Last night Ad gave me the book “The Tao of Pooh” with the instructions, “I want to see a whole lot more Pooh in you by the end of the week.” Tongue in cheek, of course, but not so much, too. He knows I have been anxious and angsting a bit lately, and he wants his old, happy-go-lucky Jade back.
I can’t say that I blame him. I want her back too.
Honestly, though? I had always been more Tigger (bouncy, flouncy, trouncy, and always fun fun fun) than Pooh. I remember my ex calling me “Tigger” and at times, after a round of exuberant lovemaking, he’d quote parts of Tigger’s poem at me:
The wonderful thing about Tiggers…..Is Tiggers are wonderful things…..Their tops are made out of rubber…..The bottoms are made out of springs…..They’re bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy…..Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun…..But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is…..I’m the only one…..The wonderful thing about Tiggers…..Is Tiggers are wonderful chaps…..They’re loaded with vim and vigor…..They love to leap in your laps…..They’re jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy…..Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun…..But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is…..I’m the only one…..Tiggers are cuddly fellows…..Tiggers are awfully sweet…..Everyone else is jealous….. That’s why I repeat…..The wonderful thing about Tiggers…..Is Tiggers are wonderful things…..! ! ! !
My favorite thing about Tigger, and the way in which I identify with him most, is his wonderful zest for life. His pure joy in simply being. Happy, bouncy, carefree, able to take joy in the small things, even when the larger ones were rough. That is me in normal circumstances.
That just ain’t been me lately.
The thing is, all this, this stuff that’s going on in my head, making me angst, making me crazy? It’s all me. Yes, a lot of this has come up as I learn to negotiate this new relationship with my gf. But it isn’t stuff I haven’t struggled with all my life. All my life. We all have them, peccadilloes of our natures that we either overcome and exorcise, or allow to inform and permeate all that we do, and, eventually, if we are incautious, to poison us. The last six or eight years I have done a lot of work in addressing these issues, but that doesn’t mean they can’t rear their ugly heads again, and that I won’t have to battle them again.
Unfortunately, when I am feeling emotionally exposed in other ways (as in the advent of a new, intense, relationship) I don’t have the defenses necessary to combat those negative feelings inside me, too. All my emotions are out there working through the relationship, figuring it out, feeling my way through it. I am laid bare, open, & vulnerable to attacks from within. And whoo-boy, that insecurity monster knows when to attack. He’s big and purple with green spikes and long claws to dig in and fangs that drip venomous green glowing blood. He and I are not friends, though we know each other well.
So, I battle him. I grapple with him, and all the ickiness he makes me feel. Because I won’t allow myself to be brought down by fears and insecurities, by the ugliness that he foments inside of me. I can defeat him. I am stronger than him.
The tricky part is in not allowing the overflow, the monster’s spit, to splash onto anyone else, or to cloud my judgment. I need to find my Tigger, make him bounce the monster back down. I have to learn to let go again. To be happy & filled with light & love & joy instead of all the insecurity and negativity that the monster whispers in my ear.
It’s time to get my Tigger back. Bounce bounce bounce!