Enough of teh whining, already! I am ready to be my usual self again: happy & relaxed. Well, happy at least, sometimes being me means not being relaxed. But anyway. I am so excited about W being back home, that’s all I want to concentrate on–not being a pissy whiney baby!
Three people in my office have told me I look “funky, stylish and adorable.” So maybe I wasn’t being quite as blase about how I was dressing myself when I got ready this AM. And he has told me I was pretty or cute when dressed in my Bohemian funky clothes, so…okay, I’m hoping he’ll think so this time too. Not rebellion–just not Ms. Sexpot. Funny, that. Ms. Sexpot is someone he likes to see. This outfit is me. And, maybe I am wanting him to like me for me right now. Not because he wants to fuck me, or show me off, or make me do degrading things. Maybe that is what this whole temper tantrum thing while he’s been gone is all about.
….thinking about that…
Hrmm. I just re-read one of the things I said: that maybe he didn’t feel the need to communicate with me (say, to tell me he’d arrived safely when he got there) because he doesn’t think of this a real relationship. Maybe he doesn’t see me as a real girlfriend. I am just a fucktoy, a plaything, a body to be used. Because we play that way. I truly don’t think he feels that way, but when things like this happen…that’s what it make me feel, makes me think. That my only value to him is in my cunt, that he doesn’t value me or the relationship outside of that.
And that comes from my own insecurity. Because he has never done anything to make me think that. It all comes from inside my own little “hamster head.” Yes, I still think he could alleviate it…there are small things he could do…but, bottom line is that this is my own to overcome and deal with.
Oh wait, this was supposed to be a “happier” note, wasn’t it? Okay, here’s the happy: realizing this means I’m not mad at him any more. Really, truly. I’m just excited to see him. Now that’s happy.
Oh, and here’s more happy. Ad texted me this morning:
Ad: Did you take a bath with the duckies this monring?
Me: (stares blankly at the screen for a moment): Erm, duckies??
Him: Rubber duckies? Or, maybe it was The BoyChild??
Me: (suddenly remembering my shower SO early that AM, in which I had put the three mini color-changer duckies in with me): Oh! Rubber duckies! Yes, I wanted to see them change colors this morning.
Him: You are so funny. You make me smile. Thank you.