Honesty: The best of all the lost arts. ~Mark Twain
Today is my first day at home alone. How strange to be without either of my partners, at home, for the next 9 days! This hasn’t happened since I started dating W, and I don’t think it’s ever happened for this long, even when I was married. Even when my marriage split up, and Ad and I were on “hiatus,” I still knew that either my ex or Ad was really just a phone call away. That’s not the case now. They are both (in a weird coincidence) in Florida. Hardly able to run over if I (heaven forbid) lock my keys in my car. Or my car doesn’t start. Or I get into an accident. (I wonder why all my oh-no-I’m-alone anxieties all have to do with cars??) They don’t actually, though. My assistant looked at me when we were talking about it this morning and said, “I’m going to need to remind you to eat, aren’t I?” And Ad said, “Don’t worry, I’ll text you every morning to remember to feed the dog.” (Food and cars!) I told him, firmly, “No. You have your own stuff to think about.” I really am a grown woman! But I did realize this morning that I do have make a menu of some sort, and actually set foot in a grocery store, which I hate, and buy groceries, and (~gulp~) plan (and prepare!) dinners, for myself and the kids.
I frequently have little trips alone of a few days, up to my 10 day trip to Mexico with the Missy last year, but I have never been home alone, with all the responsibilities that entails, for this long. I know it won’t be a big deal–it’s not like I can’t do these things, but…it feels weird. I keep worrying: what if I forget something?
I know, it’s kind of sick. How can I even think of myself as an independent woman if I haven’t lived independently. Scary how dependent you get on others.
It’s also odd not having the little bit of structure that having W here gives me. He doesn’t require things of me, but I am always aware that I might see him on any given day, so, unless I have specific plans to do otherwise, I always dress and prepare myself like I might. You know, shave my legs, put make-up on or at least bring it with me, dress nicely and always with heels (often times my uber-heels, just so I can tell him about it), have my toenails done and the ole pubes ripped out. I realized this morning that I have only shaved my legs once since he’s been gone, and that was because we were going out to an event. I have worn slacks and flats, or my Converses and favorite grungy jeans and t-shirts to work, kept my hair pulled back or in a ponytail, haven’t worn make-up or done my toenails since he’s been gone. And don’t even ask about my pubic hair (can you say “gone wild?”) Thank god frequent waxing has reduced it to “not much left.”
Oddly, it is both freeing–I feel like a kid with no rules all of a sudden (“Woo hoo! Cake for breakfast!”)–and disconcerting. In fact, it makes me feel even lonelier, and miss him more. It’s like when I look at myself in the mirror and see the tomboy-dressed-down-regular-woman that I am, I truly know there’s no chance of seeing him that night. Only with as much certainty of it as I have would I feel comfortable being this casual.
I am trying to impose structure in my routines while they aren’t here, at least. Gym after work, writing & crochet at night. Oh, and I guess I better add “cooking dinner” to the nightly chores. I really did want to go to a few movies while Ad’s gone (I actually enjoy movie-going by myself, as well as with others) but I think I may have the Boychild (and possibly the Missy) all week, with will preclude that. And I am hoping to be at W’s Wednesday for my work-from-home day (one day early since I have Thursday off.) Maybe I can have some fun with that…maybe even W will assist from afar and give me some things to do. ;-)
Okay, well, without further ado, your next installment of “Truth by Jade”:
Day 6 – Something you hope never to have to do.
I pray to never have to bury my own child. My brother died at age 40, and it devastated my mother. “You expect to bury your parents,” she said, “but never your own children. And you never, ever get over it.” Enough said.
Others who are doing the meme or have done it:
The Blogging Slave
Peggy Sue (a new-to-me blog I wandered over to after reading Rayne’s “30 Days” post…)
If you decide to join in, send me a message and I’ll add you to the list!