Random Bits of Happiness and Pleasure

August 23, 2011

So, after my mini-meltdown last week, and my subsequent “Hold it together girl,” chat with myself, it turned out that my fears were all out of whack with reality.

No, really.  I know that surprises you. (Can anyone say “hamster-head?”)

Anyway.  I have had a completely delightful two weeks since this new schedule has happened. Surprisingly, utterly, delightful.

First was the unexpected pleasure of a night with the Boychild, completely on our own.  Ad got called away to KC for the night, and whereas in the past I would have taken my happy butt over to W’s (and enjoyed myself) of course I can’t do that now.

I’m a parent. I have responsibilities.

So instead I took the Boychild out for dinner at the City Diner and then to the ice cream shop and we meandered down Kingshighway, looking in storefronts, eating ice cream cones, and talking about school, and life, and how he wants a job and–oh yeah–how he has a new girlfriend. A 19-year-old girlfriend.  I’m not actually too distressed about this (yet.) She doesn’t have a car, he doesn’t have a driver’s license, they met at Shakespeare Camp and haven’t seen each other since then, only communicating via text, Facebook, email and phone.  But now I know why he’s so hot to get a job.

“I need money to take her out on a date, Mom.”

“Oh? And am I going to pick her up and drive you both to the theater, like I did when you and your last girlfriend were fifteen?”

I predict this lasting about until she starts college this semester.  Which, oh, is this week.  We’ll see.

On the other hand, the Missy is quite in her stride with her guy-she-likes-to-hang-with-who-isn’t-a-boyfriend. As I was getting ready for bed she was getting ready to go out.

“Where you going?” I asked.

“Over to H’s,” she says.

“Isn’t it kind of late?”

“He just got off work.”  When I raise my eyebrows she continues. “Don’t worry, I asked him if he’s too tired.”

Eyebrows raise higher. “Too tired?”

She gives me a cheeky grin. “Gotta get me some, Momma!”

I shake my head.  Gotta love that girl. “Be careful,” I say, because what else can I say?

“I always am.” She kisses me on the top of my head (cheeky-ass girl.) “You raised me right.”

And I think I did, and am. I’m not making a hash of this motherhood thing. At least not yet.

Oh, and PS? The Girl started her own blog.  And sent me the link, because she wanted me to read it.  She wants me to read her blog. “Only if you promise not to censor yourself,” I told her.  And then said that I’d only peak in once in awhile.  Which is all I’ve done. But seriously–she’s freakin’ hilarious! The girl can write, and she has her timing down in telling a story. I am bowled over, awed, and just so proud to be her mom.  But the eggs? I swear they didn’t expire back in May.  She’s making that part UP.

I’m quite enjoying spending time with the kids, being home, cooking dinners. I adore those two knuckleheads, and they seem pretty fond of me back. The Boychild still hasn’t reconciled with his father, but I can’t do any more than I have done already. It’s up to him (the Ex) to be the adult and make it right with his son. I make sure to insert my opinion (that they do need to reconcile) into my conversations with the Boychild, but I can’t really do more than that.

This being home stuff is good for Ad, too. He loves having me here every night, and it seems to be helping his mood quite a bit.  Maybe it will be good for both of us, too, if I can get him out of his funk. Me being here seems to help with that, although I warned him that sitting around every night is not going to cut it for me. So we’ll see if he can motivate himself off the couch.  Meanwhile, I have my weekends with W (which I talk more about on PoJ.)  And much upcoming travel! I go to Las Vegas in early September, Twisted Tryst in WI (and meeting W’s mom and brother!) over my bday weekend, then Baltimore for a work thing at the end of the month. Later in October, if all goes well, I will be hitting Chicago for Kinky Kollege, and somewhere in there I need to schedule a trip to visit some new kinky friends in Des Moines.  And then, it’s Puerto Vallarta in November with the Missy and possibly Spokane to visit my son, daughter-in-law and new grandbaby over Christmas.

Thank god I got a raise, huh?

So yeah.  Things are good.  And yeah–I love my new schedule.

So far.


Cruise Wrap-Up, Days 4-5

August 6, 2011

So where did I leave off, all those days ago? (I can’t believe the last time I posted here was, sheesh, June?  Seriously??  I’d apologize for being so lame, but, hell, that’s my life. Sometimes I am living too much to write about it.)

Anyhoo…there we were at Lamanai. (In case you forgot.)  And then…we were back on the ship.

