We were in the bath together the other night, a rare occurrence, although he frequently sits with me and we have a drink and talk while I’m bathing. I’m glad he climbed in with me, though, it was the perfect way to discuss an important topic; naked, warm and wet, it’s hard to be anything but open and loving with each other. Laying your naked skin on one another strips one of artifice and arrogance, you can’t help but feel a little vulnerable, while at the same time it engenders a protective, humbling feeling towards your other.
Or else makes you a rabid fuckbunny. It can go either way, and either way works in my book. ;-)
Seriously though, he climbed in and we started chatting kind of aimlessly about things. Not “Things (capitol T)” but just life things. A big Thing that is happening soon is that he is going away for a month again, and we did touch on that (in a fun way) but mostly we chatted, shared, relaxed, enjoyed.
Eventually our discussion moved on to our upcoming cruise in April. Ad and I had made a reservation some time ago for this five day excursion: a 100% takeover “Lifestyle” cruise that is also geared towards kinky folk, having a couple of well-known kinksters doing presentations and kinky playrooms set up for us twisted folk, as well as the usual swinger parties & party rooms. Late in February W had finally committed to coming, and so we we were talking about what we might expect, etc. Talk naturally turned to negotiating the swinger environment.
W and I aren’t swingers, as such. We’ve been to a party or two here, but the couple of times I tried doing the two-couples/swapping thing (with my ex) I didn’t enjoy it much. Just too much to think about–is everyone having a good time? Is she happy? Is he happy?– to relax and enjoy. I also really feel at a loss in that environment. How do you get from the bar to the bedroom? How do you negotiate what level of play everyone is comfortable with? There are intricacies of interaction that leave me uncomfortable and unsure, of myself, of the situation. Also, underlying it all, is my relationship dynamic with W. I don’t fuck others without his permission, but more specifically, I need his dominance to instigate it.
And yet, knowing that he wants me to be with others, that it is one of his deepest kinks and desires, I know how much it would please him for me to find some way to negotiate this, to embrace it, within the boundaries of my perception of our D/s relationship. I would love to be able to give that to him. I also know that he was not always happy with the way another of his partners sometimes left him feeling left out at swinger things, and want (I know this is bad but what the hell, this is MY space for truth, right?) to do it better than she did. I want the experience to be amazing for him, in every way, and I want to be the one to make that happen. Of course, being as tied to him D/s-wise as I am, I can’t imagine ever leaving him out in the cold, in fact quite the opposite: I think my problem will be clinging to him too much, when what he wants is for me to be this free, hyper-sexual person. I don’t know that I can be her–but I think that the atmosphere on the boat may allow me to feel that a bit more, and to act in ways that I might not be comfortable with but that I know he wants me to. I’d kinda like to be that hyper-sexual girl, if I could let her out of her cage. ;-)
He, on the other hand, originally came from the swinging environment, although I don’t know how much experience he has in such an environment with a girl like me (read: with the added possible-encumbrance of my deep submission to him.) Swinger and overt-BDSM do not always mix, and yet I need to feel made to do those things, I need his overt dominance in order to act, and so we have been trying to find ways to enhance that aspect of it for me, while not allowing it to unsettle those around us.
One of the aspects we talked about was how free I could/would be sexually with others, if he had not given his express permission. And, conversely, how free he could be. I know that I (almost always) have his implicit permission. But I also know myself well enough to know that I will not and cannot act that way without his express permission, and even goading. I need that to step beyond myself enough to go there. So we talked about that, and possible ways to deal with it.
Then he asked me about the reverse. About his being with other women on the ship. Of course, if we’re both there having sex, and he’s getting off with someone and I’m getting off with someone, that’s all good. But what if there is someone that he wants to get involved with just by himself? How do I feel about that?
In some ways, this is why I think that there are times mixing D/s and open relationships don’t work. There isn’t equality in D/s. It is inherently and by choice an unequal relationship. And given that inequality, it has great potential to be abused by the one in power. For me, it works, but it works because it is with W–with his ethics and fairness–that I am doing this with. I know he would never abuse the trust that I place in him to treat me fairly. That said, within that D/s context, even if he didn’t encourage, allow and make me have sex with other men, I would still feel it was his right to have sex with whomever he pleases. As his property, as his submissive, I do not have the right to tell him who he can and cannot have sex with. This is not driven or dictated by him, it is part of my personal understanding of our dynamic–the way that I view our relationship–that it feels right that I should need to have permission granted to me, but that he should not. He is the Owner, I am the property. He owns my sex, I don’t own his. Period. That feels right to me, and as it should be.
The reality, of course, is much more complex. I know that if he approached it that way (“I’m the Owner, suck it up, bitch,”) it would never work emotionally for me. Because, regardless of the labels, of this hard-seeming edge, the place that I truly come from with this is a place of compassion, and a deep-seated need for fairness and to be ethical. But I also know that if and when the time comes, there will be a part of me that knows, even if it makes me uncomfortable or insecure or unhappy, that part of my acceptance will be based on just that. I know, in my mind, in my heart, that it is right, given our dynamic.
But here, this is what I wanted to say with all of this. The best part of all this was that we could talk about it all. We could have a potentially uncomfortable conversation and talk it through. And in talking it through, learn more about ourselves, and each other, and our relationship. Talking helped to clarify my own feelings, and for the first time I was able to articulate and embrace them. It was an empowering moment.
I don’t know how things will pan out on the ship. But I’m glad it opened this dialogue, regardless of the actual outcome.
Now…to talk to Ad and find out where he is with all this.