Truth: Day 15 – Doing Without

Truth fears no questions.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

I wonder if I am telling the truth even as I write this, but the first thing that came to mind was “submission.”

I tried to live vanilla, after my Ex and I split. I wanted to be able to be happy and sexually fulfilled without it.  I didn’t want to need it as part of my sexuality, because needing something–anything or anyone–makes you weak. Makes you vulnerable. If you can’t have it, if you don’t have it, and you need it, what might you do to get it? Lie, steal, cheat? Be with someone you don’t want to be with just to get your fix, whether that fix is love, kink, sex, drugs or something else?

After my Ex and I split, we spent two years as uneasy, resentful even, kink-fuck buddies. Or rather, I allowed him to use me that way. As, perhaps, I used him. I needed what he gave me, I needed to submit…to him? Or anyone. (Which was it?) I thought at the time that it was him I was needing, and so that made me vulnerable to his invitations to lunch or dinner while his new girlfriend was out of town, the ones that ended up with me on my knees in front of him, his fist in my hair, his cock fucking my throat. And me feeling grateful and content.

Until later, when I hated that I still needed to feel that, to feel submission, so damn much.  I know he hated that he needed it too, though.

And so, at some point, I just had to make it stop. Submission was my weakness, so I would no longer submit. I would no longer need it, I decided.  Nice try.  I didn’t play with anyone for awhile, but at some point I just couldn’t live without kinky sex anymore.  Vanilla didn’t cut it for me–but in my bones I knew submission was my true weakness.  So when I started seeking kinky sex or play partners again, I made sure that all I was doing was bottoming. Playing here and there, not feeding the submission, because it’s a voracious beast (I knew!) and once I started, I would be hooked again.  “I am a bottom,” I declared, “not a submissive.”  As though these things can be so simply because we decide they are.

I started my relationship with W that way, intending never to fall into submission with him.  And we all know how that worked out.

But I discovered something about myself when I finally capitulated to what my heart needed and wanted, when I realized that, whether or not he wanted me to be, I was his submissive and not just a bottom. I realized that I need submission.  Kink is great. Kink is hot and kink is fun. But to feel complete, to feel content, to be happy–I need submission.

Yes, it makes me vulnerable. And no, I don’t always like that. But in the end, what can I do?

But to return to my initial statement above: Is it something I couldn’t “live without?” Certainly not. I can. and have lived without it. I believe food, water, air and shelter are the only things a person truly can’t live without. But I sure couldn’t live happily without it.

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