And…hell, lots of things happened. But I can’t remember all of them now, because I was a bad blogger and I didn’t take notes.  (Sigh.)  I’d like to say I’ll do better, but honestly, I don’t know if I will. So I can’t promise. Instead I’ll just post some pics from the trip, with a few notes here and there, and we’ll call it a day.

Cruise Day 4

That night was the only night we ended up on deck, oddly enough. It's windy out there, tho, so maybe that makes sense.

Ad and I on the cruise

We played like a regular couple...

Bite on the cruise

Except I was a couple with two men. :-)

Tying on the cruise

Of course we had to play a *little*...

And maybe just a tiny bit more.

There were other ways to play, too. They wouldn't let me go up naked though.

The next day was a day at sea, and we hung out on the pool deck, naked, for most of the day. Not a bad way to spend a day. But I had to put clothes back on to climb the rock wall.

So did Ad.

Ad at the top.

Me ringing the bell.

Woot!  I'm so freakin awesome!

Woot! I'm so freakin awesome!

I was pretty happy.

But now, seriously? Let me outta these clothes!

We also played other ways.

And played like pirates on Pirate Night.

The last night was Blue Night. The red dress was Ad's present to me at Christmas just for this cruise. And oh, yeah, the decor very much reflected the whole atmosphere of the cruise!

One last time to be "dancing girl" before we returned to "real life."

And finally--on the way home. We were sad, but we'd had a marvelous time!

Cruise Wrap-up, Days 2-3, Part 2: Lamanai

May 27, 2011

Welcome to Lamanai-"Submerged Crocodile"!

You really do have to understand a little of the history of Lamanai, and its place in the ancient Mayan world to appreciate the pictures properly.  From NorthernBelize.com:

[Lamanai] thrived for over 3000 years. The city of Lamanai began its regional supremacy around 1500 B.C. Extending from the formative years of the Mayan world to the preaching friars of Spanish colonists, Lamanai flourished and supported a vast community of farmers, merchants, and traders.

Three thousand years! It’s hard to even comprehend a civilization lasting that long.  I sometimes wonder if ours is going to last out the century.

…of the 700 buildings within the complex, less than five percent have been excavated and explored.

At one point the city had ~35,000 inhabitants. After visiting compact Tulum, Lamanai sprawls in the jungle like an ancient equivalent of Los Angeles. It’s hard to grasp the immensity of the site in one abbreviated visit. And what we see as tourists is a drop in the bucket to what’s out there, overtaken by jungle growth.  Everywhere you look there are mounds like the one shown here–this is the debris of hundreds of years covering the buildings that once stood here.

As the Classic Period came to an end in the ninth and tenth centuries, many of the neighboring Mayan cities proceeded through a period of decay to final collapse. Lamanai survived this time of upheaval and continued trade with sites in the northern part of the Yucatan Peninsula on into the Post-Classic Period. Copper, tin, and bronze objects flowed into Lamanai from sources in west Mexico, the Oaxaca Valley, and probably middle Central America.

Lamanai, possibly because of its “out of the way” location, survived while other Mayan cities declined. It wasn’t until the Spaniards arrived in the 1600’s that the fall of Lamanai was finally achieved, mostly through the introduction of disease.  Of course this was all in the name of Christ, because God knows the heathens needed to have their souls saved, right?

If you’re curious to learn more about Lamanai and/or Belize, you can find detailed information and maps about the site here (a different site than NorthernBelize.com), by the way. I printed out a ton of info from that website that I made into a booklet, and it was very helpful.

And now, on to the pictures…

Me playing travel guide.

"You are HERE." Or actually, we were-they let us climb the High Temple.

I love that they added an 's' to "feet."

W as Great White Hunter on the steps leading up to the Jaguar Temple. I may post another picture of him playing Great White Slaver in PoJ later.

Our first view, after a hike thru the jungle, of the Mask Temple.

Back the way we'd come...

Each section is where the new king or regime built atop the old. They didn't destroy their predecessors buildings--they just built right over the top of them.

Mask Temple - full view

I was amazed that they let us climb all over the temples-and pleased. You really couldn't get a sense of scale if you weren't right up next to them.

A short walk brings us to the highest and one of the most important structures at Lamanai, the High Temple.

The High Temple in its entirety. It's hard to see how very tall it is, but at its highest it towered over the jungle at ~112 ft.

