I am all alone today. Just me and the pup, hanging out. Working from home, but not at W’s, the Missy at her first day of college classes, her bf back at his house, Ad working, the BoyChild at school. This is the longest stretch of time that I have been completely alone in I don’t know how long.
It’s actually…a little uncomfortable.
I was planning to write, tweet & work naked, but that didn’t happen. Not that anyone would care anyway. And that is how my mind works when I am alone. That’s why I don’t do it much. And why I guess I should. Just because I don’t have bodies around me, people to validate me, doesn’t mean I don’t exist. That no one cares. But that’s exactly what it feels like.
Completely, utterly stupid. I know this intellectually. But I have a hard time convincing my emotional/irrational side of it.
I actually had an evening to myself/slept a whole night alone in my own bed (not at a hotel for work, which is different) the other night. That was weird too, but in a good way. The kids were here, and I hung out with them without having to think about making conversation, having to think about what one or the other guy was doing, and when I decided we should go to a movie, I just got up and we went. I really liked it. It reminded me of when I had my own place.
But today reminds me of what I didn’t like about having my own place: the hours I was alone in my apartment. I just really, really hate being alone at home. I enjoy occasional alone time, when I have something I am doing–shopping, running, the occasional hike–but honestly, I’d much rather do anything (except running) with someone else.
I’m sure there are psychiatrists out there ready to tell me what a serious issue this is. That I don’t love myself or some such thing. (shrug) Whatever. I don’t think it indicates anything other than that I like people around me. I don’t have to be talking to them, but I do like their presence.
A girlfriend of mine used to have a horse that couldn’t be alone. He pined for the company of another creature if he didn’t have a buddy in his stable. Pined and grew fractious and unstable and wouldn’t eat. She got him a goat. And they were the best of buddies, and he was the happiest, best-behaved horse around. Maybe I am like that horse.
Damn. I have horses on the brain. I get to be a pony for Western night, or whatever it’s being called, at Twisted Tryst. AND a friend of mine wants to do a photo shoot with me as a pony! Though what he envisions is a much more objectified pony that the pretty, prancing pony I someday want to be if I ever get to do actual pony play. And even more different than the fuckable-and-beatable pony that W wants to make of me. (Actually what I want is a combination of all three…hmmm.)
Back to being alone (or not) though, I do think that is one personal reason that poly is a good choice for me (aside from all the others that most “normal” poly’s mention.) I really don’t ever have to be alone if I don’t want to. And I like that. Both my guys are fine being alone at times, in fact seem to want it, so they get it. It was weird to realize, the other night though, that I am simply never alone (except when driving to/from work and running.) And…I’m okay with that.
So boy-howdy the guys had a good chuckle at me last night. I am a planner, an organizer, a list-maker. Especially when confronted with the unknown or finding myself in a new situation/place. Makes me feel secure to know I have contingencies, that I have prepared myself as best as possible, that I have crossed and dotted all my t & i’s. So I was in high planning mode last night. Combined with an excess of energy, excitement & three glasses of wine, I was a hummingbird. On crack. Seriously.
And W and Ad were their usual laid-back selves. La-di-da, everything will come together, tra-la-la, just relax already! (snort) Uh-huh. You know why everything comes together? You know why those non-planning-fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants folks can non-plan?? Because us Planners make it possible. But oh they just thought I was sooo funny! They even accused me having (gasp!) idiosyncrasies. Well I wrote down a few of their idiosyncrasies this morning at 4am when I couldn’t sleep. The funniest part? They both share so many of them!
- They both had cell phones that are so old neither one got email on them–can’t get email on them. Ad has finally moved into the modern era, actually texts and has email on his phone; W still has not. And in fact, I have a suspicion that if he could get away with it, W probably wouldn’t even have a cellphone, voicemail or even an answering machine.
- They both drive 20 year old cars and both have said to me, at different times, independent of each other, “If this one died, I would want the exact same car–same year!–to replace it.
- They’d both rather fix a thing with duct tape, a bungee cord and spit than to spend $10 to replace it. Seriously.
- They will both eat food that I wouldn’t feed my dog.
- On a recent shopping trip, Ad bought 8 t-shirts, all exactly the same style/color. In a recent clothes-washing excursion, I folded 3 shirts of W’s–all the exact same style/color.
- They both still have uniforms from their Air Force days–and college days!
But you want to know the weirdest thing of them all?? They both like me.
And they say I have idiosyncrasies.