I’m thinking about revising my OkCupid profile. Not because it hasn’t been successful, but more because in some ways, it is too successful. It actually attracts the exact kind of men that, if I was interested in vanilla dating, I would want to date. Intelligent, well-spoken, interesting men that either understand or want to know about poly, that get my situation and are still interested in finding out more, men that find me “fascinating, intriguing, articulate, honest and forthright.” (Not blowing my own horn, I’m just saying that as dating profiles go, this one works.) And the reason it works is precisely because I am very honest in it. The only thing I don’t shout out to the world is my kink side, but I do provide clues to it, for the person that knows what to look for, or recognizes the signs.
So what’s the problem?
The problem is that I am really not interested in vanilla dating any more. Seriously. I have four…er, five maybe…men that I have been talking to from there recently. None of them want to be my primary, but they are all very eager to meet and get to know me. And, probably, given any kind of attraction once we meet, “date.” Sometimes I wish I was interested in dating, because they seem like interesting men. It seems that I (mostly) attract men that actually read my profile, share some similar interests, are close to my age and socio-economic class, want similar things in a relationship (if I still wanted to foster secondary relationships.) Sure I get the occasional “Yer hot,” email, but I have a couple sexy shots posted, so that’s to be expected. And, unlike some women, I am not offended by that sentiment. How is telling me I’m hot or sexy an insult? Isn’t that what I want people to think?
I realize I have an advantage and am able to be more blase about those kinds of emails though, because I am not on there to find the love of my life, my one and only, my next life partner. I have the luxury of not needing any of these men to pan out into something “more” or real. All I want is a little flirtation, a little fun, the occasional night out.
Oh, and to amuse W.
I use the word amuse, but that’s not exactly what I mean. It’s hard to explain, where I am right now with dating and men and my interactions with him regarding that and my own motivations for doing such. Or maybe not so difficult to explain after all.
See, my profile draws men that are interested in that “secondary” status. An amusing occasional companion or date, or maybe even a true secondary relationship. And W likes that–well, the first. I don’t think he’d mind the second, if it didn’t overwhelm me, but he actively likes the first. He likes and wants me to go on vanilla dates. But I…am not so much into that anymore. I think his heart is in a good place, I think he truly wants me to enjoy the intellectual interaction and flirtation. It also, even if it isn’t a sexual situation, still feeds into his kink to have me desired by different men. And I used to like to date for the first reason too. Now, if I date, it is for the second. It is no longer about possibly finding a (very) secondary partner, a casual, vanilla relationship, someone to go out with every so often. I just have absolutely no interest in that anymore. Nor time. I want my dates now to be kink-related. I want them driven by him, focused on the kink aspects of why I go out with men (in speaking of kink in this context I am speaking of the sexual kink, of giving me away and having me used by others.) I don’t want dates or relationships, even casual ones. I don’t have the time or energy for them.
The thing is, as with these four or five men (let’s see, how many are there? Scrabble Guy, Radio Guy, Pakistani Guy, Lawyer Guy, Math Teacher. Five.), I actually do like them, at least in as far as one can in emails, phone calls and chat. They are men that I probably would date, or at least go out with as friends, and enjoy getting to know. And so it’s hard to just not talk to them. Also–I know how much W likes this, this dating thing, this flirtation (and if I am being truthful, it feeds my ego as well.) And so I will set up dates with them, and will probably enjoy them…but I truly don’t have time for fostering/growing relationships with any of them, and that seems…dishonest. Unfair. Because, unlike me (anymore, now), they all seem to at least want a modicum of relationship-building.
I am honest about my intentions (or lack thereof) when I speak to these men. But an added complication is that even when I am completely, perfectly blunt about it, they still want to engage. And I just…can’t say no. I am BAD at it. So I go out anyway, even when I know they are only saying all they want is FWB’s or some such thing. And they end up wanting more, and all I can do is fall back on, “I told you how limited my time/energy is.” With some of them, that’s good. If I get the vibe that they’ll dig it, I tell them about that other thing that I do, when W tells me to play out a sexual fantasy for them. They happily engage in it (or want to.) And that’s cool. But I feel like…I’ve turned a corner in what I want, and around that corner is even less than I wanted or was looking for before. I want casual sex or someone who is into playing W’s power games. (There, I’ve said it.) And I feel like I need to find a way to say that in my OKC profile.
The problem with that is that then…that’s all I will get. And worse. And…I enjoy these men. Their thoughts, ideals, fantasies, dreams. Getting to know them. I like them. And, yes, I enjoy their interest in me. The person, the woman, me. Not just the sexual fantasy, the sexual toy. But if I can’t give anything back to them other than the sex toy, do I have any right to give the impression (even indirectly) that I can?
And what if I end up finding someone that I do want something more with?
So. To revise or not to revise. That is the question.