That yellow line in the center of the steps is a rope hanging down to aid tourists to climb. That and a “Be careful, if you fall it’s going to hurt!” are about all the cautions a tourist gets.  I love a place where you’re actually responsible for your own actions.

An artist's rendering of the High Temple as it was in its full glory.

Ad going up

It's steep!

Taking a break that the first level. See how tiny those people are down there?

A view from the top.

On a clear day...you can see to Honduras.

The view in the other direction.

And finally, all three of us at the top.

A funny story about the previous picture.  The guide offered to take our pic.  “Yes,” I said, “please!” When we three went to pose by the edge though, he looked at W and said, “Excuse me so I can take their picture,” meaning Ad and I. We all laughed. “Nope, we’re all together,” we said. Later he offered to take another picture, the one you’ll see with me on W’s lap in the boat. Apparently he’d gotten used to the idea that I was with both guys by then.

Climbing back down. It was actually scarier going DOWN than up.

Taking a break in the shade in between the residence area and the ball court that fronts the Jaguar Temple.

In the Ball Court in front of the Jaguar Temple.

You can really tell that the jungle is starting to take over the excavation again. And how this must have looked when the archeologists first discovered it!

Relaxing in the boat on the ride back.

And that’s it for Day 3. Well, except for me dressing up in paint, a sequined g-string and pasties and some rocking high heels–and little else!–for Mardis Gras night…I have a picture around here somewhere…

Oh yes!  Here it is…

And that, my lovelies, concludes our digital tour for the day!

Cruise Wrap-Up, Ship Days 2-3, Part 1

May 25, 2011

Another picture post! We actually took a lot of pictures of our third day, because we went on an excursion to the Mayan ruins at Lamanai (and I forced W to take lots of “vanilla” pics.) ;-)  In fact I have so many pictures that I am going to break them up into two posts.

Day 2 was an “At Sea” day, and for a number of reasons, wasn’t conducive to picture-taking.  The first half of the day we spent on the pool deck, lazing about, sunning ourselves like slothful lizards, drinking like fish and just enjoying being naked on a ship full of sexy, sexual people.  (I LOVED getting to show off my rings.  And did I mention the rubdown that W gave me?  He left not a smidgeon of my naked skin uncovered by sunscreen.  It was amazingly erotic, having his hands all over me–gently!–in front of dozens of people.) But the pool deck was a “no-picture” zone, due to the fact that everyone was half-to-all-the-way-naked, including me.  And sadly, that night I was laid low with my first-ever bout of seasickness.  So Tuesday night was not much fun. But we’d had a great time the night before, so I guess I can’t complain too much.

I don’t think I mentioned what a great time W and I had our first night on the cruise. That night actually spotlights why our “three” works out so well. I had been on a cruise with Ad before, and really loved it, but we didn’t spend one night out past 10 or 11pm.  Ad tends to retire at about that time, and if I don’t have anyone else encouraging me to do otherwise, I’ll snuggle up with him and go to bed then as well. That’s the pattern here at home, as a matter of fact. At home, with Ad, I’ll head into the bedroom with him at 10pm, we’ll talk and snuggle and read for awhile, and I may stay awake doing ‘puter stuff for awhile, but I’m content to be in bed early with him.

W, on the other hand, tends to wake up at about 9 or 10pm, and if he is going to play with me, that’s usually when it starts. So I have no problem staying up with him until 1 or 2 in the morning, and, especially on this cruise, where so much happens at night, I wanted to be awake and out there, enjoying the nightlife. I never would have got to if W hadn’t been there, which would have been a shame.  Or Ad would have felt obligated to escort me, which wouldn’t have worked out for either of us either.  This way, he got to do what he wanted, without feeling guilty about not accompanying me, and I got to do what I wanted, without feeling guilty about leaving him in the room.

Anyway, Monday night that was exactly what we did.  Adam went to bed at about 11 and W and I got gussied up and cruised the ship.  We ended up hanging out at the bar right outside the “swinger playroom” and talked and flirted with people and had drinks–and tried to get my courage up to go inside the playroom–but even without doing that (I never did make it in) we had loads of fun.

Anyway, on to the pictures! (Vanilla ones, how ’bout that?!)

