I love making my Owner happy.
That sounds so trite (don’t we all want to make our SO’s happy?) and yet, it is so much more than that. It touches so deeply inside, in parts of me that I recognize are both the submissive and the child: desperate for approval, desperate to please. And yet it feels good. So damn good. I know at times like this, when I feel this glowing contentment, that there is little he could ask for that I would not do for him, and I understand other submissives when they say, “I’d do anything for him/her.”
I wonder, knowing that it is this feeling I crave, this deep satisfaction and pleasure at doing something–even and sometimes especially something I don’t want to do–if it is, ultimately, a selfish act. Am I pleasing him only to please myself? This is, of course, the altruism argument. Is it truly altruism if you are gaining gratification from doing it? In the end though, as with altruism as well, I don’t know that it matters. What matters is the end result, and the end result is me, sitting here, ridiculously happy at the thought of pleasing him, deliberately doing things that I don’t necessarily want to do because I know it will please him, and anticipating the pay-off in the end, when he holds me, and tells me he loves me, and that I did well, and that I have pleased him like no other. When he validates me.
Sometimes I wonder at this compulsion to please. It has always been such a deep part of my makeup, even from my earliest, childhood memories, so much so that at times it was almost crippling, and certainly informed many of the decisions I made and my feelings of self-worth. Can it be a healthy thing, to build a relationship predicated on that? And yet, so much of BDSM relationship is about finding that other-person-shaped key that fits into your lock, that Other that allows us to explore in healthy, non-judgmental, safe ways, these needs that we might otherwise act out on in unhealthy ways. And because I have found a relationship in which those needs are rewarded, I can feed them in a healthy way, without tearing myself apart or beating myself up when I don’t meet some arbitrary self-imposed expectation.
And hmm, perhaps that is why a punishment dynamic is so incredibly uncomfortable/unhealthy for me.
I had an interesting realization today. W and I haven’t had a really intense scene in awhile. And by intense, I mean of the brutal variety. We’ve had lots and lots of hot, nasty, yummy, incredible sex (and some that has even made me feel beat up!); we’ve played a bit with him using me as a live model for some toys he is making; and we’ve had some fun and/or painful but somewhat lower-key type of scenes, but not the impact-play, beating type scene I’ve been jonesing for. We’ve had some opportunities for it to happen, but, for one reason or another, it just hasn’t. And, honestly…I’ve been wondering why not. And…hamster-head that I am…I start to think maybe it’s because he just doesn’t want to do that to me anymore. Maybe we are too close, maybe he doesn’t feel that way about me, maybe he doesn’t see me as a girl he wants to beat up, to hurt, anymore. Maybe loving me makes him not want to hurt me.
Or maybe he is bored with me. Maybe he doesn’t really have that deep a desire for corporal play, for impact play, that I do. Maybe he played that way before because he knew I liked it, but it really isn’t something that trips his trigger. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to do that with me anymore.
So many possibilities. All ones that kill me to think about.
But. And here’s the big “but” and the realization that I had as I thought about our conversation this morning, when I asked him, point blank, if those things were the case (he said no, it’s just been more an energies kind of thing.) But if any of those were the case…it wouldn’t change one iota of how I feel about him or our relationship. It wouldn’t kill me (well unless it meant he just didn’t want me anymore at all.) It wouldn’t matter how our relationship changed…I would accept it and still want it, no matter what it looked like. I love him. Yes, I want him to do all those things to me–him, not some anonymous Top–but if he didn’t want to, I would still love our relationship and all the things we do do. Because there is so much more in our repertoire than just vicious impact play. Yes, if I had to have a beating once in awhile, I could get it elsewhere, and probably would. But I certainly can’t get all of the amazing other things I get from him, from what we do, from who we are together, anywhere else. And I don’t want to.