in bed, tossing an turning, reviewing them all in my mind, reminding myself of all the reasons I’m not good enough, all the mistakes I’ve made, all the ways I don’t live up to my own expectations and all the ways I fall down, all the things I am afraid of, because I couldn’t help myself.
Finally, at 4:30 I gave up, turned on the light and decided to do something constructive. Wrote out my training intro for the break out session I’m giving at the staff conference and made a to-do list for it to get done today. So many little details, and I feel like I can’t keep track of them all… Writing it out relieved some anxiety. Getting them down on paper. Though being up so early means that today I will be fuzzy, when I need to be sharp. Oh well. I have my list. All I have to do is plod down it, mark things off.
Then I turned over and woke Ad with my mouth on his cock. I like doing that for him, but seldom do, being the selfish “just let me sleep fifteen more minutes” girl that I am. I think he was pleasantly surprised. Though when I stayed awake after I was done he kicked me out of bed so he could go back to sleep. “Go work off some energy,” he said. So I did, and worked out to the new Jillian Micheals (sp?) DVD that he got me the other day. Damn that bitch can work out. About killed me. In fact I am a bit queasy, even now. And tired. Fuck I am tired.
Maybe…now…a half hour nap before I have to get ready for work.