These are from Day 3.  We took an excursion to visit Lamanai, one of the oldest and largest of the Mayan ruins in Belize, which included a ninety minute bus ride and a boat ride on the New River to the New River Lagoon, where the ruins are.  But before we could get on the bus, we had to take a thirty minute tender to Belize itself. If you’ve been following my picture posts on Fetlife, you’ve seen the tenders I’m talking about. ;-)

I love the tender rides from the cruise ship into port, by the way. I see people complaining about how long and boring they are and I am amazed they feel that way. I love the blue, blue water and open sky, watching the ship recede and a new place, a place I’ve never seen before, come into view. I can’t understand how people can sit in their seats and not hang over the side of the boat to watch the land come into view and the city take shape.  I like watching the birds wheel overhead and feeling the salty wind on my face. Maybe I should have been a sailor, huh?

I couldn't stay seated.

Our first view of Belize.

Goofballs on the bus.

The other goofballs.

Safari Girl on the New River

Local fishermen with a turtle they'd caught-and not for a pet!

Another boat of cruise goers on the river.

Spider monkey in a tree.

He came within a few feet of the boat. Our guide had to stop a woman from holding her camera out too far to take a pic: "Don't Mami! He'll snatch it!"

A new definition of the term "batcave."

Ironically, the nicest place we saw on the river was a rehab facility.

First view of Lamanai. You can't see in this picture, and you can't get a real understanding of the immensity of it anyway from a photo, but the tallest temple peeks above the trees.

In my next post we’ll visit Lamanai itself!  Stay tuned. ;-)

Update, in Pieces

April 21, 2011

April 19

10:00 am – So W’s back, and my world is returned to normalcy, whatever that is.  I haven’t actually had that much quality alone-time with him yet, though.  He got back late Thursday and we pretty much had dinner, some talk, and then hit the sheets. Friday I worked from his house, but I was working quite a bit, and we were in anticipation mode, as we were expecting company that afternoon and then would be attending a weekend-long event. Which we did, and from about 5PM Friday until 8PM Sunday, when Ad left to go home, we were with other people or in class or playing or having three-way sex or hanging with Ad. Sunday I crashed (literally) right after the event, falling asleep at 8:30 and not getting up again until I had to go to work Monday morning.  Which was all good, but still, I feel like I need downtime with him for a couple days, to get reacquainted with each other. Which we’re not going to have anytime soon, as I am home and busy with kids and packing and getting ready for the cruise every night until Friday, when we all head over to our friend’s house for the night. Saturday morning (early, I hope) we leave for Florida–six of us in an 8 person van for 16 hours. Oh my!

So, today, I am feeling a little…disconnected, maybe. Overtired, like there’s to much to do and too little time to do it…which there might be. I dunno. Really I just think I need some one-on-one time with him.  Time to find our balance with each other, after a month apart.

10:00 pm – Got out all the bags we own and started trying to get organized with packing. I’d gone through all my clothes, but it’s the organizing of them into a hotel/carry-on bag for Tampa/boarding and separate bags for cruise clothes, all the while trying to keep in mind that we may have limited space in the van, that is stressing me out. And Ad just blithely watches TV all night and then goes to sleep, without having even looked through his clothes. “I’ll do it tomorrow afternoon before we go to W’s,” he says. Seriously? I know W is the same way, too, though, and it makes me a bit crazy.  C’mon, guys, there’s not just deciding what to wear, there’s deciding how to pack it most efficiently, which is of a necessity with three of us, limited space in the van and on the ship.  And that just doesn’t happen on its own. Someone’s got to think about and organize it, right?

~sigh~ Maybe I should just go with their philosophy and throw a couple things into a bag and wing it. But as I have learned in my many trips with my Ex, with Ad and with W, my planning allows them to be able to just relax and enjoy. I just don’t think they appreciate the effort.  I have a feeling in their minds it would all just work out naturally even if I didn’t plan so much.

April 20

9:00 am – Work is kicking my ass a bit. Have so many things to do before I go, so much to make sure gets done while I am gone. I’m debating turning off my work emails that go to my cellphone while I am gone, but not sure of the wisdom of that. Will it stress me out more not knowing what’s going on?

I am taking a half day Friday though. I want a half day with W before Ad arrives and we are “all of us,” joined at the hip until we get on the ship, just so we can connect a bit, talk a bit, etc. Nine days together, all three of us, to say nothing of being with our three friends so much, has the possibility of being stressful.

