I’m bored, and irritated, and lonely. Ad is in bed already because he has to get up early to drive to KC tomorrow for work, W’s incommunicado because he’s in NY at his daughter’s, and God knows talking or communicating with his girlfriend would not be kosher, and the kids are all otherwise occupied. There’s no good discussions on Fet, no one interesting to chat and/or flirt with, my book is putting me to sleep and I can’t get into writing.
My main problem is missing W. I really hate this. I hate being so needy, I hate being the one that craves communication and doesn’t get it, I hate feeling the lack of his presence/attention so acutely. I hate it most that, as Ad said this afternoon, “You’re asking too much of him, Jade. He probably doesn’t even feel a lack.” It’s always this same go-around when he goes away, and I know it must be getting as old to ya’ll out there as it is to me. I know he has other plans/things to do–and he should! Hell he sees his daughter a couple times a year, right? But does that preclude communicating with me? Why is it so hard for him to, say, get up in the morning and say, “Hey let me check my email, send Jade a quick note hello,” before he sets out for the day? I mean, other people in relationships do it. Is it because of the nature of our relationship? Is it because it’s kinky, or poly, or both? Maybe he doesn’t ascribe the same amount of importance to the relationship as I do. Or maybe he really, truly is that thoughtless, that clueless. I just don’t know, and I’m tired of thinking about it.
I do know that this is not working for me. Maybe the next time he goes away I need to ask that we don’t communicate at all, that way I am not waiting…and waiting…and waiting for him to throw me a communication bone. Or maybe I need to find some way not to need him so much, because he obviously doesn’t feel the same.
I do recognize one thing that is causing me some discomfort that has nothing to do with W but is probably exacerbating my feelings and blowing them out of proportion. (Well, two things, really, but we’ll start with the most obvious.) My daughter’s boyfriend is staying with us here at the condo. He doesn’t have a place to stay, and, with some new, stricter rules, I agreed to let him stay here (thus my introduction to Chester, his hamster.) He’s a good kid, quiet and polite, helpful, respectful. He’s got a job and is trying to keep it together until he goes into the Air Force in August. He’s had it rough, and I just couldn’t stand by while I have a home and more than enough. So, he is staying here for the time being.
I am used to a lot of time with no one but me and Ad. I have the kids a few days a week, they are at their dad’s a few days, and I spend a couple days at W’s. Now, even when my daughter is at her dad’s–I have a child here. Okay, not a child, but, yes, a child. An extra human being in the house. And it’s…stressful for me. I like a lot of quiet. I don’t ever turn on a radio or the television when I am home alone. I don’t listen to the radio at work. I don’t turn on music. And just having another person here, in what is actually a pretty small space, is stressful. So I am dealing with that and trying to get used to it while all this other stuff is going on and I can’t get away because I don’t even have W’s to go to, or him to talk to, so…bleh, right? Bad timing, really.
And the second thing…eh, I don’t feel like going into that now. What I feel like doing is changing my outlook. I don’t have to sit here waiting for him to come online. I mean seriously, how fucking sickening is that??
So yeah, now that I got that bit of pissy-face whining out of the way, I think I’ll do something productive.
****************time goes by*****************
I dusted the front room.
I cut the last of my summer herbs and hung them to dry on my baker’s rack.
I organized the front room and helped the boys organize theirs.
I met Chester the hamster.
I helped Ad take a bunch of camping stuff that had been lying around, cluttering up the front room, over to the little condo.
I threw the ball for the dog, who loves me better than the Food Guy again.
I went and read Kaya’s blog, which always makes me laugh. Or cringe. Or both.
And now I am working on a new “Upcoming Calls for Submissions” list.
I can stop being a whiny baby if I try. And fuck it if I don’t have enough to keep me busy, goddammit.