Accountability, Dynamics, & Tasks

First, a silly task (having nothing to do with sex, so I’ll house it here.)

Task 16: Wet – Fill a large glass with water to within 1/4″ from the top. Hold it over your head for 30 minutes.

Yeah, this was silly, but surprisingly difficult. I had a conference call yesterday while I worked from home, so it seemed the ideal time to do it. The call lasted 26 minutes. My arms only lasted 17.  Also, I was a day late in completing.

Penalty: 13 minutes + 1 day overdue

I’ve had some difficulty with one of the tasks he has assigned, “Ad – Write an ad offering yourself for lease/rent.”  It was due way back on Wednesday, the 23rd, and I haven’t come close to writing it. I think it has to do with the fact that what this task means is that I have to blow my own horn, and frankly, I’m not good at that. I keep circling the task, and have considered doing it in a very sarcastic, ironic or clearly farcical way, but I feel like that would be a cop-out. I kind of want to force myself to do it for real.

Or not.

I wish I was so full of self-confidence that I could.  So convinced of my own abilities and desirability that even writing such a thing for pretend wouldn’t make me cringe, make me feel self-conscious. There is, of course, someone in my past who has done such a thing, and done it amazingly well (I think she got like 200+ responses in 24 hours to her Craig’s List ad. Of course that could be because she posted a photo of herself, legs spread, cunt and ass open to the camera, and not her fine prose. Who knows.) But the fact remains that I feel like I could never live up to what she did, to the responses she got, so even though this wouldn’t be placed as an actual ad, just the thought of doing this makes me freeze up.  So there you have how truly insecure I am.

And okay, there’s more. This makes me feel so incredibly inadequate because, right or wrong, I think what she did was something W would love for me to do, to be able to do. To have the guts to do.  I think that that kind of attitude that would allow her to do that, to write that and do that, is what he wishes I had.  But I don’t. For a variety of reasons.

So…bottom line…although these tasks are supposed to be fun, and are, this one has kind of tweaked me.  And that makes me disappointed in myself.

Does that mean I won’t do it?  I don’t know. I think I’d be a big pussy if I didn’t do something just because it made me uncomfortable.  And regardless of W’s insistence that it’s meant to be fun, the times that I feel challenged, when he does something to me or makes me do something in spite of my comfort level, are the most memorable, and touch me the deepest.  So, we’ll see.

An interesting situation.

In conjunction with W’s tasks for me, I also created my own task list, of things I wanted to do while he was gone. We all know how I have had difficulty when W is gone in the past. Each time it gets a little easier, as we learn from our mistakes and find new ways to keep me feeling connected to our dynamic, as well as both of us connected as a couple. W’s Task List grew out of that.

My own task list grew out of my desire to take personal accountability for keeping myself sane and happy and occupied while he is gone.  I appreciate the efforts he is making to address some of the issues I go thru when he’s gone, and he seems to be enjoying them as much as I am, but I’m a big girl, and I realized it was time to put my Big Girl Pants on and take my separation-anxiety-demon by the balls and castrate it. Or at least give myself some clear goals to focus on rather than my whiny-ass self.

In other words, stop with the self-pity and do something about it already, right?

So, following is my list.  I have been working steadily on it, and sending updates to W on it, and it’s been both an edifying and enlightening experience. What has stood out for me in all this is that I really do kind of need some structure, someone to be accountable to. Not only because it forces me to be accountable, but also because it feels good to know that someone else sees what I am accomplishing (or vise versa, acts as a stick when I am not accomplishing what I need to.) I like knowing he will know–and wants to know–that I have done task 1, 2 or 3; or that I am accomplishing the goals I set for myself.

And yes, it also serves to remind me, in one more small way, of my dynamic with him, and that makes me feel secure, makes me feel loved, makes me feel cared for.  Even when he is far away, even when I don’t hear him tell me he loves me, this somehow translates to that for me.  I don’t know why–and I am okay not understanding the why of it.  It is enough that it is.

Jade’s Personal Task List

  • Short story submission for April 1 (couples kink story) Not completed. I’d like to say it’s because I was too busy, but the reality is that I just procrastinated until it was too late. I got it about half written.
  • Keep up with the “Couch to 5K in 8 weeks” running program Have kept up mostly, running & doing weights at least 2 days/week and sometimes 3. I am in week three (repeating it) now.
  • Start a 3x per week yoga or stretching regimen Have been stretching out when I run, but have not attended any formal classes. I still have two weeks though.
  • NO FAST FOOD – I want to try not to eat any fast food (except subway maybe 1x per week) for the month. Success so far! Fell off the wagon briefly the other day with a breakfast burrito from Micky D’s, but other than that have been fast food FREE.
  • Look at possible ring configurations for the cruise, coordinate with W to see I need additional rings Have not done yet, on my to-do list for this weekend.
  • “Boys Jade Has Fucked” list updates Completed 5 out of 30. Need to get on this a little bit!
  • Finish crochet bikini After crocheting one of the bra cups three times, I now think I have the sizing right and am working on finishing a fourth (and final) version. Then it’s on to the other cup and the bottoms! Will I make it in time for the cruise?  I don’t know, but I do have 16 hours in a car to work on it if it comes down that.
  • Try out body paint w/Ad Done! Now need to order body paint.
  • Get W and Ad’s headscarves made Bought materiel, Mj is making.
  • Create cruise/trip itinerary Haven’t started yet.
  • Complete 30 Days Truth/Kink One entry (maybe?) Truthfully my Tasks project has kept me with enough kinky writing material that I don’t need more for PoJ, although it might be good for over here.
  • Complete cruise docs/reserve beach excursion/order wine packages Done!
  • Find Belize excursion Waiting on W.
  • Couples cards Waiting on W.
  • Swinger profiles Set up the cruise dot com profiles and have been posting on those boards (networking, baby!) Set up one “regular” swinger site profile and have gotten a good start on the “About Us” essays from W. Need to edit and complete profile.
  • Organize blog drafts Yikes. Not even.
  • Pay Lewbari invoice Done.
  • Order blue hemp Just ordered!  And realized that the color I had in my mind is not actually the color of the rope, which may change my decision on the below…
  • blue shoes Decided I don’t need them, will use white. But now, seeing the above, I may change my mind…
  • white pool sandals/white high heels Got some cute while high heels that really started growing on me when I tried them on last night with my outfits. Am undecided about the pool shoes (I think the ones I found are cute, but I have flip flops and sandals, so…maybe W will have to survive with me not being in heels at the pool. Then again…if I want to establish myself as the High Heel Girl…well, I gotta keep up the image, right? ;-)
  • Swinger lingerie Almost complete.
  • Go thru Ad’s clothes/shop with Ad Done.

I added on a few to-do’s as the month has gone by as well:

  • Make a dentist appt Done. Monday, April 4, 12 pm
  • Make a hair appt Done. Tuesday, April 19 6 pm
  • Make a wax appt (legs AND cooch! Woot!) Done. Thurs, April 21 5:30 pm
  • Get nails done Possibly getting them done by a friend Fri night before we leave.
  • Work on a base tan In the works.
  • Get my formal night dress hemmed At the Russian lady’s. Need to pick up.
  • Go thru my jewelry box Done.
  • Organize my drawers/closet Done.
  • Take items to the dry cleaners Saturday
  • Return overdue library book Hahahahaha. I SUCK. But I do bring in revenue to the library district!
  • Figure out how to add books from library to my eReader, add books Umm, yeah. Someday…
  • Figure out suitcase situation

And that’s all she wrote!


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