Having said that, though, I don’t really anticipate it being so at all. I was thinking about what someone said to me the other day about our threesome. “It can’t be that easy!” But honestly? It really is. It just…works. The few times we’ve had angst has been just that: angst. No fighting, big scary arguments, slammed doors and threatened break-ups. A few miscommunications here and there, me being me (read: occasionally emotional or needy or over-reactive) but really, every time we talked through it before it became a big deal.  Right now, before we go, when I am trying to get all our ducks in a row, is probably going to be the most stressful time.  And that’s probably (slap my hand) because I am making it so by needing to have everything organized.

Oh shit that reminds me…I need to get some of the trip documentation printed out…

11:00 am – Whew, got most of the important info printed out for the trip: hotel info & maps, cruise documents, info on excursions and the trip itself. I want to make one of my infamous itineraries, but just don’t know if I’ll have time.

12:30 pm – Working on my crocheted bikini while I listen to a webinar.  I’ve got a good portion of it done, and I’m pretty proud of myself.  Now I just have the finishing touches on the bottoms to go.  We’ll see if it actually fits when I get it done.

Tonight, over to W’s to consolidate bags, etc.

3:00 pm – Wow, just read my horoscope and had to laugh:

Wednesday, Apr 20th, 2011 — You might think you have a smarter idea for nearly everything today, but that doesn’t mean your way is really the best course of action. Unfortunately, you could be so sure of yourself now that you’ll take on anyone who disagrees with your plan. Thankfully, you should come to your senses before an argument reaches the point of no return. In a fight to the finish, there will be no winners, so find common ground and build a consensus from that point on.

And how apropos it is–Ad just called and said that he isn’t going to be home in time to pack this afternoon.  He’ll get his stuff together just before going to W’s tonight.

~sigh~ Breathe, Jade.

11:30 pm – Back from W’s.  Oh my god, my horoscope was so on target.

April 21

10:00 am – I think I stressed W out last night.  He got to see me in drill sergeant, now-it’s-time-to-get-serious-about-packing mode. I really was just teasing them both (mostly-I swear to god it’s like herding cats, trying to get those two organized) but I wasn’t actually pissy…just using the opportunity to give them both a good poke every now and again.

Also, we got to talking about play on the ship. This is a big unknown to us all, and I think we all have a bit of anxiety about what it’s going to be like. What will be acceptable, what won’t, etc. My feeling is that as long as we stay within the ship’s rules, and don’t do anything deliberately edgy or viscous, and especially as long as we keep it sexual and sexy and fun and hot, it’ll be okay. That’s why we’re all there, right?  But that doesn’t mean we don’t incorporate what we do into what we’re doing.  We kinksters do have a separate play area, and if people don’t enjoy what we’re doing, there’s a whole ship that they can go to. If they choose to be there, then they are at least a bit interested and open to it.  But I feel a bit like I am having to convince W that he can (and should) play with me, a feeling I despise.

But also…I feel like he kind of doesn’t want to because he doesn’t want to risk offending someone that he might want to get with later.  Not play with me because he doesn’t want to risk losing the chance to fuck someone else later?? Hmm, that won’t fly. I almost said “screw it, let’s not play at all on the ship” last night actually. That way I’m not constantly wondering where his head is at, and the squirrel/hamster in my head can’t start doing its thing.  (Did you read that up there about me occasionally being over-reactive? Yeah, that. ~sigh~) Anyway, common sense prevailed.  And this morning I was able to shut the squirrel the fuck up and write a sensible email and all is well.

1:45 pm – Day’s half gone and I don’t know where it went to.

2:10 pm – Microwaving lunch. Resisting temptation to get one of the 10-day old cookies that are sitting in our lunch room and wave it at my crass coworker while I stuff it in my mouth. (She’s the one that feels the need to tell everyone how bad the food they are eating is, while they are eating it.  And she’s vegan, and won’t eat processed sugar or wheat, so apparently the only acceptable food is…I don’t know what. Grass? Yeah, but only if it’s locally & organically grown. I’m tempted to get the book about how plants feel pain and give it to her.)

4:06 pm – Done! Finished the one big project (with time to spare!) that I had to get done before I left. That’s a big load off my mind.  And it was the one thing in the way of me taking a half day tomorrow.  And now, time to close down, pick up a prescription and go get the hair ripped out of my cooch.

I may or may not have time to update any more before we go, and I still haven’t decided if I am going to bring my laptop along to chronicle our adventures daily.  So you may see me around here or at Pieces of Jade the next week, or maybe not!

Accountability, Dynamics, & Tasks

April 1, 2011

First, a silly task (having nothing to do with sex, so I’ll house it here.)

Task 16: Wet – Fill a large glass with water to within 1/4″ from the top. Hold it over your head for 30 minutes.

Yeah, this was silly, but surprisingly difficult. I had a conference call yesterday while I worked from home, so it seemed the ideal time to do it. The call lasted 26 minutes. My arms only lasted 17.  Also, I was a day late in completing.

Penalty: 13 minutes + 1 day overdue

I’ve had some difficulty with one of the tasks he has assigned, “Ad – Write an ad offering yourself for lease/rent.”  It was due way back on Wednesday, the 23rd, and I haven’t come close to writing it. I think it has to do with the fact that what this task means is that I have to blow my own horn, and frankly, I’m not good at that. I keep circling the task, and have considered doing it in a very sarcastic, ironic or clearly farcical way, but I feel like that would be a cop-out. I kind of want to force myself to do it for real.

Or not.

I wish I was so full of self-confidence that I could.  So convinced of my own abilities and desirability that even writing such a thing for pretend wouldn’t make me cringe, make me feel self-conscious. There is, of course, someone in my past who has done such a thing, and done it amazingly well (I think she got like 200+ responses in 24 hours to her Craig’s List ad. Of course that could be because she posted a photo of herself, legs spread, cunt and ass open to the camera, and not her fine prose. Who knows.) But the fact remains that I feel like I could never live up to what she did, to the responses she got, so even though this wouldn’t be placed as an actual ad, just the thought of doing this makes me freeze up.  So there you have how truly insecure I am.

And okay, there’s more. This makes me feel so incredibly inadequate because, right or wrong, I think what she did was something W would love for me to do, to be able to do. To have the guts to do.  I think that that kind of attitude that would allow her to do that, to write that and do that, is what he wishes I had.  But I don’t. For a variety of reasons.

So…bottom line…although these tasks are supposed to be fun, and are, this one has kind of tweaked me.  And that makes me disappointed in myself.

Does that mean I won’t do it?  I don’t know. I think I’d be a big pussy if I didn’t do something just because it made me uncomfortable.  And regardless of W’s insistence that it’s meant to be fun, the times that I feel challenged, when he does something to me or makes me do something in spite of my comfort level, are the most memorable, and touch me the deepest.  So, we’ll see.

An interesting situation.

In conjunction with W’s tasks for me, I also created my own task list, of things I wanted to do while he was gone. We all know how I have had difficulty when W is gone in the past. Each time it gets a little easier, as we learn from our mistakes and find new ways to keep me feeling connected to our dynamic, as well as both of us connected as a couple. W’s Task List grew out of that.

My own task list grew out of my desire to take personal accountability for keeping myself sane and happy and occupied while he is gone.  I appreciate the efforts he is making to address some of the issues I go thru when he’s gone, and he seems to be enjoying them as much as I am, but I’m a big girl, and I realized it was time to put my Big Girl Pants on and take my separation-anxiety-demon by the balls and castrate it. Or at least give myself some clear goals to focus on rather than my whiny-ass self.

In other words, stop with the self-pity and do something about it already, right?

So, following is my list.  I have been working steadily on it, and sending updates to W on it, and it’s been both an edifying and enlightening experience. What has stood out for me in all this is that I really do kind of need some structure, someone to be accountable to. Not only because it forces me to be accountable, but also because it feels good to know that someone else sees what I am accomplishing (or vise versa, acts as a stick when I am not accomplishing what I need to.) I like knowing he will know–and wants to know–that I have done task 1, 2 or 3; or that I am accomplishing the goals I set for myself.

And yes, it also serves to remind me, in one more small way, of my dynamic with him, and that makes me feel secure, makes me feel loved, makes me feel cared for.  Even when he is far away, even when I don’t hear him tell me he loves me, this somehow translates to that for me.  I don’t know why–and I am okay not understanding the why of it.  It is enough that it is.

Jade’s Personal Task List

  • Short story submission for April 1 (couples kink story) Not completed. I’d like to say it’s because I was too busy, but the reality is that I just procrastinated until it was too late. I got it about half written.
  • Keep up with the “Couch to 5K in 8 weeks” running program Have kept up mostly, running & doing weights at least 2 days/week and sometimes 3. I am in week three (repeating it) now.
  • Start a 3x per week yoga or stretching regimen Have been stretching out when I run, but have not attended any formal classes. I still have two weeks though.
  • NO FAST FOOD – I want to try not to eat any fast food (except subway maybe 1x per week) for the month. Success so far! Fell off the wagon briefly the other day with a breakfast burrito from Micky D’s, but other than that have been fast food FREE.
  • Look at possible ring configurations for the cruise, coordinate with W to see I need additional rings Have not done yet, on my to-do list for this weekend.
  • “Boys Jade Has Fucked” list updates Completed 5 out of 30. Need to get on this a little bit!
  • Finish crochet bikini After crocheting one of the bra cups three times, I now think I have the sizing right and am working on finishing a fourth (and final) version. Then it’s on to the other cup and the bottoms! Will I make it in time for the cruise?  I don’t know, but I do have 16 hours in a car to work on it if it comes down that.
  • Try out body paint w/Ad Done! Now need to order body paint.
  • Get W and Ad’s headscarves made Bought materiel, Mj is making.
  • Create cruise/trip itinerary Haven’t started yet.
  • Complete 30 Days Truth/Kink One entry (maybe?) Truthfully my Tasks project has kept me with enough kinky writing material that I don’t need more for PoJ, although it might be good for over here.
  • Complete cruise docs/reserve beach excursion/order wine packages Done!
  • Find Belize excursion Waiting on W.
  • Couples cards Waiting on W.
  • Swinger profiles Set up the cruise dot com profiles and have been posting on those boards (networking, baby!) Set up one “regular” swinger site profile and have gotten a good start on the “About Us” essays from W. Need to edit and complete profile.
  • Organize blog drafts Yikes. Not even.
  • Pay Lewbari invoice Done.
  • Order blue hemp Just ordered! http://ajarope.com/home/6mm-15ft-electric-blue-hemp-rope-p-296.html  And realized that the color I had in my mind is not actually the color of the rope, which may change my decision on the below…
  • blue shoes Decided I don’t need them, will use white. But now, seeing the above, I may change my mind…
  • white pool sandals/white high heels Got some cute while high heels that really started growing on me when I tried them on last night with my outfits. Am undecided about the pool shoes (I think the ones I found are cute, but I have flip flops and sandals, so…maybe W will have to survive with me not being in heels at the pool. Then again…if I want to establish myself as the High Heel Girl…well, I gotta keep up the image, right? ;-)
  • Swinger lingerie Almost complete.
  • Go thru Ad’s clothes/shop with Ad Done.

I added on a few to-do’s as the month has gone by as well:

  • Make a dentist appt Done. Monday, April 4, 12 pm
  • Make a hair appt Done. Tuesday, April 19 6 pm
  • Make a wax appt (legs AND cooch! Woot!) Done. Thurs, April 21 5:30 pm
  • Get nails done Possibly getting them done by a friend Fri night before we leave.
  • Work on a base tan In the works.
  • Get my formal night dress hemmed At the Russian lady’s. Need to pick up.
  • Go thru my jewelry box Done.
  • Organize my drawers/closet Done.
  • Take items to the dry cleaners Saturday
  • Return overdue library book Hahahahaha. I SUCK. But I do bring in revenue to the library district!
  • Figure out how to add books from library to my eReader, add books Umm, yeah. Someday…
  • Figure out suitcase situation

And that’s all she wrote!

Swinging in the Bath

March 7, 2011

We were in the bath together the other night, a rare occurrence, although he frequently sits with me and we have a drink and talk while I’m bathing. I’m glad he climbed in with me, though, it was the perfect way to discuss an important topic; naked, warm and wet, it’s hard to be anything but open and loving with each other.  Laying your naked skin on one another strips one of artifice and arrogance, you can’t help but feel a little vulnerable, while at the same time it engenders a protective, humbling feeling towards your other.

Or else makes you a rabid fuckbunny.  It can go either way, and either way works in my book. ;-)

Seriously though, he climbed in and we started chatting kind of aimlessly about things. Not “Things (capitol T)” but just life things. A big Thing that is happening soon is that he is going away for a month again, and we did touch on that (in a fun way) but mostly we chatted, shared, relaxed, enjoyed.

Eventually our discussion moved on to our upcoming cruise in April. Ad and I had made a reservation some time ago for this five day excursion: a 100% takeover “Lifestyle” cruise that is also geared towards kinky folk, having a couple of well-known kinksters doing presentations and kinky playrooms set up for us twisted folk, as well as the usual swinger parties & party rooms. Late in February W had finally committed to coming, and so we we were talking about what we might expect, etc. Talk naturally turned to negotiating the swinger environment.

W and I aren’t swingers, as such. We’ve been to a party or two here, but the couple of times I tried doing the two-couples/swapping thing (with my ex) I didn’t enjoy it much. Just too much to think about–is everyone having a good time? Is she happy? Is he happy?– to relax and enjoy. I also really feel at a loss in that environment. How do you get from the bar to the bedroom? How do you negotiate what level of play everyone is comfortable with? There are intricacies of interaction that leave me uncomfortable and unsure, of myself, of the situation. Also, underlying it all, is my relationship dynamic with W. I don’t fuck others without his permission, but more specifically, I need his dominance to instigate it.

And yet, knowing that he wants me to be with others, that it is one of his deepest kinks and desires, I know how much it would please him for me to find some way to negotiate this, to embrace it, within the boundaries of my perception of our D/s relationship. I would love to be able to give that to him.  I also know that he was not always happy with the way another of his partners sometimes left him feeling left out at swinger things, and want (I know this is bad but what the hell, this is MY space for truth, right?) to do it better than she did. I want the experience to be amazing for him, in every way, and I want to be the one to make that happen. Of course, being as tied to him D/s-wise as I am, I can’t imagine ever leaving him out in the cold, in fact quite the opposite: I think my problem will be clinging to him too much, when what he wants is for me to be this free, hyper-sexual person. I don’t know that I can be her–but I think that the atmosphere on the boat may allow me to feel that a bit more, and to act in ways that I might not be comfortable with but that I know he wants me to.  I’d kinda like to be that hyper-sexual girl, if I could let her out of her cage. ;-)

He, on the other hand, originally came from the swinging environment, although I don’t know how much experience he has in such an environment with a girl like me (read: with the added possible-encumbrance of my deep submission to him.) Swinger and overt-BDSM do not always mix, and yet I need to feel made to do those things, I need his overt dominance in order to act, and so we have been trying to find ways to enhance that aspect of it for me, while not allowing it to unsettle those around us.

One of the aspects we talked about was how free I could/would be sexually with others, if he had not given his express permission.  And, conversely, how free he could be. I know that I (almost always) have his implicit permission. But I also know myself well enough to know that I will not and cannot act that way without his express permission, and even goading. I need that to step beyond myself enough to go there.  So we talked about that, and possible ways to deal with it.

Then he asked me about the reverse. About his being with other women on the ship. Of course, if we’re both there having sex, and he’s getting off with someone and I’m getting off with someone, that’s all good.  But what if there is someone that he wants to get involved with just by himself? How do I feel about that?

In some ways, this is why I think that there are times mixing D/s and open relationships don’t work. There isn’t equality in D/s.  It is inherently and by choice an unequal relationship. And given that inequality, it has great potential to be abused by the one in power.  For me, it works, but it works because it is with W–with his ethics and fairness–that I am doing this with.  I know he would never abuse the trust that I place in him to treat me fairly.  That said, within that D/s context, even if he didn’t encourage, allow and make me have sex with other men, I would still feel it was his right to have sex with whomever he pleases.  As his property, as his submissive, I do not have the right to tell him who he can and cannot have sex with.  This is not driven or dictated by him, it is part of my personal understanding of our dynamic–the way that I view our relationship–that it feels right that I should need to have permission granted to me, but that he should not.  He is the Owner, I am the property.  He owns my sex, I don’t own his. Period. That feels right to me, and as it should be.

The reality, of course, is much more complex. I know that if he approached it that way (“I’m the Owner, suck it up, bitch,”) it would never work emotionally for me.  Because, regardless of the labels, of this hard-seeming edge, the place that I truly come from with this is a place of compassion, and a deep-seated need for fairness and to be ethical.  But I also know that if and when the time comes, there will be a part of me that knows, even if it makes me uncomfortable or insecure or unhappy, that part of my acceptance will be based on just that. I know, in my mind, in my heart, that it is right, given our dynamic.

But here, this is what I wanted to say with all of this. The best part of all this was that we could talk about it all. We could have a potentially uncomfortable conversation and talk it through.  And in talking it through, learn more about ourselves, and each other, and our relationship. Talking helped to clarify my own feelings, and for the first time I was able to articulate and embrace them. It was an empowering moment.

I don’t know how things will pan out on the ship. But I’m glad it opened this dialogue, regardless of the actual outcome.

Now…to talk to Ad and find out where he is with all this.